Page 141 of When the Stars Rise
She’s smiling, encouraging me to divulge the truth, and I don’t want to say the words, but she’s on an honesty kick now. And yeah, I get it. That’s how it needs to be, I guess.
“You want the truth? Are you sure you can handle it?”
Her smile slips at my tone but she nods.
I’ve held this in for so long. Every time she wanted me back or needed me, I dropped everything and came running because that’s what you do for the person you love. So I shouldn’t even be angry about it.
It was my choice. No one forced me to do it. I wanted to be there for her. I always went in with my eyes wide open, heart in hand, and ignored the voice in my head that told me it was only a matter of time before she left me again.
“I’m scared that you’re going to run again. I’m scared I’ll do something to upset you and you’ll take off.” I shrug like it’s no big deal. Like it’s not a quiet storm brewing inside me, threatening to break me all over again. “That’s it. My biggest fear.”
I never used to have trust issues but now I do. So make of that what you will.
She nods slowly, bottom lip clamped between her teeth. “Okay. I deserve that. But we’re in a different place now and I have nothing to run from anymore. The only reason I ran was because I was—”
“Too scared of losing me,” I finish. “Yeah, I know. And you say we’re in a different place now but what’s really changed? I still lied to you. I’m still an adrenaline junkie. I’m stillme. Telling you the truth hasn’t changedanything.”
“But you only did those things because you were carrying all this guilt. That’s why you took bigger and bigger risks. Don’tyou see, Noah? You were trying to cheat death. And now you don’t have to do that anymore. Because now we can talk about everything.”
I almost laugh. As if it’s that simple.
As much as I know she would love to believe that’s true, it’s not. Not even close. And she can’t possibly be naïve enough to believe that. “Spilling my guts doesn’t change what happened. And as far as I can see, we’re right back where we started. Let’s say I give it all up to be with you. Then what? Your career would be flourishing, and don’t get me wrong, I’m so proud and happy about that. I want that for you. I love you, Hales. Every little part of you. But I get the feeling you don’t feel the same about me.”
“How can you say that? I love all of you. I love everything about you—”
“And if you left me again after I gave it all up,” I continue. “What would I have? I’d be even worse off than I am now. I wouldn’t have a careeroryou. I’d have nothing.”
“I’m right here, Noah, and I’m not going anywhere. This is it for us. Nothing is going to keep us apart again.”
Maybe I should let it go. Maybe I should believe what she’s telling me but again, we’ve been here before, and it didn’t work out. “As long as I’m not jumping out of planes or off cliffs, right? I still want to do all the things I was doing before, Hayley. Nothing has really changed. And the only way it would is if I become someone different.”
“I don’t want you to change for me. I was wrong to ask you to choose. I want to support your dreams just as much as you support mine and if this is what you need to do then I’m going to be okay with it. I will,” she insists.
I give her a skeptical look. I know what she’s doing because believe me, I’ve been tempted to do the same thing. To the point where I said I’d give it all up. “We want each other so much thatwe’restillwilling to lie to be together. But you and I both know that lying will get us nowhere.”
She averts her gaze and stares at the pink peonies overflowing from the white vase on the coffee table. I picked up the flowers on my way back to her house last week. They’re starting to droop and pink petals are scattered across the blond wood. A reminder that nothing lasts forever.
“Hales. I don’t want to hurt you.”
She nods. “I know.”
“But I won’t survive another breakup. I just won’t. So I can’t… I can’t make you empty promises. As much as I would love to tell you that I’m ready to give it all up, I’m not.”
She lets out a shuddering breath. “I know.” She turns her head toward me. “I want so much to be okay with it. I want to believe that BASE jumping is just a… just a sport like any other sport and that it’s not…” She bites her lip. “How would I ever live without you, Noah? I don’t ever want to be in a world that you’re not in.”
I open my mouth to tell her that I’m not going to die but you never really know, do you? I could walk out of this house and get hit by a car. Or I could miscalculate a jump and crash on the rocks. There are a million ways to die and we’re not in control of any of them.
But I know that what I do increases the risk exponentially. And I wish like hell that I could say it gives me pause but it doesn’t. Because yeah, I’m still fucked up and I’ve been doing this shit for years. You can’t just flip a switch and miraculously the urge to defy the odds disappears. I would love to be able to tell her that today is the day I’ll walk away. But even as I think that I’m imagining myself in Norway standing on the top of that boulder about to take the leap.
“Give me a chance to try,” Hayley pleads. “I’ve faced the truth about my parents and it’s hard and it hurts and I’m sick insidebut I’m still here. It didn’t break me. And maybe I’m stronger than I even know…”
I know she is. I never once questioned that. I was just always trying to make things easier for her. Soften the blows, I guess. But it’s pretty obvious that backfired.
So I open another tab and pull up my BASE jumping videos. “Watch these videos.” I hand her the laptop and stand up. “I’m going for a run. And when I get back, I need you to look me in the eye and tell me if you can support my lifestyle.”
I walk away before she can say more and yeah, I feel like a dick about it. I’m asking her to face her biggest fear andstillchoose me.
But that doesn’t stop me from walking out the door.
