Page 33 of Mrs. Pandey
I turned my attention to mundane, immediate things. Work. That was the only refuge, the only place where the constant echo of his words could be silenced, even for a moment. I wished with all my being that I could erase his voice his cruel accusations from my memories.
But as I tried to immerse myself in duty, I knew with a frightening certainty that his words would haunt me for the rest of my life, constantly reminding me of what I had lost, and what I could never get back.
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Chapter 16
PRASHANT
THREE YEARS AGO
Just before our upcoming leave, my soldier friends and I planned a short trip to Dehradun, a breather before we scattered to different corners of the country. Ira was coming too. No one knew about us, about the nights we spent together behind closed doors, about the secret I carried like a loaded gun. She wasn't mine to hold. She belonged to Aryan Rathore, her boyfriend, who was a senior officer posted in Jammu and Kashmir.
To her, I was just a timepass. A body to satisfy her desires. A means to feed her cravings. She didn't want anything beyond the physical with me. I knew she was using me, and yet she meant everything to me. She meant my world to me.
I had never felt this kind of connection with anyone else not even Avni. Avni Parmar, my best friend since childhood. We were close, once inseparable, but we fell apart before we even understood what love really meant.
But Ira, I loved Ira with all my heart, with every breath, and with all my time. I loved her like there was no tomorrow. Like she was the last woman left in the world. I loved her with a madness I couldn't tame. It hurt, knowing she had a boyfriend but still, somewhere deep down, there was hope. Hope that one day she would give us a chance. That she would break up with her boyfriend for me.
I gently put my hand on Ira's thigh, but she softly brushed it away.
"I told you...no touching in public," she said playfully, throwing me a side glance.
I looked around the bus. No one was paying attention to us. Everyone was lost in the excitement of the journey as they were singing, dancing, and laughing.
"I'm sorry," I muttered and withdrew my hand, resting it on my own thigh instead.
I turned to her, drinking in her features. She had the face of a model, she had sharp cheekbones, pouty lips, and eyes that could undo me in seconds. Her thick, straight hair fell in perfect waves, and I constantly fought the urge to run my fingers through it. I didn't just like her body but also I liked her soul. There wasn't a single part of her I didn't crave.
"Stop staring at me like an idiot," she said softly, eyes fixed on the window.
"I'm just admiring you," I coaxed, offering a smile. "Can't I?"
"You can admire me within four walls," she giggled, leaning slightly toward me. "Not in public, Prashant. I'll be in serious trouble if people find out we're..." She glanced around, then whispered, "...sleeping together. You know what I mean? I have a boyfriend."
"I know," I replied, jaw tightening as I turned away from her.
I didn't argue. I stood up and moved to sit beside my friend Arish instead. Ira slipped in her earphones, looking far more relaxed now that she was alone.
She turned her face back toward the window, listening to her favorite music.
And I just watched her from a distance hurting, hoping, and loving her in silence.
I had a lot of fun hiking with my batchmates, chanting army slogans through the tall pine forests, our voices echoing through the valleys as if we owned the world. We climbed up to George Everest and soaked in the golden light that spread across the hills. Ira walked ahead of me most of the time, her laughter clearly audible as she joked with others. She never looked back at me once.
In the evening, we lit a bonfire near our campsite. Everyone huddled close to each other and sang songs, some tuneless and loud, others quiet and nostalgic. I sat a little apart, drinking a bottle of beer, the orange glow of the fire falling on Ira's face, when she leaned close to one of the girls, whispering something that made them both laugh.
That night, I couldn't sleep.
I looked at the moon through the tent flap and wondered how close it was just a few feet away, yet how far away from the galaxies. I didn't know why I let myself fall so in love with her. Maybe it was because when she kissed me, even if only to fulfill her own desire, I felt it was sacred to me.
The next morning, we went to Robbers Cave. Everyone shrieked as the cold dipped their feet into the icy waterfall. Ira pulled her jeans up to her knees and walked in gracefully and unconcernedly. I stood from a distance, watching her. She didn't call me to join her. She didn't even look at me.
Later, when we went to the Mindrolling Monastery, I saw her kneeling silently and folding her hands in front of the huge Buddha statue. There was something in that moment that broke me. I had seen her bold, brazen, playful but never quiet. Not like that. I wondered if she was praying for Aryan Rathore. I wondered if she was apologising for loving two people, or for pretending she didn't love me at all.
On the last day, when we were all packing up, she came up to me. Her expression was neutral, and unreadable.
"Prashant," she said in a soft voice, "you knew what it was. Don't make it any more."
