Page 41 of Take My Heart
‘We haven’t created a life. We’ve just talked about it. And when I thought about it, I didn’t want it, at least not with Cam.’
‘You’re just stressed from all the wedding planning. You need to take some deep breaths, get yourself together, and come home where Mom and I can take care of you. We’ll go to a spa, get massages, pedicures—’
‘A massage isn’t going to fix this. You’re not listening to me.’
‘I AM listening. But I know you, Kate, and I know you tendto overreact and do crazy things sometimes. We all know it. Mom. Dad. Your friends. Cam. You can’t think straight when you’re like this, which is why you need to come home and spend a few days pampering yourself. I promise you’ll feel a lot better after a day at the spa.’
She has no idea what I’m going through. She doesn’t understand, but I was hoping she’d at least try to.
‘Jill, I really thought I could count on you to support me.’
‘I am, but as your big sister, I have to tell you that what you’re doing is a mistake.’
‘And why is it a mistake? You think I can’t find someone else?’
‘You can, but why would you after you’ve invested all this time with Cam? He really is the perfect guy. He’s got that great loft apartment, and when he lived there, he kept it immaculate, which is rare for a guy. He’s smart. Handsome. He takes you on amazing trips. He buys you expensive gifts.’
‘Yes, but gifts and dinner aren’t love.’ I pause, not sure I should tell her this, but it might be the only way to convince her my relationship with Cam wasn’t as great as she thought. ‘We haven’t had sex for over a year.’
She laughs. ‘Yeah, right.’
‘I’m not kidding. The last time we did it was the night before he moved to DC. That was over a year ago.’
‘Yeah, but he’s been back here to visit.’
‘And he didn’t want to do it. He said we should wait until we’re married. He said the sex would be better on our wedding night if we waited. I told him I didn’t want to wait, but he wouldn’t listen to me.’
‘Well, in his defense, I’ve heard that’s actually true.’
‘What’s true?’
‘Waiting until you’re married to have sex, even if you’ve already done it. The sex is supposed to be better if you’ve gone without it for a few months before the wedding. I heard it on a podcast.’
‘But that’s not what I wanted, and I don’t know why Cam would. How many guys do you know who would be okay with waiting over a year to have sex?’
She doesn’t answer.
‘And it’s not just the sex. Cam and I don’t have the kind of closeness a couple should have. All we did was talk about work. Nothing personal.’
‘That’s not true. You talked about your future. The house you were going to buy. You talked about your kids.’
‘Okay, yes, but what I mean is talking about things like how we feel after a bad day or when we’re going through a rough time, or talking about what matters to us, what we want out of life. We don’t talk about any of that. I feel like we haven’t grown as a couple. We’re as close now as we were a few years ago.’
‘That’s because he’s a guy. Guys don’t like talking about that stuff.’
‘I don’t think all guys are like that,’ I say, thinking of Brody. I don’t even know him and I’ve had deeper conversations with him in the short time we’ve spent together than in all my years with Cam.
‘Just tell him you want to talk. Maybe he doesn’t know how important that stuff is to you.’
‘I’ve tried telling him, but he doesn’t listen. When I bring up anything having to do with my feelings or something I’mstruggling with, he shuts down or acts annoyed and changes the subject.’
‘I think you’re expecting too much. Henry and I don’t talk about stuff like that and we’ve been married for three years.’
But I don’t think it’s a happy marriage. When they’re together, they don’t even look at each other, and I’ve never seen them be affectionate. If I didn’t know them, I’d think they’re coworkers or friends, not a married couple.
‘When you’re deciding who to marry,’ Jill says, ‘you need to be practical. You want a guy who’s smart, reliable, will be a good father, and has good earning potential.’
‘And that you love,’ I say.
