Page 51 of The King's Man
“Jannus the fucking Half-wit, are you saying thatI am to blame for the fact that some bastard Nephilim almost raped me? That I was foolish to put myself at risk and—”
“No, no! God, no. Diadre… see, here I am, fucking it all up again,” he growled, clawing a hand through his hair and shaking his head. He’d stopped eating too. I didn’t sit down. My heart banged in my chest and I waslivid.
“Why are you telling me this story, then?” I said through my teeth.
“Because when I was faced with my own lack, it shook me,” he said firmly, eyes locked on mine. “But it also strengthened me.”
I narrowed my gaze. “Strengthened you? How thefuck—”
“Learning that I was flawed—truly, deeply flawed—taught me what things were worth fighting for,” he said quietly.
I frowned harder. “How?”
Jann blew out a breath and sat back in his chair. “I’m a soldier. A fighter. A warrior. It is what I have always been, and always wanted to be. Until that day, I fought for glory, I fought for power, and I fought to show myselfbetter.”
“Okay.” I shrugged uneasily. Didn’t every soldier do that?
“But after that day, I was scared. I doubted my abilities because I’d proven to myself that none of my strength or staminawere worth a flying fuck unless they were applied with wisdom and cunning.
“Now, when I face an enemy, or an obstacle, IknowI could lose. IknowI have to choose what is important enough to actually die for. And there are fewer things worth dying for than I thought.”
I stared at him, still scrambling to understand how this applied to me.
“Make no mistake,” he said quietly. “I no longer rush into battle convinced I cannot die—which I did when I was young.”
“Well then, you were a fool,” I said, then hated myself a little bit when his eyes narrowed
“But now, my dear,” he said tightly, “I am stronger. Because if I have walked into battle, then I have measured it worthdyingfor. I willruntowards it, not because I think I cannot die, but because I’m determined to exhaust all options before losing. And so far… I’ve continued to win.”
I sat back down in my chair, chewing on that. But it was all a tangle in my belly. “How can you compare our situations?” I said finally. “I didn’t go looking for—”
“You’ve lost your nerve.”
Everything in me braced, but I made myself nod. “Perhaps. Perhaps I am… doubting, as you said,” I admitted, though it grated to do so. “But my doubt is based in evidence. You proved to me when we were travelling that you could overpower me, and I should have listened more carefully to that warning. I… underestimated the ruthless nature of your brothers,” I said through clenched teeth because it felt like they’d chatter if I opened my jaw.
He nodded slowly. “You learned the lesson. And yet, you’re out of danger now, but you’ve remained afraid,” he said.
I bristled again. “Perhaps if you were at risk of being raped the moment you stepped out of this tent, you’d empathize more fully—”
“No, no, Diadre. Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying the risk isn’t real. I’m saying… even while the threat is not present, you remain afraid.”
“Because the threat remains present,” I said tightly. Then I pointed at the tent wall, indicating the camp beyond. “There is an entire horde of Nephilim out there who would take me against my will.”
“Have I not protected you?”
I blinked and sat back in my seat as well. “Yes, but—”
“No buts, Diadre. Your fear doesn’t rest on the environment—you were here before and walked around as if they were insects under your shoe. Your fear is rooted in your doubt in yourself. Before, you believed you could deal with it. Now you do not.”
“What’s your point?”
“Is my statement true?”
“I suppose, but—”
“Say it.”
“Say what?”
