Page 29 of Choosing a Forever
Chapter 10
Talmage
14 years old…
Now would be the perfect moment for a first kiss. The breeze is blowing her hair behind her shoulders, and the sun is casting her in a glow. Her green eyes are bright and vibrant and so open, honest.
I want to kiss her, but I made a promise to myself a long time ago I would only kiss my future wife on our wedding day.
Even if I plan on Mack being my wife, I can’t break the promise.
Right?
Why is this so hard?
I never planned on falling in love so early on, and I never anticipated the waiting to be so difficult.
Mack’s birthday is in a month, maybe it would be a good birthday present…
I don’t know what to do. My friends have told me it’s crazy to make her wait until we’re married. That I should practice kissing in case something happens and we break up.
I’ll never break up with Mack, though.
But will she break up with me if I never kiss her? I hear other boys talk about her. She doesn’t know how many of them have crushes on her. Would one of them be able to steal her away?
I hope not. I hope our love is strong enough to stand the test of something like not kissing.
But what if it isn’t?
I swear I’m going to vibrate right off of this bench.
Mack texted me this morning and asked when I’d be free to meet up, and I told her I was available all day. It’s been exactly one week since my offer, and it seems she’s ready to give me an answer.
She’s given no indication as to which way she’s leaning.
I hope she says yes.
I realize I don’t have a solid reason for wanting to marry her, other than I just… feel it deep in my bones this is the right thing to do.
Everyone in the church always talks about promptings from “the spirit” and revelation from God, but I’ve never felt anything like that—and I’ve tried. I prayed and prayed and prayed when I was going to propose to Jamie. I went to the temple to try to get closer to God and see if He would answer.
Nothing.
I never felt a single thing in either direction. All I felt was a sense of disappointment God didn’t deem me worthy of an answer. People in the church always say “no answer is an answer,” but when it’s a big, life-changing decision, sometimes it’s not enough.
At the time, I figured it was because I was starting to question things, so I shoved my doubts aside and started praying more. I started reading my scriptures in earnest. I started going to the temple weekly. Even when I was coming off of a night shift and was bone-tired—I went.
I proposed to Jamie, and she ended things. So I figured maybe they were right: no answerwasthe answer. Maybe Godnottelling me I was making the wrong choice was His way of telling me I was making the right one.
Now?
I’m not even sure God exists.
And if He doesn’t exist, then it was just my instincts that told me proposing to Jamie was a good idea. I wasn’t taught to trust my instincts, so I don’t know how to trust them outside of work. Clearly, they’ve been wrong when it comes to romance before, so why am I trusting them when it comes to asking Mack to marry me?
I want her to be able to go back to school if she wants. I want to help ease the exhaustion so clear on her face. I want to take care of her, give her time to rest.
There’s a very real possibility this will all blow up in my face.
