Page 113 of The War of Wings
He shifted a bit beneath me. “They talked in the garden this evening. He was able to apologize, say most of the things he wanted to say.”
“That’s… Wow. I’m glad he had the chance.” A certain turbulence in me settled. It was small, but it was something. The timing of Miles’ talk with Cielle was as perfect as it could’ve been.
Almost too perfect.
That turbulence that settled must’ve cleared out some space, just enough for the monster that was distrust to flex its claws. I opened my mouth and shut it again. I didn’t want to pour whiskey on this wound. But the sharpened tips of the monster’s claws pierced my gut and threatened to dig deeper, demanding all my attention. “You don’t think he would’ve…”
Cal was silent for a beat. “What?”
I spoke cautiously, knowing I shouldn’t even say it. This wasn’t whiskey on the wound. It was whiskey and salt and broken glass. But the timing really was too perfect. “You don’t think he would’ve taken his own life, do you?”
My breaths were shallow as I waited for the denial. For the outrage that I’d even suggest it. For Cal to echo the question back to me. Forsomething. But he didn’t flinch, didn’t gasp, didn’t move a single muscle.
I shot up, Cal’s grip breaking from me as I whirled to face him where he laid, propped up on a stack of pillows. His bloodshot eyes were locked on the ceiling.
“Did Miles kill himself, Cal?” I whispered, the words like hot knives as I spoke them.
A long exhale left his nose. “I don’t know. But… Petra, there’s something I need to tell you,” he murmured, and finally, his eyes flicked to mine. And in them, I didn’t see the grief I’d expected, or the guilt I thought he might be feeling. No, there was an apology floating on the waves of that sapphire and emerald ocean.
My heart stuttered and catapulted into my throat, lodging itself in place and threatening to choke me. Miles had killed himself, hadn’t he? And Cal was going to tell me he could’ve stopped it, even if he couldn’t have. The guilt I thought he felt doubled in my mind, and I readied myself to convince him it wasn’t his fault.
“When you healed Miles in Eserene, he realized something was wrong,” he started, voice low and measured. “He didn’t feel like himself after he left the rubble. And it didn’t take long for him to realize why.”
“I couldn’t just let him die, Cal.” The words rushed out of me, a justification I knew I didn’t need to make, but still felt like I had to. “I didn’t know it was going to–”
But my words were cut short when Cal’s features crumpled, a hand dragging over his face as his eyes fell away from me. “No, Petra. It’s not that. It’s…” Another deep breath, and so much hung on his next words. “When Malosym struck him, part of his power stayed behind.”
I blinked slowly. Cal’s words echoed through me, bouncing off the walls but landing nowhere. “Stayed behind where? In Eserene?”
“In Miles.”
I scrambled off the bed, shooting to my bare feet. “What?What does that mean?”
Cal was silent, his eyes back on me, and there was that look of apology again. “He could feel it inside of him, taking over, but he could tell it wasn’t strong enough to take complete control yet. He wanted to end it then, but he thought he could be of use, because he could feel how near or far Malosym was, and–”
“Excuse me?” I gasped, taking a step backward, and Cal followed, rising from the bed. All the times Miles made comments about timing and strategy… “Oh my fucking Saints,” I breathed, my hands diving into my hair. “This isn’t happening.”
“He made me promise, Petra, that if he went too far, I would put an end to it. And that’s what we went to the shore to do. He wanted to fly one more time, and then I was going to…” His eyes closed, his jaw tight. “I was going to kill him. He asked me to. And I was going to do it. I think he jumped from Gehenna so I didn’t have to. It never went too far,” he continued, “but I assume he wanted to stop it before it did.”
I felt hysterics rising behind my ribcage, squeezing my throat so my words came out as frantic shrieks. Cal was hurting, but I couldn’t control what was happening inside me. “What would’ve been too far? Striking me? Killing me?”
“No, it would never have come to that, it–”
“Is that why the Occulti attacked the ball? Is that why Malosym came last night before you captured him? Is that why the driva attacked us over the Widow’s Sea? Did Miles lead him to me? Was he feeding him information? Holy shit…” I opened my mouth to tell Cal about the moment Miles held me beneath the water, when I’d excused it as nothing but a survival instinct, but the words wouldn’t come. What if…No.
“He doesn’t think it worked that way, and–”
“Never mind all that,” I shouted, waving my arms as the most heartwrenching fact of all hit me square in the face. “I could’ve helped him, Cal! I could’vehealedhim!”
“He didn’t want you to know!” Cal roared back at me, his chest heaving. “When he told me in Redwater, he made me promise to keep it from you. He felt like he was in control. He felt like if you knew, you’d have to make the decision to execute him and you’d never forgive yourself for that.”
I blinked rapidly. Betrayal was a hot brand against my back. Or maybe that was the target I’d unknowingly worn since Eserene. “I’m sorry, did you just say you’ve known this information since Redwater, and I’m justnowfinding out? You told me everything was fine!”
“It was fine! I promised him–”
“And you promisedmeyou’d never lie to me again!” I screamed.
The words reverberated through the room before they withered and died between us. What I’d said wasn’t fair. I knew that. I was a fucking asshole for screaming at him like this, so soon after the entirety of his life just tilted. I’d forgiven him for the lies he told me when he was under Malosym’s thumb. I had no right to bring them up now, butfuck, I was furious.
