Page 59 of Tumbleweed Temptation
“What do you mean? Doing something that challenges you more, that isn’t worth asserting yourself to Janine?”
“She counts on me, Austin.”
“She has other people she can count on.”
“But I’m the only family she has.”
“Look, I know y’all bonded after Bridget died, but she can’t—I mean, you don't expect that Bridget would still be bending and scraping to her mother?”
“No, of course not, but that would have been natural. A daughter is supposed to be around to break apart from her mother. You didn't see, because you were going through your own personal hell, but Janine was...I don't know. Fragile isn’t the word I want. Destroyed. She put herself back together on the outside, but man, one little bump would break her apart again.”
“And I know she is glad you were there to help her hold herself together, Ginny. But it was twelve years ago.”
“You better than anyone should know that doesn’t matter.”
“I’m not using my grief to run someone else’s life.”
“No, just to run.” As soon as she said the words, she clapped her hand over her mouth, staring at him. “Austin, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I couldn't know what I would have done in your shoes.”
“No, you’re right. You’re right.” He pushed the food around the pan with the tip of a spatula. “I couldn't get out of here fast enough. And if I hadn’t had that contract, I one hundred percent would not be standing here now. I still missed my mom when I left—I mean there were so many things I wanted to share with her, once I got to Waco. We were the only ones for so long, you know, all we had, and I was used to that. Being away was easier, I think, than being here, but it wasn'teasy.”
“I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No, I mean, I shouldn’t have said what I said. We don't know what’s going on in each other’s lives. We don't know what the last twelve years have been like.”
He turned back to the stove and attended to the rice while she sat helplessly at the counter and wondered how to make things right.
“It’s easy to wonder what our lives would have been like if that day hadn’t happened. I might have been able to move Mom with me. You would have gone to college. We both might not be here, we might not be in touch. But that day did happen. We are who we are because of it. May not be who we planned to be. But maybe it’s not too late to change those plans.”
She knew he was talking about her, not about himself. And maybe this wasn't where she’d seen herself when she imagined herself approaching thirty. But she had friends and two decent jobs, and people who loved her.
She didn't want to risk Janine’s love. She didn't think it was conditional, not at all, but she knew Janine was still pretty easily upset. Honestly, she didn't know if Janine had been that way before Bridget died.
At the same time, she didn't want to be smothered by Janine, either.
This decision was too hard, and she didn't want to be pressured into it. She didn't want to work for Austin, find she didn't like it, and have her ties with Janine cut.
But then what? She could go and find her next adventure.
She’d always thought she’d be more adventurous. Like one of the heroines in the novels she edited.
She would talk to Janine in the morning. But she wouldn't tell Austin until she had.
Dinner was delicious, and more relaxed than she expected, given their earlier exchange. And she didn't even care who saw her walking out of his apartment late that night.
