Page 134 of When the Stars Fall
I opened my mouth to protest.
“Brody. Can you help Noah? He can’t dress himself yet.”
She held his gaze for a few seconds until he finally nodded. “Sure. Whatever you want, L.”
After he left the kitchen, I rounded the island and reached for her. She crossed her arms over her chest, shutting me out. As if the past few weeks had meant nothing to her. As if last night had never happened.
“I just need you to answer one question,” she said, her gaze holding mine. I nodded. “Will you ever forgive me for this?”
I wanted to say that I already had, but it wasn’t true. While Brody was away, I’d been able to block him out, pretend he didn’t exist but now that he was back and throwing it in my face again, I knew that this was when the true test would begin.
If Brody and I couldn’t find a way to co-exist peacefully, Lila would kick my sorry ass out the door faster than you could say Rebel. She’d been honest from the start, had drilled it into my head that Noah would always come first. I was not her number one anymore. And Noah was Brody’s kid, not mine. So where did that leave me?
“Brody will always be a part of my life,” she said. “He’s not going to disappear. We found a way that works for us. We found a way to co-parent that’s best for Noah. I want Noah to see that we’re good friends and that we care about each other. I never want him to feel like he has to choose sides.”
I couldn’t argue with any of it. Everything she said made perfect sense and if Noah was my kid, I would want the same thing. He wasn’t even my kid and Istillwanted that for him. But if you ask me, this was overkill.
“Are you always going to lay it on this thick? Every time the three of you are together in my presence? Was it a test to see how much I could put up with before I cracked?”
She shook her head no. Then she took a deep breath and let it out. “I don’t want to break you, Jude. I know how hard you’ve worked and you’ve come so far… I don’t want to be the person who ruins all your hard work.”
“I’m not that fragile. I don’t break that easily.” It pissed me off that she still felt like she had to worry about me.
“But you didn’t answer my question.” She lifted her eyes to mine. “Will you ever forgive me?”
“Will you ever forgive me?”
“I want to.”
Guess I had my answer. She hadn’t forgiven me yet and I was still harboring resentment over the method she’d chosen to get over me.
When Lila and I got engaged, I told her that if she ever cheated on me, that would be the end. I’d never get over that kind of betrayal. She told me that if I ever left her, there would be no coming back. Technically, she hadn’t cheated on me and logically, I knew this. When I left, I’d wanted her to move on, to find happiness without me. But I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that she’d not only slept with Brody but he’d gotten her pregnant.
Did I have any right to resent Lila and Brody for this? One could argue that I had no right.
I knew what I needed to do. I had to be the bigger man. I had to find a way to make peace with a situation I wasn’t happy about. Find a way to sit down at the same table with the man who had given the love of my life something that I couldn’t. It was a big ask. The situation was fucked-up. But as I knew, a lot of things in life were fucked up beyond our control.
I had two choices. Man up and accept this. Or lose her forever.
“What do I need to do in order for you to forgive me?” I asked her.
“I’m still so scared you’re going to run. I’m scared that all this will be too much for you to handle and you’ll leave me again. I’m scared that one day I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone. But I think… you have to decide if this is something you can live with. And I’m sorry… so sorry I put you in this position. But I can’t go back and change what happened.”
Lila and I used to believe that our love could conquer all. That no obstacle would be too great. How naïve we’d been. It was never a question of not loving each other enough. We’d never stopped loving each other.
In the end, what it came down to was whether or not we could find a way to be together without dredging up all the sins of our past. Without throwing our transgressions into each other’s face every time we argued. Because we would argue. We were still the bull and the lion, and we fought as passionately as we loved.
Love tested your limits.
It was so damn easy to fall in love. So easy to love a person when times were good. The real challenge was sticking it out even when the going got rough. But I was done running. I was done trying to pretend that I’d ever find true happiness without Lila. She was it for me. My once in a lifetime love. My reason. My past, present, and my future. If I walked away from her now, I’d be a miserable bastard for the rest of my sorry life.
“I’m not going anywhere without you, Rebel. You’re my ride or die. I’m never leaving you again. I promise on my life… no, fuck that. I promise on your life, on Noah’s life, I will stay and I will love you until my last breath.”
“And you’ll forgive me for what I did?”
“I already have.”
Her eyes narrowed in disbelief. Still so suspicious. Only time would heal these old wounds but we’d have plenty of time. “When did this happen?”
