Page 97 of Beat of Love
She began to move, slowly circling him. “I knew the ink covered your scalp, but this…” She trailed off, coming to stand before him again, her eyes fixed on the design.
“Repulses you?” he snapped, stepping back, wanting to distance himself from the inevitable look of disgust.
Her gaze shot to his. “No!”
“Aw, come on, Brandy-Lyn. At least be honest.” His eyes hardened as he lobbed back the stinging words that haunted him. “You’ve seen my scars, thestain of prisoncovering my back. Both are repulsive, but that’s who I am.”
“Be quiet!” She closed in on him again.
Another step back brought him up against the wall.
She pried the pitchfork from his fingers and set it aside. “You’re wrong,” she whispered, placing her hand on his chest. Right over his thudding heart. “So very wrong.Nothingabout you repulses me, Rafferty Lawson. Nothing.”
The touch burned through the thin cotton, through his skin, scorching to the very core of him. Like the fiery drink she was named after, she went straight to his head, made him forget his stark reality. He craved her touch. Wanted her with a need that scared him more than facing the worst of humanity.
His enemies had tried to break him without success.
But this woman?
This brave, smart, beautiful, and very, very sexy woman had the power to destroy him in a manner Kamila never had. The draw of Brandy-Lyn Powers was stronger than the allure of narcotics, and he needed to call upon every ounce of willpower to set her aside.
He brushed away her hand. “Everything your ex said is true, Brandy-Lyn. Going undercover changes a man. Iaman ex-con, no matter the reason I went behind bars. I’ve lived with scum. Ibecamescum. I’ve done things that will sicken you.” He severed eye contact lest she see the filth churning inside him. “I’m everything a nice girl like you should run from.”
His breath snagged as her hand touched his jaw, cool and firm, the rasp of her thumb stroking the stubble on his chin the only sound within the confines of the stall. “You’re wrong. Iseeyou. I see right to the very heart of you. I see the broken man determined to find his way back to a whole life.”
And he wanted to believe her words. Wanted to believe he was the man she alluded to. But there was no way back to a whole life. “Iaman addict, Brandy-Lyn. Once an addict, always an addict.” He shoved up his left sleeve, exposing the track marks in the crook of his elbow. “It’s a battle I will fight till I die.”
“I believe you have the willpower, resilience, and inner strength to overcome this.”
He shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe not. Guess time will tell. But it doesn’t involve you.” He snagged his cap from her hand, pulling it low over his head, and shifted away from her forcefield. Grabbing the pitchfork, he began rearranging the hay scattered across the stall floor.
She cocked her head. “What happened totaking us somewhere?”
“Reality slapped me upside the head,” he muttered. Then he stopped, exhaling a hard breath. “Addiction is only part of what’s bad in me. I am akiller,” he snapped. “I beat a man to a pulp.” He flung the pitchfork aside, pulled his work gloves off, and waved his hands in front of her pale face. “With these hands. Then I stood over him and watched him die while he begged for help. That doesn’t make me a good man. It makes me evil. And it sure as hell does not make me someone fit to share your bed. Or be a role model to your kids.”
He dragged his hand down his face, frustration pulling his skin taut. “And then there’s your ex. That asshole will take your kids away from you, Brandy-Lyn. If that ever happens, because” — he stabbed a finger at his chest — “ofme, I’ll never forgive myself. Neither will you.”
He turned, his throat thickening. “And there’s still physical danger. Kamila Carvalho is alive.Alive. And she’s more vengeful than me. She’s just biding her time. But mark my words, she’s coming. Coming for me.Andthe people I love. I cannot take that chance, Red,” he added, his voice cracking. “I cannot draw you, your kids, into my sphere. I just can’t.”
“Now see,” she bit back, “thatexactly makes you a good person. You care. For me, my kids. Your family. You care!”
He exploded. “Yes! I care! I do. I do,” he repeated, softer. “And that’s exactly why you need to stay away. Because I’m a fuckingselfish prick, and one day you will catch me in a vulnerable place, and I’ll give in. And that will be the worst thing I could do to you. Please, Red, I beg of you, just go.”
Her swallow was audible. “I’ll leave. For now. Because nothing I say or do will change your mind today. But I want to leave you with two thoughts. One, Richard is full of hot air, his custody threat mere bluster. And two, I believe inyou, Rafferty Lawson. I really do. And when you’re ready, I’d like to explore an … us.”
28
Into the rapids
“Want to talk about your knuckles?”
The sky pressed down like guilt. Low, heavy, and impossible to ignore. Clouds churned in slow, angry spirals, the kind of grey that felt personal, like the weather itself held a grudge. Sleet needled sideways through the air, whispering against the windows like it knew things he wished he’d forget. And Rafferty couldn’t tell if the storm was outside or just following him around. Slouching deeper on the couch, he crossed his arms tightly over his chest, the leather of his jacket pulling taut over his shoulders, and frowned at the psychologist across from him.
“Not really.”
The irony was, Rafferty hadaskedfor this meeting.
Because heneededto talk.
