Page 84 of Free Heart
I’m still regretful that I’m unable to get on one knee as I pop the box to expose the ring I chose for him. “Marry me.”
Sejin’s eyes fly wide, and his mouth falls open. His nose is pink with cold, and his eyes are watery. Also from the cold? Or from happy surprise? I don’t know.
I’ve seen enough proposals on television and in movies to know that the person asking needs to make a speech, so I dive right in. “Doc, I love you, and I know you love me. I also I know I’m a bad bet, and maybe I’ll make you a widower next year—”
Sejin tries to interrupt me. “Dan, for heaven’s—”
“Shh,” I touch his soft lips, surprised to see my fingers are shaking. Gently, I slide my hand to stroke back the hair that falls by his cheekbone. It drops back into place. “But no matter what happens, until the very end of my life, however soon or late that is, I want you by my side.” My gut twists, sudden doubt that Sejin wants the same with me making my heart pound loudly.
“It’s practical too,” I point out. “If I get hurt again—next time I climb or, well, at any point ever—I don’t want you to have to hope for a queer-friendly nurse. I want you to have legal access to everything about me. Vice versa too, of course, because it’s not like I’m the only one at risk of getting hurt or dying. You drive a lot, after all.”
“Dan, I swear to God, if you don’t stop ruining this by talking about dying, I might just say no.”
“And there’s more,” I proclaim.
“Oh yeah?”
“I also don’t wantanyonethinking they can have you when you belong with me. Nottome.Withme. There’s a difference.”
Sejin’s lips quirk at the edges, and the shock fades from his eyes, replaced by a whirl of fondness and irritation and love. I’ve become quite familiar with that mixed-up look of his.
I go on, “I’m proud I’m the one who caught you, and everyone else should be envious that I did. Sejin, I want you as my husband. I never had a family—unless you count Peggy Jo—”
“I really think she counts.”
“—but you’re the family I want. That includes whoever else you bring along with you. Martin, Jeremiah, Sarah Kate, your dad, even Leenie, I guess. I want all of them to be my family, so long as I get to be your family too.”
Sejin’s expression makes my heart leap. “Dan—”
“I’m not done!”
“Okay, go on.”
“And I love you.”
“You said that already.”
“I mean it. A lot.”
“Danny…” Sejin’s eyes fill with tears. His lips wobble.
My heart’s in my throat. “Yeah?”
“Can I have the ring now?”
My voice quavers. “So, that’s a yes?”
Tilting his head and squinting at me, Sejin thinks about it. Really thinks about it. I can see him weighing everything, every potential future for us, and his voice is a broken whisper when he says, “Do you know what you’re asking of me?”
I nod, pulse pounding.
He doesn’t mean just that I’m asking him to be my husband, but that I’m asking him to trust me with his heart and his future, even when I’m still planning to take my life into my own hands for what he sees as an unnecessary and foolish risk. He’s asking me if I understand that I’m demanding he accept that maybe I love him less than I love the wall. But that’s only because I’venever been able to adequately explain to him that it’s not about love—it’s about who I am.
It’s about mebeingthe man he loves.
And, as soon as I think I’ve lost him, as soon as I’m convinced he’s going to take his tentative acceptance back, his eyes shift again. Tears overflow, and I know that he understands and accepts it all. It’s like what he said to me the day he cut his hair. He wants me—Dan McBride—and that means he wants the free soloist too.
I lift the ring so he can see it more clearly. Still, he doesn’t say yes.
