Page 115 of Free Heart
Christmas is herewith twinkling lights, wrapped gifts, loads of sweets, and another foot of snow.
Because Peggy Jo’s back yard is the only place big enough to fit everyone, we’ve cleared around the patio and set up another raging bonfire. And by “we,” I mean Sejin, Buck, Peggy Jo, Martin, and Rye. Even little Jeremiah tries to move the snow with a toy shovel. I do what I can, but my leg’s aching like a bitch, and Sejin makes me sit inside with it elevated, feeling the skin over the bone for fever from time to time. It’s fine, but he’s fretting.
Lowell’s still missing in action, dodging evenmyphone calls this week. It’s making me worry in a way I don’t appreciate. Sailor swears he’s fine. She would know since she’s the only one he’ll take a call from. I’m not sure wheresheis tonight either. Wherever it is, I hope she’s not alone. Maybe she and Lowell are being miserable sons of bitches together.
I watch through the windows as Rye and Martin get the bonfire going, and Sejin and Leenie prepare the big picnic table with all the goodies that she, Peggy Jo, and Buck have prepared.
“Didn’t realize you were such a big cook, Buck,” I say, when he takes a load off next to me and passes over a foaming can of beer. Cold and bitter. Just the way I like it.
“I wasn’t before Lisa died, but after she was gone and Sejin left, I had to fend for myself. Got into it enough to start making some dang tasty meals. Unfortunately, that meant I had to see my dad-blame family once or twice a week to get rid of all theleftovers. It’s hard to cook good meals for one.” His eyes cast toward Peggy Jo where she’s helping Jeremiah pet Muggs. The other cats are in the back bedroom hiding for all they’re worth.
“You cook?” Buck asks me.
“I make some mean nachos out of canned beans and shredded cheese.”
Buck chuckles. “Sejin’s got his mama’s knack for making easy but tasty things, so you’re lucky on that front.”
I nod. “He’s kept me well-fed while I recover.”
Buck’s gaze leaves Peggy Jo and locks on to me. His eyes are a cloudy gray like the mists over Yosemite on a rainy day. I can’t call them sad, but they aren’t full of Sejin’s sparkling joy either. “Son, I’m not going to tell you anything you don’t already know, but I want you to understand that I love my boy.”
I feel my heart speed up. Here it is. The shovel talk. I knew it had to be coming. I’ve always heard about them, and I’d seen a few in movies, but I’ve never been the recipient of one. I lean forward, ready.
“I love him, and he’s the most valuable thing to me in this life. I may not always show it in the best ways, but if anything tore him apart the way I was torn apart after Lisa died, I’d be downright angry as hell about it.”
I nod, wanting him to know I’m listening.
“Let’s put it like this: if you fall again, and you somehow manage not to die, that might be another miracle for you. But there won’t be another recovery. Break my son’s heart that way again, and it’s done. You got me?”
Wow. A real honest-to-God shovel talk. I’m a little giddy with excitement. I should feel scared, right? Angry or threatened? But I don’t. I just feel really fucking glad that Buck loves Sejin enough to make a threat I know damn well he’s not capable of carrying out. He’s blowing smoke, and I’m glad to breathe it in.
Imagine having a father that loved you like that?
“I understand, sir. I’ll make sure if I fall again, I die good and solid. Or, well, good and splattered. But I promise, whatever happens, I won’t put him through something like this again.”
I will, though. We both know it. We’re telling lies to reassure each other that Sejin is our priority.
Buck nods, lifts his beer. “To you not dying then.”
“I’ll drink to that.” The beer is still foamy, and it gushes down my throat too fast, spilling out the sides of my mouth.
“I’m going to be a climber like Dan when I grow up, Uncle Buck,” Jeremiah’s voice pops up from the side of the sofa. He crawls up into Buck’s lap. “Mama says I can’t, but I say I can.”
Buck cuddles the kid close and kisses the top of his head. “Whatever you do, I know you’ll be great at it.”
“That’s what I told her!” he says, sliding down from Buck’s lap again and rushing over to me. He tackles me with a hug, and I hold back the grunt that almost escapes. I let him climb up onto the couch next to me, slide in beneath my arm, and rest his head against my chest.
“I can hear your heart, Dan,” he says. “Did you know if you put your head on a person’s chest, you can hear it? It thumps and thumps.” He rubs his head against my side and then sighs contentedly. “I like it.”
The sound of Sarah Kate’s angry screech from outside makes me jump out of my skin, but Jeremiah wraps his arms around me and gives me a little hushing sound. “Don’t worry. She’s just mad Daddy won’t let her by the fire. She’s tired. She’ll go to sleep soon.”
Buck smiles at me. “You’re good with kids.”
“They like me, unlike cats.”
“These three cats seem to enjoy you quite a lot,” Buck corrects as he slides a hand over Muggs’s back. The cat has come over to see what Jeremiah is doing with me on the sofa, and he looks a little jealous if I do say so myself.
“These cats are different. Others…” I shake my head. “Nope. Kids like me, though.”
