Page 89 of Free Heart
As much as I try to hold space for her, it’s not like her future probable illness gives her a free pass. There’s always something about her that rubs me the wrong way. It’s not jealousy over the glint of attraction I initially saw in Dan’s eyes because I see noneof that now. Besides, we’re engaged, for fuck’s sake, even if he did still think she’s hot. No, it’s that I feel like Sailor will egg Dan on during climbs—ortheclimb—and encourage him to take risks.
But I also know she’s dedicated a lot of her time over the last month to helping Dan—helpingus—financially and professionally. She seems to care about Dan and want him to achieve his dreams. She’s even offered to help Dan out with belaying duties if Rye’s busy with his and Lowell’s Dawn Wall goal this spring.
The truth is, I struggle to balance my gratitude with my anxiety, and I usually let the resulting irritation win. She seems oblivious to it, though—which makes me wonder if maybe she’s autistic too. Is that what she sees in Dan? A kindred, clueless, determined, and hyper-focused spirit?
Sailor lifts her brows and says nothing, but I force myself to recall that it’s due to her help that Dan’s climbing influencer star is on the rise. She’s the reason we’ve been able to eat this month. She’s the reason Dan got a small sponsorship from her own sponsor, WhipSmart. She’s the source of the money Dan used to buy this engagement ring, probably.
I touch it with my thumb. “Why do you want me to do an interview anyway?” Though I know. I’m the one who originally explained to Dan why authenticity and letting fans feel like they’ve been let into your inner circle is so important.
She pats the clean table and sits down.
“I’m still on the clock,” I argue.
“Go punch out then.”
I hesitate.
“C’mon. It’s not like I don’t know your schedule. You’re finished in…” She glances at her watch. “Five, four, three, two, one. Now you’re out of excuses.”
She’s right, of course. I don’t know why I’m avoiding her camera so much. It’s not like Dan isn’t constantly uploading videos of me to his channels. But that’s done with love. Mercenary motives aside, I always feel Dan’s affection when he’s got his phone trained on me. Probably because he narrates so many of his thoughts as he does.
Despite my insistence that I’m more than the way I look, I don’t mind him telling his thirteen thousand subscribers that he loves everything about me from the hook at the corner of my eye to the softness of my skin to my silly morning stubble. I like them knowing how into me he is.
Maybe I’m a little possessive too, now that I think about it.
“Alright. Let me put this in the back, and I’ll join you in a second.”
I get rid of the bussing tub by the dishwashing station and take some time to check myself in the mirror in my locker. I look okay. A little tired, but not bad. I pull my fingers through my hair, gather my nerves, and grab a couple of waters for both of us. Then I head back out to meet the monster. Er…Sailor.
“So,” Sailor says, clicking her camera on almost as soon as she’s finished mic’ing me up and I sit down. She’s spent the few minutes it took for me to get rid of the tub and get back out here setting up a table-top tripod that aims the camera right at my face. It also allows her to see the screen on the back to determine if the angle is right. “Tell me, what do you wish everyone knew about Dan?”
I say the words before I’ve even thought them through, and I look right at her as I do. “They should know he’s vulnerable and innocent in a way I don’t think people fully grasp, especially by how he presents himself online.”
“Innocent,” Sailor says, thoughtfully. “I can see that.”
“He’s human, deeply human.” I rub the center of my chest as an ache sets up there. “People think he’s arrogant, or an asshole,or maybesuperhuman given what he’s aiming to do. But he’s flesh and blood and just wants to belong.”
“Belong where?”
“Here on earth, I think.”
I want to take that back as soon as its out of my mouth. That might be more than Dan would want anyone to know. “Can you delete that part?”
“Yes, but why?”
I squirm, unable to explain. “He’s private.”
“He shares everything from his porn habits to his favorite freckle on your body—the one on the back of your knee, by the way, though the one by your ear is his second favorite.”
I huff. “That’s about me, and about our relationship, that’s not about him.”
“The big news that he’s a human being with vulnerabilities is more than Dan would want the world to know?”
“That he wants to belong,” I correct. “He’d never admit to that.”
“Let’s ask him,” she says, pulling up her phone and texting away. She puts it down. “Okay, I asked. I’ll cut it if he agrees that’s off-limits information.”
Her phone dings.
