Page 117 of When the Stars Rise
She spun around on her seat, and I took a step back as she stood, her chest heaving, eyes shooting daggers.
“Do you honestly believe your own bullshit?” She laughed harshly when her eyes met mine. “Oh my god, you do, don’t you? You’re doing the very thing that killed him.” She stabbed a finger at my chest. “I willnotbury my best friend.” Her eyes lowered to the floor, and she shook her head and took a few steps back, putting distance between us. “I can’t do this anymore. If you leave, don’t come back.”
I closed the distance and hooked two fingers under her chin, lifting her face to mine and finding her eyes. “Hales, you don’t mean that—”
She pulled away and crossed her arms over her chest to ward me off. “Yes, I do. I can’t lose you.” She lifted her chin, her face resolute, and I saw the steely resolve that had gotten her this far in her career. “Go do whatever you think you need to, but don’t expect me to be waiting for you when you return.”
“So you’re afraid of losing me, but you’re pushing me away? Why does this feel familiar?” I snapped my fingers. “Oh, right. You did this before.”
She glared at me. “Since you obviously don’t care about your lifeormy feelings, there’s no point in us being together.”
I shoved my hand through my hair and exhaled loudly as my phone vibrated in my pocket. My ride was waiting outside, and I needed to go, but I didn’t want to leave things like this. “I love you. I have always loved you—”
“If you loved me, you would chooseme,Noah. If youreallyloved me, you would stay here. With me.” She wasn’t backing down, not even a little.
This was the hill she’d chosen to die on.
“And do what exactly?” I threw up my hands. “Would I be allowed to cross the street on my own? Because that’s dangerous, too. Would I be allowed to go surfing? Oh no.” I wrapped my arms around myself and pretended to cower. “The ocean is too scary. I might get attacked by a shark. Would I be allowed to drive a car? Whatexactlywould you have me do?”
She gritted her teeth. “There are a million things you could do that don’t involve risking your life. You could go back to college and get that degree in film. Or you could be a photographer—"
“Great idea. What if I become a wedding photographer, and you give up music and become a kindergarten teacher? We’ll move back to Cypress Springs and lead a nice, safe little life where we don’t take any risks, and someday, when we’re old and gray, we can reminisce about all the exciting things we did whenwe were young. But guess what? We won’t have those memories because we were too busy playing it safe. I don’t want to justexist, Hales. I want to fuckinglive.”
Her eyes welled with tears, and all I wanted to do was wipe them away and tell her everything would be okay. I could be the guy she wanted, and I wouldn’t have to chase highs on the other side of the world.
Except that I couldn’t do that. Maybe we were too selfish or too young or too stubborn. But I didn’t understand any of this. I’d always supported Hayley’s dreams, so why couldn’t she support mine?
I picked up my bags, and I walked out the door.
I didn’t believe it was over. I thought that when the trip ended, and I came home alive and well, Hayley would realize she couldn’t live without me.
Obviously, it didn’t happen that way. She found a way to live without me.
And even now, loving her like I do, Istilldon’t know how to quit.
So yeah, I don’t need anyone to tell me that I’m fucked up. I already know it.
It’s two in the morning, and I’m still high but feeling low and I just want to hear her voice. So I call my two in the morning person, but she doesn’t answer.
Fuck it. I’ll leave a voicemail.
“Hey Hales. It’s me. I’m down in Mexico chillin’ and contemplating life, and I was just thinking… there are almost eight billion people in the world.Eight billion. What are the odds of finding that one person who makes the sun shine brighterand fills the world with color and wonder? One in eight billion. But I found you when we were four years old, and I knew,I just knew,that you were the only girl for me. I never even stopped to contemplate the odds of finding my soulmate at the tender age of four. You were it for me, baby. From day fucking one.”
I lift the bottle of tequila to my lips and drink before forging on.
“And I know what you’re thinking. He’s a liar. He's an asshole. He’s probably calling me drunk and high. Yeah, well, big shit. Did you ever stop to think that maybe it’s because you keep using my heart as a punching bag? You kick me down, toss me aside, leave me battered and bruised and gasping for my next breath. But I’m a fighter, baby. Always have been always will be. McCallisters never say die. So I just keep getting back up, and I get back in the ring, and I keep on fighting.”
I take another fortifying drink of tequila and sway on my feet. Mexican gold. Smooth as honey. I don’t even feel the burn.
“But you… you don’t fight for us. Nope. I’m the only one who ever fights for us because you’re too busy running away. You think I’m running from my problems? Chasing highs because I don’t wanna face shit? Look in the mirror, baby. Pop your pills and pretend you’re fine. You were right though. We’re over. I’m done fighting a losing battle.” I rub my hand over my chest.
“What’s the point of fighting for someone who has never once fought for you? It’s a two-way street, but I’ve hit a dead-end road. Maybe you can write a song about that.” I laugh because this shit is funny. And sad. So fucking sad.
“I’ve been loving you for so fucking long, Hales. But a man’s gotta know when it’s time to let go. Adios, baby, it’s been a hell of a ride.”
I cut the call, finish the bottle, and flop onto my back under a sky full of stars.
We could have had it all. But all I’ve got is a pocket full of stardust and a treasure trove of memories.
