Page 65 of Hooked on a Demon
“Interesting.”
“What?” She asks, pretending she doesn’t understand.
Colson doesn’t miss any of it. “There was an instant shift in your demeanor when I mentioned your ex. From body language, to your voice, to the literal light you were exuding a moment ago. It’s all gone. Why do you think that is?”
Rolling the hem of her sleeve through her fingers, she takes a moment to think it through. There’s so much difference between Declan and Sam. For one, Declan actually cares. He wanted to tear the world apart when she told him about Sam. During dinner at her parents’, he used his power to try to calm her, placing a comforting touch on her when he knew she needed it, without her actually having to say so. Sam never would have done that. He never would have noticed. But as happy as Declan makes her, Sam makes her just as angry.
“Because I can’t seem to let Sam go.”
Colson’s head tilts to the side, surveying her. “What do you mean?”
“There’s still so much of me tied up with him. I resent him for how he treated me. I’m still angry that I had to leave my career behind. I know he didn’t have a role in that, but knowing he never really supported me to begin with, and that he then refused to help me in my time of need… I have so much anger toward him. And then on top of that, he won’t let me go either.”
“It’s good to hear you start to acknowledge his behavior and how it makes you feel. You’ve spent so long defending him or being indifferent. But what do you mean by he won’t let you go either?”
She sighs. “He’s been trying to reach me. He sent me a text a few days ago.”
“He did? What did he want?”
Leaning back, she kicks her legs out in front of her and drops her head onto the back of the couch, looking to the ceiling. She’s done this so many times before that she’s pretty sure she knows the exact number of ceiling tiles up there. “He said he wants a chance to talk. I haven’t responded to him, though.”
“Why do you think you haven’t responded?” he asks, even though she knows he already knows the answer.
“Because I’m scared.”
“What is causing the fear?”
“I think that he’ll somehow pull me back in. I know we talked about my feeling like I was missing something, but I think I was missing what I felt like was my place in the world. And I am starting to feel like I’ve found it. I’ve loved being able to put the showcase together for work. I’m happy teaching, even if it means I’ll never be on the stage as I was before. And I’m making connections again.”
“And you’ve found someone who seems to show you what’s possible.”
“And I’ve found someone who shows me what’s possible.” She smiles again, feeling the light Colson mentioned coming back to her at the thought of Declan.
“So my question then is, if you’re happy now, or at least on the way to happy, why do you fear that he’ll pull you back in? That you’ll let him take control of you again?”
“Honestly? Because I don’t believe I deserve to feel this way. I haven’t done anything special to be worthy of it. I was with him for years, and there’s still that part of me that believes I belong with him.”
Silence settles between them as her words sink in. Eventually, Colson looks at her and waits for her to meet his gaze. “I am going to break my role a little bit here, but I want to be perfectly clear. You, Eliana, do not need to do anything special to deserve to be treated with respect, care, and affection. You do not need to do anything special to be worthy of happiness. Of love. You deserve it because you exist. That’s it.”
Wiping a tear from her cheek, she nods. Inside, she knows he’s right. She knows Sam is bad for her and would never treat her as well as Declan has, but there’s that part of her that will always love him. Despite everything. He was her first real love, and for better or worse, he’s become a part of her being.
“You said before that my body had a memory,” she says between sniffles.
“I did.”
“I don’t think it’s only my body. I think it’s my heart as well. And I know you’ve said we need to talk about how Sam treated me and the abuse he subjected me to?—”
“Good job calling it abuse,” he interjects.
The corner of her mouth quirks up, a tiny smirk, showing her acceptance of his praise. “But I think it’s so hard for me to let go because he made a home in my heart. He was the first man to show me what love was—even in the form he did—and that is the constant model I compare this new relationship to. As lovely as Declan has been, there’s a part of me that’s waiting. Sam was lovely at the start, too. At least that’s how I remember it. How do I know that Declan won’t shift like he did?”
“You don’t. That’s unfortunately the reality. But is there anything in your current relationship that makes you think he’s likely to behave as your ex?”
She opens her mouth to respond, but pauses before any words can come out. No, there’s not a single thing that has made her question him. Rather than accusing her of being cold or telling her to get over it, when she explained why she shut down as she did, he began to ensure that he asked for her consent. Making sure she was comfortable every step of the way. He’s respected her body and autonomy since that moment on. Declan’s been gentle and has not pushed her to do more than she was willing, and he’s felt like home every time she’s been in his arms.
“No. I can’t say there is,” she eventually responds.
“So trust that. Trust that feeling. You’ve been through a great ordeal and have experienced a lot of upheaval in your life over the last little while. The fear and hesitancy are to be expected. But…” he pauses, as he makes a note on his pad, “you, Eliana, have also made great strides. Recognizing and naming your trauma is an important step.”
