Page 137 of Free Heart
1946 – 2018
Beloved Husband & Father
“I wonder who chose his stone,” Sejin whispers.
“Henry said he picked it himself. He was sick a long time before he died. He knew it was coming.”
“That was quite an age gap. Twelve years.”
I remain silent, wishing my grandfather’s grave wasn’t there too. I don’t want to address my mother with his bones right there so close to hers. But we don’t always get what we want.
Turning to my mother’s stone, I say, “I’m your son, the one you gave away.” I pause to clear my throat. “Thanks for that. Maybe I didn’t have a good childhood anyway, but you did yourbest by me. I guess that means you loved me, right? It’s taken me too long to figure that out. I’m sorry about that.”
I gaze at the gravestone. She was so young. Just a kid. She did what she thought she had to do, or what she was forced to do, but I know in my heart that it wasn’t because I was fundamentally unlovable. Even though I believed that for a very long time.
“This is Sejin,” I say, taking his hand and pulling him in front of the grave too. “I’m marrying him next month.”
“Hi,” Sejin says with a little wave, as if my mom’s right there sitting on her gravestone and can see us.
“I’m not sure how you felt about gay people, but it doesn’t matter now. If there is life after death, I figure you’re cool with it, even if you weren’t when you were alive. If there isn’t life after death, then I’m an idiot for standing here talking to a grave, but whatever.”
“You’re not an idiot,” Sejin whispers.
“I didn’t know you were here, by the way. No one ever told me. I also didn’t ask. I was focused on myself for a long time. Until I met Sejin. Now I’m focused on myself and him. And his family. They’re pretty great. I wish you’d been able to experience having a great family. Better luck next time, if reincarnation is a real thing.”
“Danny,” Sejin says, and he’s got a little laughter mixed into his tone. “Is this what you really wanted to say? Better luck next time?”
I snort, and at that moment a breeze kicks up. It’s sharp and cold, and it makes my eyes sting. “I’m sorry you’re buried beside him. You deserved better. We both did.”
The wind tousles my hair as if agreeing with me.
“I don’t know why,” I murmur, “but I also need you to know that I love you. I barely remember you, but that doesn’t matter. You were my mom. I loved you. I still do. I hope you’re resting easy. I hope you’re at peace.”
The wind moves over us again, and Sejin shivers. I stare at the grave a few more moments. I consider taking a picture, but decide against it. I don’t want this moment to last. I just needed it to happen.
“Let’s go,” I say, releasing Sejin’s hand and turning back toward the car.
As I walk through the crunchy snow, I hear him say, “I’ll take care of him for you. I promise.”
CHAPTER SIXTY
Dan
The dream comeswhen I’m least expecting it.
I’m in the zone, flowing up Golden Gate with the sweet breeze on my skin, the top just visible ahead, and suddenly I’m pumped out. Time slows down. My fingers feel tight and swollen, and I scream.
Sejin holds me in the dark until I come fully awake.
I assess my surroundings. I’m in Peggy Jo’s bedroom. The sheets are clean. The window is open letting in a cold, early spring breeze, and Muggs is yowling from the living room in an echo of my distress.
“Okay now?” Sejin asks.
“Yes,” I croak out.
“What was it about?”
I shake my head because he doesn’t want to know—not really. It won’t do him or me any good to relive it, and it’s not real anyway. I’m here. Sejin’s here. Peggy Jo’s in West Virginia. The cats are here. The stars are here. The whole wide world is here, and I’m in it.
