Page 100 of I Dreamt That You Loved Me
Finally, it hit the tar roof with a thud, and I shouldered my way through the door and darted across the roof then stopped in my tracks.
Gabriel was standing on the ledge, casually leaning against the chimney with an upturned face as if he was contemplating life from six stories up.
The toes of his boots were right at the edge. One sudden move, one accidental slip and he’d fall.
“Gabriel,” I said softly, fighting to keep my voice steady and not startle him. “Please come down from that ledge. You don’t want to do this.”
“They told me that I was imagining things. That I brought the headaches on myself. That I was an attention seeker. My father locked me in a psych ward. No one believed me."
“I believed you,” I said, taking a step forward. “I have always believed you. The doctors were wrong in the past, Gabriel. But your new doctors were right. They saved your life.”
“What life?” He spread his arms wide and my heart skipped a beat. “I can’t even leave the house without being recognized. I feel trapped here. The walls are closing in. I don’t even know who the fuck I am.”
I moved a little closer. “Please come down and we can talk about this.”
“You know…when I woke up in that hospital, it wasn’t painful for me. You know why? Because I had no idea that I had any life before that. I didn’t know I had a career or a wife. You were just a stranger to me.”
I swallowed. “I know. And I’m sorry if I upset you…”
“When they gave me a mirror, I didn’t even recognize my own face. Then I come home…” He laughed derisively. “Home. And every day when I wake up, I don’t even want to open my eyes because I know what I’ll see. The hope in your eyes followed by the disappointment that I still don’t recognize you. That I still don’t remember anything about the life we had before. And you play my music non-fucking-stop and there are all these photos of a life I’ve lived but have forgotten and now…nowit’s become painful. Everyone wants me to be the man I was before, the better version, the one you loved. But I’m letting you down. I’m letting everyone down.”
“No, you’re not. You haven’t let anyone down. None of this is your fault, Gabriel. It’s not your fault.” I took another step forward. “You don’t have to look at any more photos or listen to any more stories. I won’t play your music if you don’t want me to. I was trying to help but now I know that it was the wrong thing to do. I put too much pressure on you and I’m so, so sorry. Just please come down. Please give me your hand,” I pleaded.
He looked down at me. “You’re so beautiful. How could I ever have forgotten that face, those lips, those green eyes?”
“It doesn’t matter. None of that matters. All I care about is you.Youare all I care about. Choose yourself, Gabriel. You have so much more life to live, and I know that in time you’ll fall in love with the world all over again. But you don’t have to worry about any of that right now. You don’t have to worry about anything.”
He looked up at the sky and I wiped my sweaty palms on my cotton dress.
I didn’t know if I was getting through to him or saying all the wrong things, but I kept talking. As long as I was keeping him engaged, he would still be here.
“You don’t have to stay here if you don’t want to,” I said. “You can go anywhere you want to go. Anywhere in the world. Cities, beaches, mountains, the desert. There are so many beautiful places in the world. And you can be anyone you want to be. You don’t owe anyone anything, Gabriel. You’re free. You have all this freedom. You have all the time in the world to figure it out and you’ll have all the space you need.”
He was so close to the edge. So close.
With one more step forward, I was close enough now to reach out and grab him, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to make any wrong moves.
A fly circled my head but I didn’t swat it away.
I stood still, so still, with my hands clasped and my gaze so hyperfocused on him that all the edges blurred.
I was trying to anticipate his every move but my heart was pounding in my throat and my limbs felt too heavy.
He wasn’t leaning against the chimney anymore. He was standing straight and tall with his legs spread, hands at his sides and eyes straight ahead like he was preparing to take a swan dive off the ledge of the building.
“I’m sure I loved this place once but it’s too much for me right now,” he said quietly. “It’s not you. None of this is because of you. I just…I need you to know that.”
It sounded like a goodbye and there was no way in hell I would let that happen.
“Okay,” I said, my voice quavering. I took deep breaths through my nose and steadied my voice. “That’s okay. You don’t have to stay here if it’s too much for you.” I lifted my hand, slowly, slowly, and held it out to him. “You don’t even have to stay with me if you don’t want to. You’re free to go, Gabriel. Just please take my hand, okay?”
I don’t even know if he heard me but as the seconds and then minutes passed without him moving a muscle to take my hand, I made my decision.
I forced my feet to move and without giving myself a chance to stop or change my mind, I climbed onto the ledge and I stood right next to him.
My breathing grew shallow. My legs shook.
Don’t look down. Don’t look down.
