Page 95 of Free Heart
That’s turning out to be surprisingly complicated since Sarah Kate is mobile now, and both kids are obsessed with the cats—who loathe them. Which meansI’mobsessed with protecting them both from any scarring incidents like I experienced in my youth.
Only Muggs is good with them, letting both Jeremiah and Sarah Kate get a pet or two in before running beneath the dresser in the bedroom to hide. The other two hiss and try to whack them with their needle paws. I hate it. But, like all cats, they don’t care how much I scold them. They’re shameless. They can’t help it, though. It’s their demon half coming through.
Jeremiah drops to the foam mats again and rolls over to his side, looking at me seriously. “Dan?”
“Yeah?”
“I think I should help Sarah Kate go to sleep.” His little lisp has improved, but he still says his r’s like w’s and his th’s like f’s. “Do you want to come with me?”
I refrain from grimacing when I agree, letting him take my hand and lead me from the garage into the yard.
Sejin and Lowell have cleared a path in the knee-deep snow. I limp along, conscious of the metal plate in my leg. I don’t always notice it, but tonight the cold seeping through my jeans makes my skin feel tight around the injury. The plate is right there beneath the surface. I can trace it with my fingers. Sejin even kisses it from time to time when we’re making love.
The doctor says there’s no reason to remove it and risk infection of the site, not unless it starts to cause problems for me.
I don’t know how to feel about that. In some ways I feel grateful to the metal that’s helping me heal, but in some deep, dark corner of my mind I worry that it’s cheating. That it’s“aid climbing” my recovery, or that having metal in my leg will disqualify me from claiming that I’ve conquered Heart Route on my own—like I’m part cyborg. It’s ridiculous, but it lingers.
Inside, we find Sejin pacing with Sarah Kate, singing a KPop ballad beneath his breath—something by IU, I think—and patting her sobbing back.
After I help Jeremiah out of his shoes, and he strips out of his wet jeans and coat, all the way down to his little Paw Patrol-themed long underwear, he trots over to them and pats Sarah Kate’s leg.
She hiccups a sob and looks down. A fat tear slides from her cheek and hits the floor.
“It’s okay. Mommy will be back tomorrow.”
The mention of Mommy is a mistake, and Sarah Kate bursts into fresh sobs. My skin crawls and I feel dizzy, but I swallow it down, sitting on the floor of the entryway to remove my own boots.
“Let me hold her,” Jeremiah demands, though he’s hardly big enough to truly hold his sister. Still, Sejin squats and passes his burden off.
Jeremiah gathers her close in an awkward embrace. Sarah Kate’s legs dangle and drag on the floor. He kisses her red and wet cheeks, and he starts to sing a different song. This must be the one that Leenie sings to them because Sarah Kate begins to calm.
Sejin joins in, knowing the words.
I get my shoes off and stand, following as Sejin takes both kids over to the blow-up mattress we’ve dug out of Peggy Jo’s closet for them to crash on. He puts Sarah Kate down, and Jeremiah curls up around her, kissing her hair and singing. Sarah Kate rolls into her brother’s side, burying her face in his neck, taking comfort in him.
She continues to hiccup sadly and shudder with heaving breaths even as her silky eyelids close and she drifts off. Jeremiah sings himself into a sweaty, deep sleep, the likes of which I never even once experienced at his age.
When I was a kid, I always felt like I had to keep one eye open and watch my back. I’ve rarely enjoyed such sound sleep even as an adult, and not at all since the fall. Unless you count painkiller-drugged oblivion, and I don’t.
I let Sejin lead me to the bedroom. Once the door is closed behind him, he sighs heavily. “She’s so sad,” he murmurs, taking me into his arms. “She doesn’t understand why she’s here or where her mommy went. It breaks my heart to see her cry like that.”
I stroke his back and say nothing. I can’t confess that her tears make me want to throw up and run away. They bring up way too many irrational feelings that I now know are attached to the memories I keep repressed. So, I whisper, “She has people who love her trying to soothe her fears, and that’s what matters.”
I love Sarah Kate. And Jeremiah. I love them more and more every day. I just can’t shake the visceral reaction I have to the sound of a baby’s wails.
I brush Sejin’s hair back off his face, and he gazes down at me with a tiredness that has me pressing him toward the bathroom. “Shower. Get ready for bed. These kids have worn you out. You look like you’ve been ridden hard, but not in the good way.”
Sejin snorts and brings me along with him. I showered earlier before taking Jeremiah out to the bouldering wall, so I think I’m good to go until morning. I lean against the wall and watch.
“How were things out in the garage?” Sejin asks from behind the water-streaked curtain. I peek around it and admire his long, wet body.
“The kid did a great job. He’s strong. When I’m back to my old self, he’ll be ready to go up a little wall.”
“I’ve been thinking…”
“Yeah?”
“I think I should start working out more, get stronger.”
