Page 130 of Free Heart
I come back to my question about the Dawn Wall. “Are you still planning to do it?”
“No,” he says quietly, uncoiling the rope and checking it over.
“Because Rye isn’t helping you?”
“I won’t lie and say that has nothing to do with it, but it’s more that I don’t think it’s a healthy goal for me.”
“It’s grueling and nigh on impossible, but what’s wrong with that?”
“For me? A lot.”
“Why’d you want to do it anyway?”
“It was the most impossible thing I could think of. I thought maybe if I decided to do it and really focused, I’d be able to shut my asshole brain up.” He taps his temple. “At least for as long as it took me to accomplish it, and given the difficulty, that would have taken the rest of my life.”
“What’s the plan to shut your asshole brain up now, then?”
He laughs, a rare sound from him always, but especially lately. “EMDR. Ever heard of it?”
“Medication?”
“No, it’s a kind of therapy. It has a pretty decent success rate with adult-onset PTSD. I’m willing to try.”
“Good,” I say. “Because you’ve gotta try something.”
“Honest as always,” Lowell says. “Ah, here they come.”
Sailor has her hair in a ponytail, and her beautiful boobs are on display in her tight merino wool shirt. They look the best they’ve looked in ages, or maybe I’m noticing them again because she’s got that special glow she always gets when Lowell’s around. She skips to him and throws herself into his arms. They hug, and Sejin gives me a weird look.
I shrug. I really have no idea. They’re just like this together.
Sejin’s looking gorgeous too. His hair is growing out, and he’s got a pretty decent-sized topknot on his head now. I only have like six years to go, probably, before I can use his hair for reins again. I’m willing to wait.
“Hey,” he says, kissing me hello. “Feeling nervous?”
“Nope.” I can feel the grin slashing my lower face.
“Excited.”
“Very.”
“Let’s stop wasting time,” Sailor calls, her usual anxiety no doubt cutting short her own enjoyment of being with Lowell. “We’ve got to get going before the sun gets much higher and the rock gets hot.”
I don’t argue with her, though I know this rock like the back of my hand. Or I did. It might not be Heart Route, but it’s a route I used to climb regularly and had for years.
Lowell is acting as my belayer so that Sailor can shoot film, and Sejin can stand around being worried. I’ve got a GoPro on my head, and I’m going to film my first time on an actual wall again from my own point of view.
“This is it,” Sailor says when I’m all roped in and ready.
My climbing shoes pinch, but it feels good. Familiar.
“Any words for the subscribers?”
“No.”
Sailor laughs and I turn to the wall, pressing my cheek to it. I close my eyes, smelling the minerals and rock, and I feel like laughing. Instead, I go up.
It starts out effortlessly. I climb faster than I think anyone anticipated, clearing the first two pitches in a heartbeat. And that’s it. That’s all I’m allowed for today. Next weekend, though, I’m going up with Rye and it’s full-on. We’re doing as much as my leg can handle.
