Page 49 of Until August
Tears stung my eyes. God, I was so fucking tired of the tears.
I didn’t need a reminder that Cruz’s younger sister wouldn’t speak to me anymore. She hadn’t visited Cruz in almost two years, the last time we’d spoken. I brushed away the tears and clicked my seat belt into the holder, all set to leave if only he’d get out of my damn way. “Why are you doing this to me?”
“Cruz was my best friend. He loved you so fucking much, Nic.” The past tense wasn’t lost on me. “He would have wanted me to look after you. So I can’t just stand by and watch you do this to yourself. Scarlett’s worried about you.I’mworried about you. Let him go, Nic. We’ll get a court order and make it happen.”
Make it happen. As if he was suggesting an exciting new adventure. “Do you know what you’re asking? You’re asking me to starve my husband to death. To withdraw his food and hydration.”
I sucked in a deep breath and leaned against the headrest, staring blankly out the windshield as I tried to wrap my head around what he was asking me to do.
“How am I supposed to do that? Do you really believe I can just sit back and watch him…”Die. Cruz’s brain didn’t send the right signals to his body anymore, but his heart was still strong. If we did what Dylan suggested, it could take up to two weeks before his heart gave out. “I can’t.” I shook my head. “I can’t do it.”
Dylan stepped around the car door and crouched in front of me. “It’s a mercy killing,” he said quietly.
“Mercy? Is that what you call it?” I whipped my head around, and my eyes locked onto his stormy blues. I wanted to lash out, kick and scream and punch until my knuckles bled and the rage inside of me quieted to a whisper. I wanted to hurt everyone around me so they could feel the same pain I did.
“Tell me something, Dylan. If the situation was reversed, would you be able to do that to Scarlett? Would you be able to starve her to death? Dehydrate her? Sit by your wife’s bedside andwatch her die? Would you?” I prompted.
He straightened up and pushed his hands through his dark hair, holding the back of his head. “If anything ever happened to Scarlett, I’d lose my fucking mind.” His eyes met mine, and his hands fell to his side. “But if something happened to me, I know exactly what I’d want her to do. We’ve discussed it, and we both made living wills. Neither of us wants to be kept alive if we’re already gone.”
“But he’s still here,” I whispered. “He’s still alive, Dylan.”
“The parts of Cruz that you loved… the parts that made him who he was… aregone. As far as I’m concerned, my best friend died two years ago.”
I closed my eyes as the words sank in, and my heart grew heavier. Logically, I knew Dylan was right, but I couldn’t bring myself to do what he asked.
“Think about it, okay? You don’t have to do this alone.” His hand landed on my shoulder, giving it a little squeeze. “We’re all here for you.”
I nodded to make him happy and get him off my back. I didn’t want to discuss this anymore. I just wanted to leave and forget we’d ever had the conversation.
“I’ll stop in and see him. Tell him some embarrassing stories about how you had him pussy whipped from day one,” he joked.
“The feeling was mutual.”
“I know. I was there.” He squinted at something in the distance. “You okay with money?”
Dylan asked me the same question every month, and I knew it was his way of looking out for me. But he was already giving me cheap rent on the space for my restaurant, and I didn’t want any more charity from him. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
I didn’t mention that I was thinking about selling the house. It was too big for just one person. But like most things regarding Cruz, I couldn’t let go of it. If I said something to Dylan, he’d probably be calling realtors before I’d even had a chance to think it through.
Cruz and Dylan had started a tech company right out of college, making millions, so money wasn’t an issue. Not right now, anyway. That could change in a few years, but I didn’t want to think about anything beyond today. One day at a time was the most I could handle. “I need to get going.”
Dylan opened his mouth to say more but obviously thought better of it. He nodded and backed away from my car without another word. Which was for the best. He and I had had this conversation before, and it hadn’t ended well. I’d lashed out and said things I later regretted.
We’d made amends, but our friendship still felt precarious, just like all my relationships these days.
* * *
When I got home later that night, my footsteps echoed off the walls of my empty house. It had four bedrooms and five bathrooms, a chef’s kitchen, two living rooms, a dining room, and a swimming pool on half an acre of land.
It had been too big for us, but now it felt like a gaping black hole that would swallow me up.
We bought this house to have extra space for all those kids we planned to have. But it never happened. No matter what we did, I couldn’t get pregnant. So finally, we both went to the doctor. But there was no medical reason why, after years of trying, I still got my period every month like clockwork.
Cruz said he didn’t care. That it didn’t matter if we never had kids. It was the only time I’d ever caught him in a lie. We had a massive argument over it and went to bed angry. I turned my back to him and pretended I was sleeping when he tried to initiate sex.
Even though it was nobody’s fault, I felt like I’d failed him by not giving him the family he wanted.
Now I wished I’d never turned my back on him. Not even for a second.
