Page 92 of Beautiful Lies
“I’m sorry, Ava. I’m so fucking sorry. About everything.” He cradled my face in his hands and swiped away the tears and smeared makeup with his thumbs.
“We both made mistakes, Connor. We lost our way…we took so many detours on our way back to each other. And when you got back from Miami…I wasn’t even talking to you. I was too busy convincing myself that I hated you. But it was never you I hated. It was your father and the drugs…”
“I was the one who started doing drugs, Ava. You can’t blame that on my shitty childhood. Killian and I grew up in the same house with the same father, but he never turned to drugs.”
“You’re not Killian. No offense to Killian…I love Killian…but you’re a lot deeper and you’re more…” I was going to say sensitive which was true, but Connor would probably put that in the same category as victim, even though it was a good quality, one of his best. I cast around for the right word. “Emotionally intelligent.”
Connor snorted. “Where did you come up with that one, babe? One of your quizzes?”
I rolled my eyes. I’d taken the quiz only a few days ago, not that I’d admit it now. “Whatever. Just roll with it.”
We were silent for a few minutes and I tried to wrap my head around everything he’d told me tonight, and everything I’d learned from Keira today.
“What happens next?” I asked, hoping he’d have some answers, hoping he’d tell me how the rest of our story would play out, but my gut told me I wouldn’t like the answer. “Will we ever get our happy ending?”
“I have to believe that we will. Someday. But there are some things I need to do first to make this right.”
“What are you saying?”
“Wait for me.”
I took deep breaths, trying to fight the tears that threatened to fall again. After all we’d been through, after all the stops and starts, I had really believed that this was our second chance. That we’d find a way to make it work this time.
“Why are you pushing me away when you need me?”
“I don’t want to be the boy hiding in the closet anymore. I don’t want to be the guy harboring secrets and lies. I want to be the man you deserve. I want to be worthy of you. I thought I was ready…for you…for us. But I still have a long way to go.”
I fished my keys out of my bag and he followed me to my front door as I jammed my key in the lock and pushed the door open. He held it open with his hand and blocked the entrance with his body. “You’re an ass. I’ve always thought you were worthy, even when you didn’t believe it yourself. Even when I hated the things you did. Even when I left you. I never once thought you were unworthy. But it doesn’t matter how much I believe in you. You need to start believing in yourself. You’re enough, Connor.You are enough.”
I reached up to touch his face and rested my palm on his cheekbone. He wrapped his hand around my wrist and leaned into my hand, his eyes closing briefly as he exhaled. I wasn’t stupid. I’d always known he was damaged and more than a little bit broken. I knew there was no quick fix. But I hoped that in time he would realize what I’d known all along. He was worthy. He deserved good things in his life. “I get that you feel you have to do this on your own...” I stopped myself and took a deep breath. “That’s a lie. I don’t get it. If you feel like you have something to prove, you don’t need to do it alone.” By the set of his jaw, I knew his mind was made up and there was nothing I could do or say to change it. I crossed my arms over my chest. “Just for the record, I think it’s stupid.”
His mouth quirked in amusement. “Stupid, huh? I’m working on being your white knight.”
“I’m not a damsel in distress and I don’t need you to save me.”
“I know, babe, but I need to do this. For you. For myself. For us. I need to slay the dragons, or I’ll never be free.” He was asking me to try and understand. To wait for him to sort out his life.
“When does life stop being a battle?”
“When right wins over might.”
I studied his face in the dim hallway light and silently wished him luck before I slipped past him into the foyer. “If you need someone to carry your sword into battle, you know where to find me.”
“At the corner of Badass and Fun-Sized,” he called after me.
Har har har. I flipped him the middle finger as I climbed the stairs and heard him chuckling, the door closing behind him, the locks clicking into place.
27
Connor
“That smells good,” Keira said, coming into the kitchen, freshly showered, her face scrubbed clean, wearing pajama bottoms and a University of Miami sweatshirt. She pulled up a stool at the island, twisted her wet hair into a knot and secured it with the elastic on her wrist. Keira had inherited her father’s looks and her mother’s cheekbones. So sharp you could cut diamonds with them. It felt strange to have her in my space, her toiletries already cluttering my bathroom, her bags parked in my bedroom. We were strangers who shared some DNA and it hit me all over again that this girl sitting at my island was my sister. “What is it?”
“An omelet with peppers and onions and cheese. You hungry?” I asked. Feeding her, at least, was something I could do. “You can have this one and I’ll make another one.”
“No. Ava and I went for empanadas.”
Keira was rail-thin, built exactly like a model. The time we’d gone out to lunch, she’d ordered a salad and overpriced water. “Did you eat the empanadas?” I asked, not sure why I was concerned with her diet or anything else about her. “Because you look like you don’t eat.”
