Page 95 of October
“Sorry,” Juliet replied. “But if I’m being serious, I was nervous, sure. Who isn’t their first time with someone who might be the one?”
“Gwen is the one?”
“I don’t know. I have moments where I look at her and think that this is it; she’s it for me. Then, I try to remember that we’ve only been together for about a month, so it’s too soon to think that, but I feel it. I feel it when we’re together. I felt it thismorning, too, and I don’t mean that in a sex way. Before and after, when we just lay there, holding on to one another, I felt it.”
“I feel that when she holds me,” Molly shared.
“Yeah? That’s great, Molls.”
“She holds me from behind sometimes, and I feel like I’m the safest I’ve ever been.”
“So, what happened last night, then?”
“I couldn’t stop thinking about how I might disappoint her; how India was probably a great lover and knew all about Finley’s body, which made me want to throw up a little. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to make her feel good, and when we were…”
“You can say the words, Moll. We’ve both had sex before.” Juliet smiled at her.
“Fine.” Molly leaned in and then spoke softly, “She was doing that thing where certainthingstouch, and well, she was on top. We were pressed together, and she was clearly going to come, but I wasn’t doing anything. She was doing all the work. I just lay there like an idiot who couldn’t even focus on the fact that the hottest woman I’d never thought I’d have was touching me and coming, and I couldn’t come myself, so I…”
“Oh, no.” Juliet leaned back in her chair. “You didn’t.”
“I did. But she wasbusyon top of me, so I didn’t think she’d noticed. She might not have. I’m not sure.”
“You faked it, Molls?”
“She was coming, and it was like, she wanted me to do so, too, and I didn’t want to let her down, but the thoughts wouldn’t stop.”
“Did you tell her what was going on?”
“No, because then, she was touching me again, and it was just about me this time, and I still couldn’t come. I swear, I wanted to, Jules. I really, really wanted to. But I couldn’t get out of my damn head, and it had been a while, so I–”
“Molly!”
“I know…” she said, covering her face with her hands. “I can’t believe I did that to her.”
“Twice!”
“She might only know about the one.”
“Still,” Juliet said.
“I know. Trust me, I know. I feel awful.”
“What happened when you touched her?”
“Nothing because I didn’t. She didn’t want me to, and I think it’s because she knew I’d just faked it. I hardly slept, and I think she might have been up all night. I don’t know. At, like, five, though, she was up, and I was up, and we took a shower together.”
“You better not have faked it a third time.”
“I didn’t. And we didn’t do anything. I mean, we took a shower, but that was it. Then, she left. She said she was wired and needed to deal with the energy, but she could’ve stayed. There are other ways to deal with excess energy that she didn’t want anything to do with because I am such a fucking spaz all of a sudden. What happened to me, Jules? I’ve had sex before, and it was fine. I didn’t freak out like this. I didn’t lie to someone I care about.”
“You really do love her, don’t you?”
“Duh. Where have you been?”
“No, I mean, I thought it was just an infatuation thing at first. You loved who youthoughtFinley was, but you didn’t really know her. You do know her now, though, and you love her.”
“When she holds me, Jules, it’s the only place I want to be ever again: in her arms. Last night, when she was on top of me, it was everything I’ve ever wanted, and I messed it up. I am so tired of messing things up with her. How many more chances is she going to give me before she leaves?”
