Page 119 of Mrs. Pandey
“You’re abandoning him?” His voice was cold, but his eyes burned with fire.
I drew in a shaky breath, forcing the words out though they tore through me like glass. “He needs you, not me.” My gaze dropped to the floor, my chest rising and falling unevenly. “It’s obvious, isn’t it? He can’t breathe without you, Prashant. He’ll never look at me the way he looks at you. And when he’s old enough to understand…when he realizes that I’m the one who tore him away from you he’ll hate me.” My throat closed, my tears spilling despite my resistance. “I can endure the whole world’s hatred. I can survive a lifetime of loneliness. But I cannot… I will not… survive my son’s hatred.”
“Ira…” His voice cracked, pleading, before he pulled me into his arms, holding me tightly. “I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry...”
“Don’t you dare...!” I shoved him away with all the strength I had left, stumbling back a few steps, my chest heaving. My voice shook with rage, grief, and despair. “Don’t you dare come any closer to me again!”
His hand hovered in the air, aching to reach for me, but he froze at the venom in my words. His lips trembled as he tried again, his voice softer this time, and his eyes were begging. “Just listen to me. Please, Ira. Just once. I want you back in my life. I...” His voice faltered as he glanced down at the boy before meeting my eyes again. “We can’t live without you. Neither of us. We’re family.”
“Family?” I repeated the word with a bitter laugh that clawed its way out of me. “Don’t you dare use that word so carelessly, Prashant. Do you even know what family means? You… you want me back in your life so you can break me all over again, isn’t it?”
His face twisted in agony at my accusation, his shoulders shaking under the weight of it. But I stood tall, clutching the last fragments of my strength, even as my heart bled in my chest.
Prashant’s jaw clenched as if he were holding back everything he had buried for months. His hand trembled slightly when he reached for me again, but I took a sharp step back, my nails digging into my palms.
“You don’t understand,” he said, his voice hoarse, almost broken. “I wasn’t trying to hurt you, Ira. I…”
I cut him off with a bitter laugh. “Weren’t trying? Then what were you doing? Pushing me away, making me believe I wasn’t enough? Pretending with her in front of me...do you even realize what you did to me?” My chest ached, my throat raw from holding back tears. “You destroyed me, Prashant. Every time I needed you, you turned your back. Every time I begged for you to see me, you looked through me as if I didn’t exist.”
He shut his eyes, my words pierced deeper into him. His shoulders shook, and when he finally opened them again, I saw a man stripped of pride. “I thought… if you hated me, if you believed I didn’t care, you’d stop loving me. I thought it would make it easier for you, easier when I...” His voice stuttered.
“When you what?” I snapped, stepping closer despite the storm raging inside me. “When you erased me from your life? When did you choose her over me? When you left me drowning alone?”
“I never chose her!” he burst out, his voice loud enough that Iraaj stirred faintly in bed before settling back to sleep. Prashant lowered his voice immediately, his tone desperate. “I only pretended with Ridhima because I was too much of a coward to tell you the truth. I thought if you hated me, you wouldn’t cling to me, you wouldn’t break when I...”
I shook my head violently, my chest rising and falling with ragged breaths. “Don’t twist this, Prashant. You made me feel like I was worthless, like I was a burden. Do you know how many nights I lay awake, wondering what was wrong with me? Wondering why I wasn’t enough for you? You left me questioning my own existence.” My lips quivered, but I forced the words out, sharp as knives. “You don’t get to say you did it to protect me.”
His eyes filled, unspoken apologies trembling on his tongue. He sank down onto his knees before me, his hands reaching for mine though I refused to take it. “Ira, I was wrong. I was selfish, I was cruel. I thought I was shielding you from pain, but all I did was give you more of it. I hurt you in ways I can never undo. And every day since, I’ve hated myself for it.”
Tears spilled down my cheeks, hot and merciless. “You hated yourself? Good. At least you know how it feels.”
He bowed his head, his forehead pressing into the hand that hung limply at my side. His tears soaked into my skin. “Please forgive me,” he whispered, his voice breaking. “I can’t lose you again. I need you, Ira. He needs you. We’re incomplete without you.”
Something inside me cracked at the sight of him so undone, so shattered. But my heart was too scarred, too bruised. “You don't need me now,” I whispered bitterly. “You had me once, and you threw me away like I meant nothing. I begged you, Prashant. I begged for one look, one word, one touch. And you gave me silence, cold shoulders and lies.”
He lifted his face, his eyes red, his voice trembling with helplessness. “I know and I will spend the rest of my life proving to you that I was wrong. I’ll do whatever it takes, Ira. Hate me, punish me, scream at me just don’t walk away. Don’t take yourself from us. You’re the heart of this family.”
The word family twisted in my chest, cutting deeper than anything else. I wanted to scream at him, to push him away, to close my ears and never hear him again. But then Iraaj shifted, his tiny lips murmuring, “Ma..ma…” in his sleep.
I froze. The sound of his voice, fragile yet pure, ripped me apart. My knees buckled, and I pressed a hand to my mouth as sobs finally broke free.
Prashant stood, stepping closer, his eyes never leaving mine. He looked broken, and desperate. “He needs both of us, Ira. Not justme. Not just you. Both. Please… let me try to fix this. Let me try to fix us.”
My tears blurred everything, my heart screaming at me to run and stay all at once. The storm between love and hate, longing and pain, raged inside me.
“I don’t know if I can forgive you,” I whispered, my voice almost lost. “But I know I can’t stop loving you either. And that… that is the cruelest part.”
Prashant closed his eyes, exhaling as if my words were both punishment and relief for him. When he reached for me, his hand was trembling, hesitant, waiting for me to decide.
I stood there, torn apart, staring at the man who broke me and the child who bound us together. This made me realise forgiveness wasn’t about forgetting. It was about deciding if love was worth the scars. _______
Chapter 57
IRA
I and Prashant were still living apart, but we shared our time with Iraaj equally. Half of the day he stayed with me, and the other half with his father. It was our strange arrangement, neither complete separation nor togetherness but it worked for now. I had also decided against taking retirement from the army. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t risk breaking the delicate thread between Iraaj and his father. My son couldn’t live without Prashant, and I couldn’t take that away from him. That decision, however, had once again caused a rift between me and my father. He was furious when he found out I was choosing to stay in India. My mother, on the other hand, had opened her arms wide to me. She was happy, even, that I was giving Prashant another chance.
It was evening when Prashant asked me to dinner. We hadn’t been out like this in a long time, just the three of us. The thought of it filled me with nervous excitement. My favorite restaurant, his invitation, the unspoken weight of the night.
