Page 25 of Free Heart
Dan’s van is parked by the side of the house where Rye and Lowell left it last night after locating the spare key. I think about the first time I stepped into the van and into the embrace of the man I found waiting for me there. The ripple of fear and anxiety at the risk I was taking back then.
I think of the man waiting for me inside the house. They’re the same, butthisman is so much more mine now—and so much scarier to me in so very many ways. I almost lost him. I could still lose him if he decides he’s serious about trying to free solo Heart Route again… and Iknowhe’s serious.
I turn to go back in, but my phone vibrates in my pocket. It’s my dad, and I answer, surprised by his call.
“Sejin?” he asks as soon as I’ve said hello, and I realize I don’t sound like myself. My voice is still raw from worry and quiet from the exhaustion of the last few days and what lies ahead.
“Dad, I’m glad you called.”
“How’s your boy?”
I smile at his phrasing. “He’s got a lot of healing to do, but he’s going to be all right.”
“I saw all about him on the news.”
“Oh.” I clear my throat. I’d hoped to explain Dan to my dad in my own way. I didn’t quite know when, but…eventually. I hadn’t wanted him to learn about Dan from the media. Leenie was right. I should have called him days ago.
“So…” He chuckles. “Is he an idiot or what?”
“A little bit, yeah,” I say, and I’m surprised that I laugh too. It’s not funny, but it’s also completelyhilariouslytrue. I’m in love with an idiot, and there’s no cure for that, I don’t think.
“Did he learn his lesson at least?” Dad asks.
“I don’t think so, no,” I murmur, watching as two crows loop around and around a high tree toward the eastern side ofthe property. I wonder if they’re scavenging carrion or treasure hunting.
“Ah, he’sthatkind of idiot then.”
“The incurable kind,” I say. “I’ve been meaning to tell you about him, and his plans to climb El Cap without ropes—it’s called free soloing when a climber does that. But it’s been hard to explain him to people. Leenie doesn’t understand. Martin either. I admit I don’t myself, but I know it’s important to him and—” I break off and rub at my face again.
“And he tried it, and he failed.”
“Yeah.”
Dad clucks lightly. “He’ll try again, you think?”
“Absolutely.”
“What are you going to do about it?” Dad asks.
“Nothing. I can’t stop him.”
“Would you if you could?”
I consider. “I don’t know anymore. Even before the accident, I wavered on whether I wanted him to give up his goal, or if I supported him because it’s who he is. But immediately after the accident, there was nothing I wanted more than for him to be all right, and for him to swear he was done with all this. Right now? I don’t know. It’s hard to explain, Dad.”
“It’d be like taking the laughter out of your mama’s voice, wouldn’t it? That daring is part of him. Baked in.”
I squeeze my eyes shut against the glare of the waning light, surprised beyond belief that my father understands this more than almost anyone else I know. “I love him,” I say, softly. “With my whole heart.”
“I’m glad. Real glad.”
“Are you?” He’d seemed unfazed back when I’d come out to him and my mom, but having a queer son in West Virginia couldn’t have been easy for him. I know some of his old friends dropped him afterward for being so accepting of me.
“I just want you to be loved, and if this boy loves you—”
“He does.”
“Then I’m real glad. But I can’t be tellin’ you I’m not worried for you too. Losing the one you love is hard stuff. But if part of who he is includes this kind of dare-devilry, then I reckon you’d lose him all the same if you ask him to stop.”
