Page 130 of Until August
I never wanted Sage to feel like he had to choose between them and me. I never wanted him to feel guilty for being excited about his new life in Hawaii.
A parent’s job was to ensure that their kids didn’t have to carry the burden of the choices made on their behalf.
I chose to get involved in drug dealing.
I chose to go through with those operations for Sage.
I made those decisions on my own because Sasha relied on me to make the tough decisions.
She was scared. Worried. Unsure. Understandably so. But fear paralyzed Sasha, and she relied on me to think for both of us.
For me, there was only one clear choice. To make sure our son had a fighting chance.
And now, presented with another challenge, there was only one clear choice.
I broke the silence and addressed Travis, who looked like he’d been waiting for me to speak. “I’m going to ask you one more time. Don’t move. I’m sure Hawaii is fucking fantastic. But I can’t go to Hawaii, and no matter what you and Sasha might think, I have every right to be in my son’s life. Not just on special occasions or a few times a year but on a full-time basis. I want him to know that he can call me whenever he wants and that I’ll drop everything to be there for him. And I can’t fucking do that if you’re two thousand miles away.”
Travis stared at me for a moment, his face inscrutable. I was two seconds away from jumping across the counter, grabbing him by the shoulders, and shaking a response out of him. But Sage burst into the room, and my gaze swung to him.
“Ta-da!” He handed me a spiral ring notebook with sea stars and starfish decorating the cover.
“What’s this?”
“Your special present. I made it just for you.” He was beaming, and I took a moment to take in the changes. Even though we’d been video chatting almost daily, I hadn’t seen him in person in six weeks. It looked as if he’d grown a couple inches since then.
“Open it,” he said, bouncing on his toes like he couldn’t contain his excitement.
“I’ll be in the den if you need me,” Travis said as he walked out of the kitchen, leaving me alone with Sage.
I wanted to get Sage out of there and take him somewhere else, but he insisted that I open the book right this minute, so I complied as he dragged a stool next to me and climbed onto it. I set the notebook on the counter and flipped open the first page.
My heart stuttered when I saw the photo of me holding Sage. It was right after he was born, and I was sitting next to Sasha’s hospital bed. I was shirtless because we’d read somewhere that it was a good way for fathers to bond with their newborns.
I traced the photo with my index finger. He’d used tape on each corner to stick it to the page. “Where did you get this?”
“Mom. She had all the photos on a cloud.” His brow furrowed like he was puzzled about how you could keep photos on a cloud. Then he shrugged. “Anyway. Go to the next page,” he said, reaching over and flipping it for me.
The next photo was another one of Sage and me. In this one, he was sitting at the chef’s table in my old restaurant, and I was feeding him. He had green sauce smeared all over his face and down the front of his bib. “I was a messy eater,” he said with a laugh. “And I had a mohawk.”
“You were so young.” He must have only been a few months old in that photo. Now I knew why I hadn’t recognized him on the beach that day. When Sage was born, he had dark hair. Everyone used to say he looked just like me. Over time his hair had started getting lighter, but it had never been as blond as it was now.
More memories assaulted me with each page I flipped and each photo I studied. Sage asleep on my chest in his room. Me helping him climb the jungle gym at the playground. Building a sandcastle. Watching him unwrap his Christmas presents. His first birthday. His second birthday. And when I flipped to the last page, there was a photo of me by his bedside, holding his hand after his third operation.
It was the last time I saw him. The photo was taken shortly before I flew back to LA.
Tears welled in my eyes, and I clenched my jaw to hold them back.
I couldn’t fucking lose this kid. It would kill me.
I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out.
Sage saved me from having to say anything.
“I told Mom that I don’t remember you. And she gave me these photos so I could remember you. She has a lot more too. But I picked the ones I liked best. Do you… um, do you like it?” He sounded worried, mistaking my silence for something else.
I cleared my throat. “I love it. It’s the best gift I’ve ever gotten.”
His eyes widened. “It is?”
