Page 114 of My Sweetest Agony
“He warned me to stay away from him, that it had been a selfish and shitty decision on his part, that he understood if I couldn’t forgive him for it, but…”
But I’m weak.
The last several months have beaten me down, crushed what little strength I had before Drew died, and left me on a downward spiral to something incredibly scary. And I faced it alone.
Marlo, Trina, even Nancy being around, checking on me, trying to help, couldn’t break through the wall of anguish that had covered me so completely.
Yet, Cam broke through it.
Our shared grief and love for Drew allowed it to crumble, and when I did, he was there to hold me and keep me steady.
I don’t think Marlo could ever understand that, even if I tried to voice it.
Apparently, my inability to finish my sentence says it for me.
“Oh, girl.” Marlo’s eyes widen. “You stayed.”
The disbelief and disappointment hang heavy in the air between us, and I nod, biting my lip again, trying to figure out how to justify what I’m feeling in any way that won’t make me sound like the horrible person it seems like I’m becoming.
“I just…couldn’t walk away from him, Marlo. The other night, after we spread the ashes, him holding me, being with him like that, all of it felt right. Normal.”
She purses her lips, considering her words. “Because he looks exactly like Drew, not because he’s Camden.”
I wince at her statement.
Partially because I suspect it might still be true somewhere I don’t want to acknowledge, but also because I know there’s a part of me that understands it isn’t true at all.
“No.” I shake my head. “When he first got here, all I could see when I looked at him was Drew, but I don’t anymore. I see Cam. For who he is. For what he is.”
“Which is what, Ivy?” Her brows rise. “The guy who lied to you? The guy who pretended to be his brother to get in your pants?”
I scowl at her.
“Isn’t that what happened?”
“I mean, yes, but also…I don’t think so.”
“What do you mean?”
I finally can’t sit still anymore, and push up from the couch, pacing in the living room. “The way he talked about that night, the way he explained it to me, it was almost like he was drawn to me and he couldn’t walk away. And I understand that because that’s how I felt with Drew, and that’s how I felt in that garden with Cam, too.” Pausing, I close my eyes and envision that night again. The scent of the pool and lilacs. The way the summer breeze blew over me so gently. And then he appeared. “I knew I shouldn’t have let that happen out in the garden. Good God, you know that’s so not me. But it was like I couldn’t help myself. The way he looked at me, the way he kissed me, the way he touched me. It just melted the rest of the world away.”
Marlo studies me for a moment, her lips twisting. “And it still does that?”
There’s the ultimate question, the one that’s been rattling around inside my head since the moment he made his confession.
Given the way we spent hours wrapped up in each other, not thinking about anything else, and simply feeling, it would be impossible to say otherwise.
I nod. “I don’t know why, if it’s some big cosmic fucking joke, but being with Cam? It gives me something I never thought I’d have again.”
“What’s that, Ivy?”
“Life.”
She settles back as if I’ve slapped her, her brow furrowing. “Really?”
“There’s just something about him, his energy, the way he lives his life so unapologetically and on his own terms, yet he cares so deeply for other people. The beauty he can create with a flick of a hand. He makes me”—I smile because I don’t know how else to describe it—“happy in a way I didn’t think was possible after Drew died.”
Marlo considers me for a few moments. “Does he, though? Because all I’ve seen since he’s been in your life is you confused and anguished and constantly second-guessing your decisions and what you’re feeling. You were never like that with Drew. With Drew, it was all-in.”
