Page 87 of Choosing a Forever
Mackenzie
17 years old…
I’ll forever be grateful for finding Lizzie as a friend. Without her, there’s no way I would have survived sophomore and junior year. She’s distracted me with movie nights and held my hand while I’ve cried.
I would be lost without her.
I’ve had to watch Tal date the other girls in choir. I’ve had to dance with him in the musical. I’ve had to sit and listen to his melodic tenor voice and watch him give his golden smile to everyone but me.
It’s been terrible.
I thought I could erase the hurt by kissing more people, going on more dates. Out of sight, out of mind. Moving on.
Every date, every “hang out” with someone who wasn’t him ended up enhancing the fact Talmage is the best I’ll ever get, and being with anyone else is settling.
Which is rude of me, I know, because I’ve had two boyfriends since he brokeup with me.
But neither of them felt like home the way Talmage did. Neither of them looked at me like I was something special and precious.
So I’ll keep trying to find someone else, even as my heart holds on to the hope that one day, Tal will change his mind.
I’m embarrassed to admit the amount of letters I’ve written to him, begging him to come back to me. I’m pathetic.
Worthless.
Stupid.
Just like Brock used to say.
I shudder just thinking his name, and tears well in my eyes.
Another mistake in the long line of them on my list.
Tal’s been acting weird for the last week. He’s been wearing basketball shorts to bed instead of just his boxers, and part of me wonders if it’s because of his… sticky situation.
Does an extra layer make it less likely for a wet dream to happen? I don’t really know how it works.
All I know is I can’t stop thinking about that morning. What I saw, the overwhelming heat that sizzled through my body. The way I wanted to pull away his boxers and clean up the mess he’d made.
I only saw the outline through his soiled underwear, but from what I could tell, Tal iswell endowed.
I can’t stop imagining what it would feel like. I want to know what he tastes like. How the weight of him would feel in my hand—in my mouth, inme.
But I think my blatant staring scared him because he’s been careful not to touch me, especially during the night. We’ve had surface level conversations but haven’t ventured into anything deeper.
Or maybe I’m just projecting becauseIscared myself.
My feelings are too strong. My desire for him is becoming overwhelming, I find myself zoning out at work and playing out “what if” scenarios. I try to read, but all I can picture is Tal and me in the place of the main characters.
And not just during the spicy scenes.
During the big gestures and love confessions, all I can picture is Talmage saying those things to me.
I can’t take much more of this. It’s our one-month anniversary, and every day that passes, the tension ramps up higher.
It’s almost two o’clock in the morning, and I can’t sleep. My mind is racing, trying to find a justifiable reason to give in to the pull between us. I feel like I need a plausible excuse to fuck my husband, and I can’t think of a single one.
Logically, I know it would just cause me more pain. It would hurt to have him in such an intimate way and then have to end things, but Goddammit, I don’t think I’ve ever been so needy in my life.
