Page 42 of My Favorite Secret
“Mom died and where has Felix been? He was a son to her. I know he doesn’t like me, but I thought, given our childhood, he would have at least?—”
“Harper,” Tyler gently hushes. “You’re confused. Felix has been with you non-stop. He’s refused to leave your side.”
“Where was he today when I woke up?”
Dad sits beside me on the bed and places a hand on my shoulder. “Honey, Felix was with me today. He took me to the funeral home and helped me make arrangements for your mother’s service. I couldn’t have done it without him. He was incredible. He wanted to honor your mother and for you to have a good send-off for her.”
“He doesn’t care—” My words cut short when I realize what Dad said. The rage inside me vanishes, replaced with embarrassment.
When I took a bath earlier in the day, Tyler told me Felix hadn’t left my side, but I was too stubborn to believe it.
My face crumples and I’m crying again. “I’m a terrible person.”
Dad wraps me in a hug. “You’re not a terrible person. You’re dealing with a lot right now.”
“Felix will understand,” Tyler adds.
I want to run to Felix and tell him I’m sorry. At the same time, I’m too ashamed. I’m a sobbing mess. “I need to go to bed and sleep this whole thing off.”
I spend the next few hours tossing and turning, hoping for sleep but unable to get Mom off my mind, along with Felix and how poorly I spoke to him on the roof.
Tyler fell asleep beside me long ago. I know he would wake up to keep me company if I asked. But it’s Felix I need right now. In what way, I don’t know. I need to look into his eyes and see if everything Dad and Tyler spoke about him is true. If he really does care.
Being quiet, I slip out from bed and make my way two doors down the hall, careful to not be caught by my father. After knocking and being met with no answer, I sneakinside the dark room, finding the balcony doors wide open and the curtains flowing in the wind. Moonlight streams in, casting soft light upon Felix as he sleeps.
His blond hair is a mess. I like it, seeing him so at peace and vulnerable like this. I step up to the bed and trace my eyes along his body. The sheets only cover his lower half, and barely. Though I can’t see much, I can tell he’s sleeping naked. Through the dim moonlight, I see the outline of tattoos on his arms. I want a closer look to discover all the ink covering his body and what the artwork symbolizes. Everything about Felix fascinates me. He’s frightening yet beautiful.
On the bedside table, I’m surprised to find my very first pair of pointe shoes. The ones I threw off the roof earlier this evening.
Felix collected the shoes, knowing what they symbolized to me.
A soft smile finds my lips, realizing everything Dad and Tyler said about Felix is true. He’s changed over the years, but the Felix I love is still inside him. Hedoescare.
I should let him rest and return to my own bed. Instead, I crawl beneath the covers, being careful not to wake him.
He stirs, his heavy eyelids opening slightly. When he registers I’m here with him, he pulls me into his arms, hugging me tight and tucking my head beneath his chin.
This moment is what I’ve needed for so many years, more so now with the loss of my mother. There’s so much pain in me, yet being in his arms feels like I’m finally home.
I shudder with a silent cry. He holds me closer, kissing my forehead. “It’s okay. Let it all out. Cry. Be angry. Whatever you need.”
“Tyler told me everything. I’m sorry. I didn’t knowyou’d been with me the whole time. I didn’t know you helped my dad plan the funeral.”
“You don’t need to apologize. I never let you out of my arms.”
“Why? You’ve spent years hating me.”
“You know why.” He kisses my palm, then locks our fingers together, aligning our scars. “This, right here.You belong to me for life.”
And just like that, no more clarification is needed. I’ve always felt like my scars with Felix and Tyler have the most intimate meaning behind them, regardless of how young we were when we made them. They were a promise written in blood, that we would always belong to each other, no matter what. I know they both feel it too.
“I spent years being angry with you,” Felix says. “But I never hated you. Not even close. I could never hate you. You’re so goddamn precious to me, Harper.”
I cry harder, pressing myself closer to Felix. I need to be as close to him as possible. And yet, there’s a feeling inside me like I can’t get him close enough. Like he’s about to vanish.
My leg hikes around Felix’s waist. His hand slides up beneath my nightdress, grabbing my ass and pulling me closer. He’s hard between my legs and I’m even more certain now that he’s naked. Yet, nothing about this moment feels inappropriate.
“I’ve missed you so much,” I whisper. “I miss her so much. The worst part is I spent her last days being angry with her. She died not knowing how much I loved her.”
