Page 28 of Tis the Season
‘Excellent,’ I said.
‘Depends on how you look at it. On the plus side, he’s no longer following me around like a lost puppy.’
Erin gave Joyce a satisfied smile. ‘So our words of wisdom worked then?’
‘I’ll get to that. I’m still on the good news.’ Joyce drank a swig of wine. ‘Having introduced him to meal prep, it would seem Richard has discovered a love of cooking. He’s spending hours finding recipes, learning all about herbs and spices, weights, temperatures, the lot…’
‘Impressive,’ I said. ‘I just cook everything at 200.’
‘Me too. Medium if it’s on the stove,’ Erin said.
‘Not only has he taken over shopping duties, giving me even more time to myself, he’s banned me from going anywhere near the kitchen.’
‘Fantastic,’ Erin said.
Joyce sighed. ‘That’s what I thought too.’ She pursed her lips. ‘Initially.’
Perplexed, Erin and I waited to hear more.
‘Now we have the bad news.’
‘Which is?’ I asked.
‘He’s rubbish at it.’
Clamping down on my jaw, I tried not to snigger.
‘Honestly, it’s like he has zero palate.’ Joyce looked from Erin to me. ‘Why I ever listened to you two, is anyone’s guess. Do you know how hard it is to pretend you’re on a diet when you love food as much as I do? Because that’s what I’ve had to resort to. The hours I’ve spent wondering where the next digestible meal is coming from.’
That explained the mountain of food she’d just waded through.
‘It’s downright torture.’ She glanced over at the buffet table. ‘For the love of God, I wish I’d brought a bigger handbag.’ She turned back to us. ‘I’m really struggling with what Richard puts in front of me. I mean look…’ She indicated her torso. ‘It’s only been a week and I’m already withering away.’
Taking in her fuller figure, neither Erin nor I had the heart to say anything.
‘If something doesn’t change, I’m gonna die of starvation.’ Joyce drank another mouthful of wine. ‘If I thought I was going mad before, that’s nothing to what I feel now.’ She sighed. ‘If I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again. It’s no wonder couples get divorced after goodness knows how many years. Now I really am on the verge of suggesting it myself.’
‘What are you going to do?’ I asked.
‘You tell me.’ She eyed both Erin and me. ‘On second thoughts don’t. It’s because of you two I’m in this mess.’
‘At least now you’ve got space to breathe. Which is what you wanted.’ Erin said. ‘Every silver cloud and all that.’
Joyce’s eyes widened. ‘You do know people candiefrom malnutrition?’
One of the things I’d grown to love about Joyce was her flair for the dramatic and unable to hold my amusement in any longer, I let out a laugh. ‘You could try telling him how awful his food is.’
‘And ruin his fun? Richard is like a pig in the proverbial. I haven’t seen him this happy in months. It’s like I’ve no choice but to keep suffering in silence.’
‘And eating between meals,’ Erin said, nodding to her discarded plate.
‘Exactly!’ Joyce said. ‘I suppose I could do what Janice did.’
‘Janice from the bookshop?’ I asked. Having seen the ‘For Rent’ sign go up, I’d wondered what had happened to her.
‘Haven’t you heard? She went on a pre-Christmas holiday to Cornwall, met the love of her life, and decided not to come back. Of course, in my case I’d beleavingthe love of mine.’ Joyce pondered a moment. ‘Or I could save myself the hassle and just kill him before he kills me? Prison food’s got to be better than what I’m being served now.’
CHAPTER15
