Page 46 of Free Heart
“Iknow.”
We stand there—or she stands, and I hunch—while she works at my hair and tries to get it loose. Shortly, she leaves and returns with some butter. She tries to grease the hair in the lock, but it still doesn’t release.
“It’s useless. I’m going to die bent over here at this rate.”
“I have an idea,” Celli says, eventually, though she sounds really sad about it. She steps away and when she comes back, she’s holding a big pair of kitchen scissors down where I can see them. They gleam in her grip.
“Sejin?” she asks, putting her hand on my shoulder. “Do you want me to cut you free? Or what should I do? I can go get Pete. Maybe he has some other kind of oil we can rub on it, or on the lock, or—”
“No,” I say, putting out my hand. My scalp burns from all the jerking. “Give them to me.” She does, and I tell her to go help Pete in the café. “I’ll do it myself. I just need a minute.”
“Are you sure?” she asks, sounding likeshemight cry.
“Yeah.”
Once I hear the door open and close again, blocking out the sea of voices and clanking of cups and dishware, I put one hand flat on the locker and push desperately. I try one last time towrench my hair free, but the pain is too much. I work the lock again. It won’t let loose.
What choice do I have?
Look, Ma, here’s a problem I can actually solve.
Lifting the scissors, I close my eyes and take a big breath. Fresh tears slide down my face and drop to the floor next to my feet. I’m so tired of crying. It’s all I seem to do lately. It takes some effort to cut through and I saw at it for a long time until I finally free myself.
Sucking in desperate breaths of freedom, I shake out the shaggy black hair dangling in front of my face.
Now that I’m upright again, I use my full body weight on the lock. It takes effort to work the severed hank of hair out. But, finally, I free it. Clinging to the hunk of hair, I jerk open the locker door and stare at myself in the mirror hanging inside.
I feel dizzy with sadness.
I’ve always loved my hair. I think it’s beautiful. So does Dan.
But it’s always been a lot to handle. It gets everywhere. It comes off in the shower, jams up the vacuum cleaner, and it’s so fucking thick it takes forever to dry. It’s time consuming and impossible. It’s in my wayall the time. It gets in my face. And I can’t deal with it lately. Not anymore.
I take up another thick coil, and my hand trembles as I cut it off too.
Then another.
And another.
When I’m done, my gorgeous long black hair is piled around my shoes. I stare down at it, and then back into the mirror. I’m unsure of the man I see there.
All I know is he looks nothing like me.
*
Dan
I’ve never beenso bored in all my life.
Rye and Lowell have both come and gone hours ago, leaving me in my bed with a piss bottle if I desperately need to go, and nothing to do with my time.
Since they left, I’ve masturbated until I can’t see straight, I’ve read over every journal I’ve ever written, reviewed every climb I’ve ever made, and caught up on all the spraying from the climbing community.
In recent days, I’ve been left here alone so often that I’ve even made friends with the cats. They think I’m their very own personal heater and sleep on me whenever they can. I never thought I’d be covered in cats and not hate it. But it turns out maybe they’re kind of sweet.
The days when I have to go to Fresno for tests or to the dentist to get my teeth taken care of are horrific. Getting out and about is agonizing. But those are still better days than this. Turns out I’ll take pain over boredom anytime.
So here I am, laid out on the bed, gazing at the view of the foggy lawn out the window and nearly suffocated by Romeo’s butt, when Sejin comes home. My heart starts to thrum, and I feel a smile come over my face.He’s here. He’s finally here.As he comes through the bedroom door, my breath is knocked out of my lungs by the sight of him.
