Page 91 of When the Stars Fall
“Just think of it as a vacation. Sit back and let them take care of you.”
He snorted. Good luck to the hospital staff if they planned to keep him in a room for two weeks. My dad would be climbing the walls. “Good to have you home, son.”
“Good to be here,” I lied.
“I’m hoping you’ll stay.”
Those words filled me with dread. “I’m here now. Don’t get greedy.”
That made him laugh again and then he coughed. Shit.
“No laughing. Doctor’s orders.” I poured a cup of water from the pitcher on his bedside table and guided the straw to his mouth. He took a few sips then leaned back against the pillow, exhausted from the effort of taking a few sips of water. I set the cup back on the table.
“I feel like a goddamn toddler.”
“You’ll be fighting fit in no time.”
He nodded and we sat in comfortable silence but I could tell he had a lot on his mind. “Proud of you. Proud of the work you’ve been doing.” He cleared his throat. Paying compliments didn’t come easy for him. “You’ve done good.”
Not sure I had. I’d spent years being anything but good. “Yeah well, when you hit rock bottom there’s nowhere to go but up.”
“I think we both know that’s not true.”
He was right. In the past six years, two guys from my unit had taken their own lives. I’d come so close to becoming another statistic.
I’d been diagnosed with PTSD. It wasn’t something that simply vanished. I still had triggers. I still had bad dreams that woke me in a cold sweat and made me feel like I was dying. I still had flashbacks.
I was told they might never go away. But they weren’t as frequent. In the past few years, I’d had a lot of counseling so I’d learned how to manage it better.
Every morning I woke up, and I got on with my day. Every day I made a conscious effort to be mentally healthy. That in itself was a major win.
“Do you have any regrets? About enlisting in the Marines?” he clarified. My dad and I didn’t usually get into these types of conversations. We didn’t talk about deep shit or philosophize about life but now he was broaching a subject we’d never discussed. “I always wondered if you did it because I talked it up so much. If you enlisted because of me.”
“No. It was my choice. No regrets.” Not sure if he believed me but he didn’t need to be saddled with guilt for a decision I’d made.
Truth was I’d been a good Marine, and while I was in the Corps, I’d loved it. Coming home was the challenge, and it sucked that the place I’d always loved had become a battlefield. Instead of leaving the war behind, I’d brought hell to my own front door.
“It was a different time when I was a Marine,” he said. “I never got sent to a combat zone. If you did it because of me, I’m sorry about that.”
It dawned on me why he was talking like this. There was nothing like facing your own mortality to make you question your life choices. To study and analyze your decisions, mistakes, the wrong turns and detours that had led you to whatever place in the road you were currently at.
“I have plenty of regrets, but becoming a Marine is not one of them,” I stated firmly, needing him to believe that.
He nodded, accepting my statement as truth.
A few more seconds of silence ticked by until I finally said the words I should have said a long time ago. “I’m sorry I’ve been gone for so long.”
I didn’t just mean physically gone, I had beengone.
“You were never a runner. Quite the opposite. If you felt you had to leave, I guess you had your reasons.” I was tempted to ask my old man if he was getting soft in his old age but I sensed he had more to say. “But be prepared,” he said. “Your mother won’t let you get away so easily this time. She wants you to take over the business. Keeps saying it’s time we took that vacation to Hawaii that I’ve been promising for the last decade.” He paused, studying my face to see what effect his words had on me.
I schooled my features to hide my reaction. “You should take her on a vacation. You both deserve it.”
“The business was always meant to be yours. It’s time you step up and take over.”
I was afraid this was going to happen. It wasn’t only my mother who wanted me to take over the business. He wanted it too.
“You’re ready to retire?”
