Page 70 of Free Heart
“Remind me. Why exactly did Lowell decide to invite her tonight?”
“She asked.”
“Sheasked?”
“Yeah. She came over a few nights ago and was hanging all over Lowell like he’s her own personal Christmas tree and she’sthe fucking angel on top, and then, without any shame at all, she asked if she could spend Thanksgiving with us. Lowell said we were spending it with you guys, and she told him to ask if she could come along as well. And he did.”
“Andhe did,” I repeat, cutting into the pecan pie.
I’d said yes to his request, of course, because at the time I hadn’t imagined the tagalong would be someone like Sailor Evans. I’d never even imagined someone like her existed at all.
“Are we being biphobic?” Rye asks, as I take a second knife and begin dissecting the pumpkin one too.
“She’s a lesbian.”
“No, I mean about Dan and Lowell.”
“Oh.” I consider. Am I feeling more jealous now than if another guy were up in Dan’s business, flirting with him, smiling at him, and suggesting they work together like Sailor is doing? I’ve never had a guy come on to Dan in front of me before, but thinking about it, I wouldn’t like that at all either.
Not that she’s coming on to Dan. She’s alesbian.She’s just being intensely friendly. Because she wants something from him even if it’s not his dick.
“Maybe,” I concede. “If she doesn’t want to bang them, why does she act like she does?”
We both turn and gaze out the windows to where we can see the three of them outlined in the light of the roaring bonfire. She’s laughing. They’re leaning in toward her. She’s holding fucking court in Peggy Jo’s back yard.
“Lowell swears she’s a lesbian through and through.”
I peek out the window again. “She’s really pretty.”
“She is.”
Sailor flips her long blonde hair from one shoulder to the other. I sigh enviously. “I miss my hair. I had prettier hair.”
“We’re being ridiculous,” Rye says. “Oryouare.”
“Iam?”
“Dan’s crazy about you and clearly prefers men overall. But Lowell… He’s always been with women. He was married to a woman, and happily, until Nina left him. I’m just an experiment that’s stuck around.”
“He said that?” I gasp, suddenly hot with anger at Lowell.
“Of course not. That’s me being a dick to myself.” Rye shrugs. “That’s exactly it: I’m being gross and awful, and I should stop. But I keep thinking, even if she’s a lesbian, maybe he’s into her anyway. What if being attracted to her makes him want to go back to women in general?” He rubs a hand over his eyes. “Christ, I’m spiraling in a way I haven’t in a long time. This is jamming all my gender dysphoria buttons. And you know the worst of it?”
“What?”
“It’s not her fault.”
He’s right. Sailor’s done absolutely nothing wrong. She’s alone in town and asked a friend to help her not be lonely on the holidays. She’s trying to help Dan—myDan—who desperately needs help. She’s showing interest in me, asking after my passions and loves, and I’ve been so caught up in reacting to the gleam of attraction I see in Dan’s eye when he looks at her that I’ve been maligning her unfairly.
“We’re dicks,” I say to Rye.
“We are.” He turns back to the pies, putting a piece of pecan on his plate. “C’mon. Let’s go try again.”
“Yeah.” I add a slice of pumpkin to mine. “Let’s go do better.”
We head back outside where Dan is saying, “Sejin and I were going to take off in the van after I sent Heart Route.” He waves at his leg. “But shit happened, so we’re stuck.” He reaches for me, and I go to stand next to him, balancing my plate. Putting his arm around my waist, he presses his cheek into my hip in an awkward hug. “But being stuck together is fine by us. Right, Doc?”
I nod, my mouth full of pie, and he smiles up at me. He looks excited. There’s a shift in the air. Something new is coming, something I haven’t foreseen. That’s scary, but not necessarily bad.
