Page 52 of I Dreamt That You Loved Me
I only went for unavailable men.
On one side of the pendulum were the academics who were more interested in grappling with abstract theories than developing a deep and meaningful relationship.
On the other side of the pendulum were the commitment-phobic playboys who promised a good time and rarely delivered.
If Annika was codependent and fell in love too easily, I was the polar opposite.
She pointed her beer bottle at me. “You know what every single one of these guys has in common?” she asked, proceeding to answer her own question. “You knew you would never fallmadly, head over heels in love with any of them.That’swhy you’re not with Gabriel right now. He poses a risk?—”
“That’s not fair,” I argued. “I know I messed up but I’m not about to run off with Gabriel and hurt you any more than I already have?—”
“Stop using our friendship as an excuse!” She smacked her palm on the bar for emphasis.
A guy in a trucker hat yelled, “I like your spirit, baby! I’ll bet you’re a tiger between the sheets.”
We both gave him the middle finger and Annika continued talking as if we hadn’t been so rudely interrupted.
“Not all musicians are like your dad, Cleo,” she said softly. “The first man you ever loved basically abandoned you. That would mess anyone up, so I get it. But sooner or later, you need to let your walls down and let someone in.”
There was nothing quite like being psychoanalyzed in a noisy bar when you were drunk. But maybe Annika had a point. And okay, Gabriel had accused me of the same thing. But who could blame me for being scared?
I already knew that Gabriel wasthatguy. The one who would change the trajectory of my entire life. The one who had the power to break my heart and destroy me just like my dad destroyed my mom.
Anyone with a modicum of self-preservation would run in the opposite direction.
“If I can move to Paris on my own, you can go for a guy who might end up being the love of your life,” Annika said. “You and Gabriel would be perfect for each other. You’re passionate about the same things. Music and books and poetry and art. You need to go for it.”
I stared at her, dumbfounded. “Do you even hear what you’re saying? You didn’t speak to me for a month and now you’retrying to push me to be with him?” I grabbed her beer and held it out of reach. “That’s the liquor talking, not you.”
Annika wrestled the bottle out of my hand and slammed it on the bar. “I was mad that you kept it a secret from me,” she said. “And I was annoyed with myself for not figuring it out sooner. I thought you hated him, but you were just trying to keep your distance.”
“I didn’t want to do anything to mess up your relationship.” And look where that got me.
“I know. And I appreciate that,” she said. “But I don’t want to be the one standing between you and a guy who is perfect for you. I just want you to be happy.”
On that note, she lunged forward and tried to wrap her arms around me, or so I assumed, but instead she lost her balance, slid off the barstool and landed in a heap at my feet.
After I helped her up, we laughed hysterically.
“Oh my god, what was that?” she wheezed.
“A swan dive. So graceful,” I said, barely able to get the words out from laughing.
“Don’t drink and dive.”
That elicited another round of uncontrollable laughter.
When we finally pulled ourselves together, I paid the tab and we stumbled out of the bar and weaved our way up the street, arm in arm.
“I don’t want you to end up being a lonely cat lady,” she said, waving her arm at the Mercury Lounge as we passed it. “Gabriel hangs out there. We should see if he’s playing tonight.”
Annika tried to steer me to the front door, but I yanked her back.
Seeing Gabriel right now had disaster written all over it. I couldn’t trust myself not to throw myself at him and start making out in the middle of the street. I did the very same thing last week when I was stone cold sober.
“I’m allergic to cats so there will be no cats involved in my spinsterhood.”
Annika threw her arms around me. “I love you and I’m going to miss you so much.”
