Page 49 of Free Heart
“She never gave up on you.”
“No. Anyway, I climbed to escape my mind—” I pause, thinking again of the grim roll call of the foster homes I’d been through, the people who tried to love me but couldn’t for one reason or another, and the dead feeling I had inside when I was with them. “To escape those memories. To forget about it all.”
“Dan…”
“Right now, I feel trapped again. In my body. In this house. Down on the ground.” My throat aches and my chest feels tight. “I can’t escape, and I can’t escape the memories either. They’re nothing specific. Not usually. It’s a numbness that consumes me. Dissociative, maybe. I don’t know. It’s like I’m not even in my body, but I’mentirelyin my body and can’t be anywhere else. I know it’s hard to understand. I don’t understand it myself. But my frustration lately is about a lot more than not being patient enough about getting better. It’s more than depression. It’s likemy entire horrible childhood is racing in all around me, and this time I can’t climb my way out of it.”
“Dan, I didn’t know.”
“I didn’t want to burden you even more. There’s nothing you can do about it.”
Sejin shakes his head. “I want to be here for you. I don’t want you to shut me out.”
“But you said it yourself. You love Dan the climber, the free soloist. The man who scales walls and leaves all this behind on the ground. Not this depressed, miserable jerk who can’t shake his childhood demons.”
Sejin is quiet for a long moment before taking hold of my chin to make me look at his face. “When I said earlier that I loved the free soloist, I didn’t mean that I don’t love this human being right here, right now. The one I’m touching. The one I can hold in my arms. I love all of you, Danny, even this you, but you’re so unhappy. I miss your happiness.”
“I was happy?”
“Yeah. You were happy.”
I think about my life before meeting Sejin. I wouldn’t have called it happy, but it wasn’t grim like my childhood or miserable like the present. I’d been focused, determined, egotistical, arrogant, and ready to throw it all away to escape that awful dullness inside.
Then I think of my life after Sejin, but before the accident. Waking up every morning knowing I’d get to see his smile, any version of it. Eagerly waiting to hear the sound of his laughter. Thrilling inside whenever I did. How I’d felt like I could fly even when I wasn’t on the wall. How I’d feel so warm and gooey inside whenever I thought of him. If that’s happiness, then I’d been happy. What’s changed? Just my stupid leg. And some temporary circumstances.
Maybe I’m humbler now. A little. Not a lot.
But I still get to wake up and see Sejin’s smile—rare though it’s been lately—and I’m damn lucky to have that. I still get to hear his laughter, seldom as it comes right now. And he still lights me up inside simply by existing. I might want to escape this thick miasma of darkness that seems to surround me, but I don’t want to escapehim.
I’m the one sucking the light out of the room these days. I’m the one sucking the joy from his smiles. I need to do better. I need to fight this darkness. I need to find a way to get “off the ground” while I’m in this house.
I need to make him joyful again. I need to get his smiles back.
“What would make you happy?” I ask, desperately.
“Ifyouwere happy,” he answers.
“What else?” I can’t make myself happy without a goal, without a focus. That’s the whole problem, isn’t it?
“If we could pay our bills, I wouldn’t be so scared,” he says on a heavy sigh. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve argued the hospital as low as they’ll go, I think. I’ve put the dental work on the credit card my dad gave me for emergencies. I’ve used the money from your trust fund. I’ve used the other money my dad sent on groceries and gas—”
“What money your dad sent?” I don’t know about this.
Sejin doesn’t answer me. “I think you might have to declare bankruptcy, which means they’ll confiscate your van. God, I don’t know how we’ll pay for a place to live when Peggy Jo comes home. I guess I can move back in with Martin and Leenie, and you can stay here with Peggy Jo, and—”
“We’re not living apart,” I say firmly. “We’ll rent a place or live in the van.”
“Dan, you can’t live in a van with your leg the way it is, and you definitely can’t live in it if they take it away from you.”
“They won’t repo the van. I’m not going to declare bankruptcy. I’ll figure a way to fix this. And, like we both keepsaying, my leg will heal, and by the time Peggy Jo gets back, my leg will be even better. You heard the doctor at the last checkup. A callous is already forming over the break. That’s a good sign.”
“Yes.”
But Sejin sounds unsure. He kisses my neck and cheek, heaves himself up, and I get a good look again at his new hair. It’s not bad. The way it touches his cheekbones is attractive. I’ll miss the long hair I’ve used as reins during sex, but if Sejin wants to keep it like this, I won’t be opposed.
“I like it,” I say, reaching out to him again.
He takes hold of my hand. “You do?”
