Page 78 of Free Heart
I turn to him. “In what way?”
“She has the gene for Huntington’s.”
Sailor’s bright smile, urgent energy, and brashness whip through my mind. “Oh, God. That’s awful.” Guilt settles like a stone in my gut. “That’s why she’s like that?”
“Yeah. She’s got no time to waste.”
Instantly, everything about Sailor’s attitude, life, and choices looks different to me. The lens I’ve been seeing her through has been the wrong color this whole time. She’s not abrasive—she’s in a hurry. She’s not flirty; she doesn’t want to waste time on being reserved. She’s not aggressive; she’s taking life by the horns while she can. She’s not shameless; she’s just got no time for shame.
I also see now what draws her to Dan, and vice versa.
They’re both all too aware of life’s heartless indifference, and they both climb—rocks or mountains—to fight a personal battle against an immovable force. They embody human determination, daring the world to deny them victory. It’s just that Sailor’s climbing all the time, even when she isn’t on a mountain.
Meanwhile, Dan’s learning how to live with me down here on the ground.
He’s learning how to justlive.
CHAPTER FORTY
Sejin
Ihaven’t expectedto learn anything new about Dan from his social media posts. Maybe because I never imagined him doing much more than posting some dry commentary about his work, fielding climber-groupies’ thirsty comments, and finding out that social media isn’t for him.
But, tonight, I’m sitting on our bed listening to Dan hop around one-legged in the bathroom, praying he doesn’t mess up and fall, while I watch his latest video and discover how wrong I’ve been. About a lot of things.
“Hi, my name’s Dan McBride. I fell off El Capitan while free soloing and survived to tell the tale. Ialsosurvived twelve foster families growing up. The trending hashtag, FosterKidStories, got me thinking about a few of mine.” He shifts around on the sofa, a tense expression on his face.
“I’ve got a lot of bad stories, sure, same as everyone else. You can watch the video I’ll put in the description, if you want to know more about that. But I had a couple of foster parents who really tried to help me. I want to talk about them today. First was Edith. She was my favorite. I was with her from…” He pauses, appears to cast his mind back and counts on his fingers. “…seven until right around the time I turned nine. Back then, she was probably Peggy Jo’s age now—so, an old woman. Well, older than all the rest of them.”
I snort, imagining Peggy Jo’s offense at that description.
His voice pitches softer, and his eyes drift off to the side, as if he’s remembering Edith. “She was short. I’d say five-two. Shesmelled like a tart. She had a cinnamon-apple-scented perfume she put on by the gallon. She had permed gray hair. Stuck up all around her head.” He moves his hand around his own skull to demonstrate. “She used to take me to the hairdresser with her and make me sit there while they made it look that way. It took hours. I’d study all the women’s hair magazines while I waited.”
He scrunches his nose. “The chemicals smelled awful. But I didn’t complain because I knew she felt pretty when they were done.” He touches his own hair gently. “She’d say, ‘Now I look glamorous, Danny. Don’t I?’ And I’d tell her not really.” He shrugs. “She always looked the same to me.”
His eyes grow distant again. “I remember she’d touch my face”—here he lifts his hand and cups his own cheek—“and say, ‘I love that you’re not a liar.’ I think, sometimes she’s the only person in my life who ever truly loved my honesty.”
He frowns and swallows hard. “Aside from Sejin, I mean. Also—again aside from Sejin—she’s the only person to have ever called me Danny. For everyone else, I’ve always been Dan, though one foster father called me Daniel. I hated that.”
He shrugs again. “Anyway, back to Edith and the hair salon. Maybe those women’s hair magazines are why I had such a fetish for Sejin’s long hair. You don’t know about that, do you? You weren’t around back before he cut it.”
I can’t help but think of how he’s using KPop cues here, speaking to the audience as though they are one-on-one, as though their presence in his life via the internet is real.Theyweren’t around when I had long hair.Theydon’t know me like that. He’s bringing them into his world and it’s working beautifully. I find myself leaning in toward the Dan on the screen, wanting to be physically closer too. Even though the real Dan’s only a few feet away in the bathroom.
“Sejin used to have long, gorgeous hair.” He gestures with his hand to show the length. “But he cut it off.” Dan sighs. “You winsome, you lose some. He’s still the most handsome man I’ve ever seen.”
My stomach flutters. He says that so casually, so intimately, like it’s obvious and yet like he’s sharing something private about himself with the viewers. He’s got so much less to lose with the camera than with actual in-person interactions. It’s easy to see how this appeals to him. I should have known.
Dan pauses. “Yeah, so, Edith. I liked her. She was old, but cool. She tried to teach me about opera.” His lips twitch. “I wasn’t a willing student. She taught me to shake hands when I meet someone, and told me if I tried, I could be charming. She loved the word charming. The drawings I did were charming. The blooms on her miniature rose bushes were charming. The UPS man’s uniform was charming.”
My stomach knots up. I can sense something is coming. Something not at all charming.
“But then she got sick, and…” He shakes his head. “She couldn’t take care of me anymore. They promised her they were going to place me with a great lady who’d love me. Edith told me about it when I had to say goodbye to her.” His mouth stretches out thin and flat. I think I see tears in his eyes. “She hugged me hard and told me to be happy. She said she loved me. I don’t know if that was true, but what she gave me was the closest to love I’d ever felt until I met Peggy Jo, and then Sejin.”
My chest aches. I want to go in the bathroom and collect him in my arms and never let him go.
“I don’t know what happened to her. I think she probably died.” He swallows audibly. Romeo, sensing his distress, climbs into his lap and purrs aggressively, trying to soothe him.
Dan strokes his hand over Romeo’s fur. “The woman who took me in after Edith wasn’t anything like they’d promised she’d be. For one thing, she had a cat. Horrible thing. Nothing like this demonic angel right here. Right, Romeo?”
