Page 24 of Haunted Mediation
As James continued to guide him through the exercise, he realized his own breath was coming out in ragged gasps. He didn’t have time to worry about that, though. As Leon let out his fifth deep breath, he sagged back against the wall, his head rocking to the side with his eyes still closed.
“Fucking hell,” Leon murmured.
“Yeah, that about sums it up,” James said. He was still practically sitting in Leon’s lap, but if he pulled back, he was worried Leon would tip over.
The seconds ticked by, and James fought to control his own breathing as he scanned over Leon’s face, looking for signs that he was feeling better—or worse. His skin still looked grey, but his fingers began to twitch against James’ legs, as if he was slowly trying to get feeling back in them.
On second thought, that was most likely exactly what he was doing.
“Have you ever fainted before?” James asked, and Leon huffed, rolling his head to the other side, his eyes still squeezed shut. “I’m serious. Have you ever been in a stressful situation and gotten lightheaded or dizzy? Had spotty or tunnel vision?”
Leon cracked an eye open, and the other slowly followed. He seemed to take in how close they were, James' face less than aninch away from his. His fingers flexed with a bit more force, and he gripped the tops of James’ thighs.
“Some…times when I…used to get in fights a lot, I’d lose feeling in my fingers, and…sometimes my hands,” Leon said slowly. “It still happens when I…get angry or want to start a fight. Feels like my fingertips tingle, and it spreads up into my knuckles until I…”
Leon’s words trailed off, and his eyes went to half-mast as he gazed at James’ face.
“Calm down?” James offered.
Leon bobbed his head down, taking a bit longer than usual to lift his head back up.
As James waited to see if Leon would say anything else, he realized he could feel his own heart beating in the base of his throat. He wasn’t sure if it had just started beating that hard, or if it had been going like that the whole time.
“I can’t say for sure what’s causing it,” James said, trying to ignore the trembling that was now starting in his hands. “Whether it’s anger or panic or anxiety, but I think you stopped breathing.”
Leon slowly raised his eyebrow, so slowly that it had to be at least a little on purpose.
James tried to smile at the gesture, but his lips didn’t seem to want to listen. “I don’t know what else to tell you. That’s what happened.”
His mind conjured up the image of Leon standing there, frozen with absolute terror in his eyes. The last of James’ earlier feeling of control and focus slipped out of his grasp. In its place came all the big, messy feelings he’d been having right before they came into this room.
“God, Leon, you…you should have said something. We didn’t have to come in here. I had no idea this would trigger you.”
Leon opened his mouth, but James’ mouth still wasn’t following his directions and kept right on talking.
“I should have known, though. Of course, I should have known. Your dad died when you were a kid, and I’m sure that has lasting effects, but I…I wanted to do this for you,” James said, and somewhere in the back of his head, he wondered if the panic had somehow spread from Leon to him. “I wanted to get through this so you could be there for Hailey, and I didn’t want to get in the way or be a problem,”
Leon’s eyes were wide, making his still ashen cheeks appear almost hollow. “You’re not a problem, James.”
This time, James was the one who closed his eyes. “Maybe not a problem, but…I feel like I’m…superfluous and in the way, tripping over myself and–and a burden. I…I just want to be helpful, and all I’ve managed to do in this haunted house is break down, trip, scream, and drag you into a triggering room.“
“James—“
“And all I’m doing in life is taking up space. I’m just a butt in a seat at work, in the way in my mom’s house, and taking up Yarmen’s space on your couch?—“
“James, what the fuck are you?—“
“And now,” James said, and his breath rattled as he inhaled so he could finally,finally, let this all out. “Now I’m here, in your space, freaking out because all I want to do is be useful for you, and I had one chance to help and provide the support you always,alwaysgive to me, and I’ve completely messed it up, and all I have ever wanted to do isnotmess this up ‘cause you–you mean so much to me, and I can’t–I can’t lose you, Leon. My mom is out there dating again, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing anymore, and I just–I just, I can’t?—“
Suddenly, James couldn’t move his mouth, but it wasn’t because his mouth wasn’t responding to direction. It was because Leon had crashed their mouths together.
Leon. Had crashed. Their mouths together.
Theirmouths.
Everything came to a screeching halt in James’ brain.
For a moment, he felt utterly and completely numb. Then, as if he was turning the dials on a telescope into focus, he began to feel every place their bodies were touching.
