Page 133 of When the Storm Breaks
I laughed harshly. “Family?I don’t believe anything you say anymore, Landry. You’re a liar and a user. You’ve just lost the only family you had.”
I turned and I walked away, my heart heavy, my throat so clogged with emotion I couldn’t swallow.
Marcus stepped forward, having watched the entire exchange. He put his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eyes. “You’ve been through a lot in the past few weeks. If you need me to cancel tonight’s show, say the word.”
That he would even consider doing that for me made me tear up again. I shook my head. “But you might need to find another band to open for me. I know it’s short notice…”
“You leave that to me. I’ll take care of everything. James is waiting to drive you back to the hotel. I’ll stop by later to check on you.”
I mustered a smile for him. “Thank you.”
* * *
The next fiveweeks were the longest five weeks of my life. I didn’t cancel a single show. I tried to give the best performance I could. And in the end, the tour was deemed a success. Financially, anyway.
Three days after my final show in L.A. I agreed to meet Dean for dinner. He was renting a place in Malibu. He loved the beach, loved to watch the ocean and back when we’d first moved to L.A., he’d taken up surfing.
“I’m still a shit surfer,” he joked as we sat at the round patio table on his deck and ate cheeseburgers, fries and shakes. The sun was setting over the Pacific, the sky painted apricot and lilac, the air salt-scented and warm with a light breeze coming off the ocean.
“How are you doing, Shy? How are youreallydoing?”
I looked up from my burger and met his gaze. “I don’t think you’ve ever asked me that.” I’m sure he had but what I’d meant was that it had been a long time since he asked it in a way that sounded like he actually cared.
“There are a lot of things I never asked you.”
This was Dean, showing his vulnerable side. The breeze lifted his brown hair and this evening those hazel eyes were more green than brown. His skin was sun-tanned and he was wearing an old ripped T-shirt and board shorts, his feet bare. He looked more relaxed than I’d ever seen him, and I wanted to confide in him. Tell him all the things I should have told him a long time ago.
“Ask me now,” I said.
He toyed with a fry then dropped it onto the burger wrapper and leaned back in his seat. “Okay. What the hell. When I was in prison, why did you give up our baby?” I heard the hurt and the anger in his voice.
All the breath got knocked out of my lungs. Not the question I’d expected. “You… you never wanted that baby, Dean. You never even asked about her.”
“Are you shitting me? I wanted that baby. I told you I did. I told you I’d do whatever it took to look after both of you. I went to prison so you and the baby would be looked after so don’t fucking tell me I didn’t want her.”
I stared at him. “So it is true. You really did take the fall for Landry. Why would you do that?”
“Because I thought he’d do a better job of looking after you than I could. Everyone knew I was trouble. I never pretended to be a choirboy. And I wanted that kid, but I was scared shitless I’d fuck it all up. Because that’s what I always did.”
“You didn’t fuck everything up. We had some good years. I loved you so much.”
“I was crazy in love with you,” he said with a small laugh. “Still am, if I’m being honest. But I always knew you deserved better.”
“So you went out of your way to fuck everything up.” Dean had always been so self-destructive.
“Did a damn good job of it too.”
“You know what we were good at?” He lifted his chin, prompting me to tell him. “Music. We made magic together.”
“Fuck yeah we did.” He smiled at the thought of it.
“And we made a beautiful baby together, Dean. She looks so much like you.” I smiled. “She has your dimples and your eyes. And she loves to sing and dance. She’s happy.”
His eyes searched mine. “You saw her?”
I nodded. “I went to see her. While you were in rehab. I just… I wanted to make sure she was okay and …” I stopped talking, my gaze on the ocean, my longing for Brody so painful it felt like I’d been stabbed in the chest. So much had been lost. My brother. Hayley. My relationship with Dean. Was it possible that Brody and I could find our way back to each other? After everything I said and the way I kicked him to the curb, I didn’t think he’d ever forgive me. I returned my gaze to Dean, my first love. “I’ve made such a mess of everything, Dean.”
He studied my face for a minute and somehow, he understood what I was talking about without my having to tell him. “I learned a few things from this last stint in rehab. Might help you too. You’ve got to be honest. With yourself. And with the other person. If you hurt someone, you need to own up to whatever you did and apologize. Try to fix it. The only thing within your control is the way you deal with all the shit that gets thrown at you. Make a plan and do the best you can. One day at a time.”
