Page 128 of Free Heart
“I’ll record,” Sailor says, and the bravado is gone from her voice. She sounds worn thin, and I wonder again about how fragile she is inside.
Dan limps to me and puts his arm around my shoulder. We walk together to the boulder, and I squint up at the top. The sun is in my eyes as Dan squeezes me from the side. “Don’t look down,” he advises. “Keep your eyes on the holds. You’ve got this.”
I give him a shaky smile and approach the boulder. It’s rough and cold beneath my hands. I rub my palms over it, thinking about the glacier that cut it out from the surrounding earth. “Alright,” I whisper to myself. “It’s this or being a shower curtain or a tablecloth or a throw pillow or something.”
Rye, standing by with the rope in hand ready to offset any fall with his weight, frowns. “A throw pillow?”
“Never mind.” I kick at the mats below my feet. “Alright. Going up.”
The climb is hard, especially since I haven’t even practiced on the bouldering wall in the garage, and I haven’t done any small night climbs since Dan was injured. But I pull and smear and grip. My pulse is pounding, but I hear vague encouragement from below as I haul myself up the rock face. It’s almost as if the boulderletsme climb it. Rather than finding the rock uncaring, it’s like it’s rooting for me. Like itwantsme to make it to the top, to sit on the flat top, and breathe rarified air, assured of its strength below me.
I laugh under my breath. I’m delirious.
My arms burn, and my knee scrapes the rough surface, tearing into my jeans, but I keep on.
“That’s it!” I hear Dan shout. “You’re doing great. You’re almost there.”
I struggle with a hold and almost slip, but I manage to get my toe in and keep myself from going down. I feel Rye working the rope down below.
I make a push again, and sure enough, I can see the top. Rye had said this wasn’t a beginner’s course, but maybe it’s not such a difficult one either. I haul myself over the snowy ledge, breathing heavily as the winter sun beats down. I sit up, dust the snow and chalk from my fingers, and look out over the side. Promptly my world goes topsy-turvy.
“Oh, no,” I mutter, throwing myself back against the rocky top. My stomach whirls and I worry that the little breakfast I ate earlier is going to rise back up. I lift my head warily and breathe through my nose. Thewhooshof vertigo hits me again and I fall back, the world washing around me.
“Okay, Doc?” Dan shouts up.
“No!” I call back.
“What’s wrong?”
“Gonna throw up. Dizzy.”
“I’m coming,” Dan says. “Wait there.”
“No, don’t. You’re supposed to rest,” I get out faintly, but I don’t think he hears me. Truth be told, I want him up here with me. I don’t know how else I’m going to get back down. He’s the only one I trust when I feel this scared.
I hear the sounds of preparation below, and then a few minutes later, really a quite short time, proving what an unchallenging route Rye’d assigned me, Dan crawls over the ledge, all hooked in to ropes like he should be.
“So, maybe this climbing thing isn’t for you,” Dan says, lying down by me and taking hold of my hand. We stare up at the blue sky together, watching the fluffy clouds pass overhead. Winter is here, but the sky is still cheerful.
“No,” I whisper. “I don’t think it is.”
“Guess you’ll have to be drapes, then,” Dan says sadly. “Or a rug. Good thing I have a total hard-on for housewares. Linens. Pillows. Towels.”
“Fuck you,” I get out, but I’m laughing too.
He kisses my hand. “You’ll never be any of those things, Doc. You want to know why?”
“Yeah.” The world has stopped spinning now that I’m looking up at the sky and holding his hand. I’m still scared to sit up, though.
“You’re my idea of heaven. I don’t evenwantthere to be an afterlife if it’s not with you.”
I kiss his hand this time, heart fluttering. “One day, you’ll think I’m upholstery. Sailor says so.”
“Sailor knows nothing about relationships, as you just witnessed,” Dan says. “But I apparently know a hell of a lot about them because you’re marrying me, aren’t you?”
“I am.”
“You’re always going to be the reason I want to live, the reason I want to climb. You’re justthereason. Period. Drapes are never a reason.” Dan sits up, covers my eyes, and says, “We’ve got to get you down now, Doc. It’s going to take some doing, but you trust me, right?”
