Page 36 of Until August
She propped it up with the kickstand and patted the seat. “My darling,” she said, her voice gruff, mimicking me.
We shared a laugh like two lovers with a history, but our humor faded when the harsh reality seeped back in. We were over, and there was no going back. “I never thought we’d end up like this,” I admitted.
“Neither did I. I thought we’d grow old together. You were my home,” she said softly. Her eyes flooded with tears.
When we met, I knew she was the one. The woman who would save me from myself. I thought I’d found a forever kind of love. But nothing good lasts forever. “And you were mine,” I said, my voice soft. The only real home I’d ever known was with her. “Come here.”
She hesitated but took a tentative step and then another as if pulled by an invisible force. I wrapped my arms around her and held her close for a few seconds. Just a few heartbeats. It was bittersweet. A long overdue goodbye, not ahello, I’ve missed you, and it feels good to be home again.
She didn’t feel right in my arms anymore, nothing like the girl I’d met thirteen years ago. Life had changed us, and we were different people now. She belonged to someone else and was having his child, not mine.
Sasha was not my home anymore.
It made my chest ache. A dull, throbbing pain that made my throat close up. Not the same sharp stabbing pain as before when I’d received her final letter. That letter shattered my heart. But this… this felt like closure, I guess.
She took a step back when I released her and wiped her eyes, trying to compose herself. Her hands lowered to her belly as if she wanted to draw attention to the new life growing inside her. Instead, I looked out at the ocean. One of the few things that hadn’t changed in the years I’d been gone. “I know I fucked up all our dreams. And I’m sorry. For all of it.”
How many times could I say I’m sorry?
As many times as it took until she forgave me.
Or until I found a way to forgive myself.
“You were always bigger than life. You did everything in such a big way. So I shouldn’t have been surprised when you fucked up in a monumental way.” She mimicked my voice, “Don’t worry, baby, I’ve got everything under control.” Her baby blues met my greens, and I saw the hurt she couldn’t hide. “But you didn’t, did you?”
Even though the question was rhetorical, I shook my head. “No.”
“For the first year, all I did was cry.” Her eyes lowered. “I cried for you, and I cried for myself and for Sage. He’d already been through so much, and on top of it all, he lost his father too. And it was so hard to deal with all that.” She lifted her head. Took a deep breath and let it out. “Until one day, I finally woke up and told myself I had to move on. I had to put you out of my heart and forget about you. Because it was the only way I could be the mother Sage needed.”
I let her words sink in, and for the first time in years, I tried to look at everything from her point of view. She’d been in Boston with Sage when I got arrested and convicted of a felony and sentenced to five years in the county jail.
We’d never even gotten a chance to say goodbye.
But even if she’d waited for me, I doubt we could have ever gotten back to the place we’d been. I’d broken her trust and the faith she’d always put in me, and she retaliated by breaking my heart. “So you sent me a goodbye letter and cut me out of your life.”
She nodded. “And do you know what gave me the strength to do that?”
I hoped like hell she wouldn’t say Travis.
“Because it’s what you told me I had to do withmyfather. You said he never deserved me, and the best thing I could do was to cut him out of my life. You said I’d be lighter and happier without him. You told me I didn’t need him because I had you and that you would never desert me like he did. And I believed you, August. I believed you,” she whispered.
“I believed you with my whole heart and soul because when I was weak, you were strong. You were always there to pick me up and carry me. And I think that was part of the problem. I relied on you so much. Too much. So when it all fell apart, I was lost without you. But I learned how to be strong. And I learned how to stand on my own two feet. Because you were gone, and I had a little boy who depended on me.”
I blew out a heavy breath. There wasn’t a whole hell of a lot I could say in my own defense. Her father had abandoned her, and so had I. Ironic, considering I’d been abandoned as a kid and had always vowed to do better.
I’d spent so long being angry with her for her choices, but I guess you could argue that I broke her first. She’d simply returned the favor. But regardless of who broke who first, she was trying to keep Sage away from me, and I couldn’t continue to let that happen.
My gaze drifted to the white stucco storefronts with terracotta roofs on the main street that funneled down to the pier. Costa del Rey looked like a Mediterranean village with flower baskets hanging from the lampposts. Unlike Compton, where I’d grown up, it didn’t appear to have any rough edges. It was a nice town, and Sage was surrounded by good people, but there was still room in his life for me.
“I get what you’re saying about moving on. It’s what we both need to do. But not when it comes to Sage,” I said firmly, standing by my conviction that my son deserved to know that I loved him and that I’d never stopped. “I’m a big part of who he is, and I want to play a role in his life. He deserves to know who I am.”
She gnawed on her lip and then nodded, finally relenting to my pleas. “I’ll talk to him. But I’m going to leave this up to him. If Sage wants to see you, I’ll call you.”
What the hell? “You’re going to leave this up to a seven-year-old boy?” I asked incredulously. Was that the kind of decision a little boy was equipped to make? Especially when he was working with the false premise that I’d abandoned him for a job.
“He deserves to get a vote. Remember how I always said he has an old soul?”
“I remember.”
