Page 50 of Nerdelicious
And with that realization follows reality. I can’t have this. This isn’t for me. He isn’t for me. The thoughts must be scrolling across my face. The delight of the past hour dies a slow death inside my heart, and Beast’s smile follows suit on its heels.
He tilts his head, a question in his eyes that needs no vocalization.
I slide off him in one smooth motion and kneel on the towel beside him. I lean my head back, focusing on the sky above. The blanket of stars is no longer soothing, but smothering.
“We shouldn’t have done that.”
He sits up on an elbow, watching me.
“I’m leaving. Soon. You’re...” I swallow. “With Caroline.”
He jerks up straighter, a hand on my arm, a rough shake of his head.
“I know, you aren’t, like,togetherwith her, yet. But you want to be.”
Maybe Caroline is a weak excuse, but the full truth is harder to admit, even to myself. I’m scared. Terrified of this thing blooming between us, the strength of it. I can’t fall for him only to have it all end. Better to end before it begins, before my heart is completely annihilated.
He stills. Pulls his hand away. Bends his knees, resting his elbows on them, his hands tugging through his hair. He blows out a breath and shifts his attention toward the lake, giving me his profile.
“And even if Caroline wasn’t in the picture, I can’t be. I’m not letting go of my goals and aspirations, as lame as they may be. It’s something I need to do for myself. I gave up everything for someone else once upon a time.” And there was no happy fairy-tale ending. “I’m sorry.” The words are reflexive.
I’m not sorry. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I would do it all night long. But that’s not fair to anyone, and I’m leaving and he doesn’t like me that way. Well, he wasn’t complaining, so maybe it’s possible hecouldlike me that way, but I’m leaving. Caroline is not. Caroline lives here. Caroline Caroline Caroline. Even if we both wanted to continue whatever this is, it’s not a good idea.
He belongs with Jude and Grace, and all the others. They are his self-made family and I’m a temporary blip.
He’s still staring out over the water and the silence is pushing me into a mess of rambling nerves. “It was a bad idea. You have Caroline and Blue Falls and I have... New York. And we’re friends, right? We shouldn’t have let it get out of control and now you probably feel guilty and I’m an idiot and—”
He puts a hand out and rests it on my forearm. A quick touch before pulling back.
I can’t read his eyes.
He stands and sticks out his hand. I take it. He tugs me to my feet and then gathers our towels and the lantern. I watch him in stupefied silence. He doesn’t try to communicate. He slips the phone in his pocket. Without another glance, he heads across the beach, back toward the path.
After a few seconds, I follow.
I walk behind him on the narrow footpath. It’s as silent as a tomb. More silent. The trees are more forthcoming with their feelings at this point.
Before we get too close to the tents, I stop him, reaching out and grabbing his hand to force him to a halt.
He turns partway toward me. It’s even darker here under the trees, his face a mask of grey slate.
“We’re still friends, right?” I keep my voice low.
He pauses for a long time, not moving.
My hand is still grasping his lax fingers. “I don’t have many friends.”
The words finally garner a reaction. His hand moves, a hint of a clasp, and then he releases me and nods.
That’s something. I should be relieved, but the sensation isn’t presenting itself. Now it doesn’t matter what he says, I’ve made it weird.
We can’t be friends. We orgasmed together. Friends don’t do that. How do I fix this? My stomach ties itself into knots. My brain goes into panic mode and lands on what feels like the most reasonable next thing to say.
“Do you still want me to help you with Caroline, or is that too weird now?”
His face is inscrutable. Heavy shoulders shrug once.
See? I knew it. I made it weird. I make everything weird. I’m the worst.
