Page 53 of The King's Man
I made a great show of resettling myself and turning back to my food, picking up the cutlery and pretending I would eat. But I just stared at that plate.
Was this just about that fucking life debt? I felt confused and hurt—and even more confused because I didn’t know why I was hurt. He hadn’t done anything but save me and attempt to help.
For once, I stayed silent. I didn’t speak to him. Didn’t bark. Didn’t challenge or tease. I didn’t want to. Regardless of his motives, Jann had saved me from certain disaster, and protected me since.
And that made me want to be closer to him.
Andthatthought sent my mind shrieking into the abyss. I pushed it away and made myself eat, but didn’t taste a bite.
After all that intensity and purpose, Jann now wouldn’t even look at me. And for some reason that made me feelashamed.
We finished the meal in awkward silence. I averted my eyes, so didn’t know if he was looking at me again. But I found I wished he had.
When it was time for bed, he stripped down to his underthings, then slipped into bed and blew out the lantern, which gave me the darkness to undress in. I was grateful, but still unsettled.
When I lay down on the other side of his bed, I was stiff as a plank and holding the furs to my chin.
The awkwardness grew worse when it was apparent that he didn’t simply roll over and go to sleep as he had on the other nights. He hadn’t had much more sleep than me the night before. He was tired, too. I knew it. But he lay there, eyes on the ceiling. Probably thinking about how he’d been saddled with this debt, this deadweight.
So much for proving myself to the Nephilim. So much for carving a path for women behind me. God, I was a failure oneverylevel.
And my skin felt too tight.
“I’m sorry,” I forced myself to breathe into the dark.
He twitched. “What?”
I cleared my throat. “I’m sorry. I know… I know I haven’t been easy on you. And you’re right, you have taken care of me. And all it’s gotten you is this… responsibility. Forced to share your space with me. But… you were right to make me say it. Iamafraid. I don’t want to be alone and—”
“Diadre… I’d never expect you to be alone. Why the hell are you apologizing?”
I took a deep breath. “Because I know how painful it is to babysit another adult. I don’t know if it helps, but I hate it too. So, I understand why you—”
He sighed heavily and I cut off. I’d already humbled myself. Did I really have to brace for him to list to me all the reasons he hated this?
“No, Diadre… You’re wrong.”
I frowned into the dark. “Wrong about what?”
He rolled onto his side and pushed up onto one elbow. “I don’t hate having you here.” He huffed and ran his hand through his hair. “I don’t hate it at all.”
21.Say It
SOUNDTRACK:Only the Beginningby UNSECRET
~ JANN ~
God, I was a coward. A ball-less wonder of divine proportions. She’d challenged me, looked me in the eye and asked me the hard question. And I’d been so close. Teetering on the edge of that cliff.
You’re my mate.
The words had crawled up my throat, begging for release, and at the last possible moment, I swallowed them back and told her some bullshit about her value as a soldier and Advisor.
I was so ashamed of myself I struggled to meet her eyes for the rest of the evening.
Now, she lay here in my bed, rigid with tension and self-loathing because me and my little speech had donenothingto help, and she blamed herself? Called herself a burden?
She thought I hated having her here?
