Page 38 of Far From Center
Chapter 15
Nyalla’s eyelidswere growing heavy, and she’d just begun to lose herself in the drama of Zane and Phoebe when she heard the click of the porch door opening. She felt Gabe standing in the doorway, saw him out of the corner of her eye.
“None.”
Her heart twisted at the depth of loneliness in that one word.
“You wanted to know how many angels I’ve joined with, and the answer is none.”
He was four billion years old and he’dneverjoined with another angel? Nyalla turned in her seat to face him. “Why not? Does it have to do with your vibration patterns?”
“No. Joining actually improves our vibration patterns. It brings us close to the divine. I just…” He ran a hand through his spiky black hair. “I never found the right angel. Honestly, I nevertriedto find the right angel. I had my choir to run and my duties on the Ruling Council. I never wanted there to be any question of a conflict of interest on my part. I didn’t want to worry that my partner might be with me primarily to improve their status in Aaru and not because they truly wanted an emotional connection with me. And…” again she saw fear in his eyes. “no one was truly worthy. I’d rather wait than join with an angel whose vibration levels were less than mine.”
He was terrified. Nyalla searched his face and found four billion years of self-imposed isolation because he was afraidhewas the one who wouldn’t be found worthy. In spite of his lofty vibration level, his dedicated service to Aaru, his strict adherence to the rules, Gabe was positive that he’d never achieve that emotional connection. He’d spent his life squeezed in a vice, between two powerful elder siblings that he desperately wanted to best. He wanted their approval, their admiration, and he never got it. He couldn’t be like the younger two. He couldn’t ever gain the respect of the older two. The best he could do was to pull himself away, to create an island where no one could reject him or judge him as lacking in any way. If he let no one in, then any criticism would just slide right off his back.
It was so sad. Nyalla put the book down and stood, reaching up to cup his face in her hands. “You’re my best friend, Gabe. In less than two days, you’ve become my best friend.” She pulled his face to hers and kissed him, soft and gentle, her lips lingering briefly on his. “I hope someday you’ll findmeworthy. I hope so, because you’re my ‘deep abiding emotional connection’. You.”
One of them had to risk it all, to take the chance, so she chose it to be her. In spite of all the hurt she’d had at the hands of the elves, in spite of the pain of eight failed relationships, she was the less damaged of the two of them. She was the optimist who kept trying while he’d been the one who walled himself off. It was up to her to open the door, to make herself vulnerable, and hope that he’d meet her somewhere in the middle.
A breath shuddered through him and he pulled her close, crushing her against him. She felt his ragged breathing against her hair, his fingers curling to grip the back of her shirt.
Finally, he pulled back and she saw the shine of tears in his eyes. “You’re my best friend too, Nyalla. I care more about you than I do about anyone. You are worthy. You’re worthy, but I don’t know if I can ever give you a physical affirmation of my affection.”
Her lips trembled, but she forced them into a smile. “No sex? Because that would be sinful, even with you as a human right now?”
“No, it’s not the act itself that is the sin, it’s the devastation it causes to both the human and the angel. I’ve seen it too many times, not just with the Nephilim I watch over, but the angels and humans who created them. These relationships always end badly, and it’s the human who suffers the most. We’re not meant to love humans. We can’t give a human partner what they need. And if we let our emotions get the best of us and procreate with them, an innocent child suffers as well. Humans and angels should never love.”
“Too late.” She reached up to touch his lips and halt his words. “Do you think us not having sex will change anything? Sex is just one expression of love. Take that away and the emotion still remains. If your reasoning for not having sex with me is because you want to spare me the hurt of loving you or to stop this feeling from happening, then you’re too late. And whether you choose to have sex with me or not, nothing is going to change what I feel for you.”
“This will end in tragedy,” he whispered against her finger. “I don’t want that. I can’t stand the thought that you may end up hurt and hating me. I don’t want a tragedy.”
“It won’t be a tragedy,” she smiled, and this time it was not to mask her tears. “If you let it, ours will be a life full of laughter and fun, of walks along the beach, sailing, scuba diving, reading side-by-side with our toes digging into the warm sand. It will be us dancing in the moonlight, exploring new places together. And when there are sad times, hard times, we’ll hold each other’s hand and get through them together. For as long as we both shall live. Love for us won’t be a tragedy. I promise.”
He smoothed her hair and took a deep breath. “I want to tell you about the first Nephilim I watched over. When the tenth choir fell and Micha took charge of the Grigori, we hunted and killed as many Nephilim as we could find. We established a system of rules and procedures to catch angels before they were so tempted that they might repeat that disaster. But one day a member of Micha’s choir came to me and confessed that he had fallen in love with a human woman, and that she was pregnant with a child of his making.”
Nyalla’s brows furrowed. “Why didn’t this angel go to your brother? Why you when he wasn’t even a member of your choir?”
“Because suicide is an unforgivable sin, and this angel wanted to die. I have a reputation as the strictest of the archangels. He hoped I’d deliver death as a punishment.”
“Did you?”
“No. I made him tell me everything. I wanted to know what could cause a righteous angel to fall so low, and what could have gone so wrong that he wanted to die. Once I heard his story, I couldn’t deliver death as a punishment to this angel. I sentenced him to penance, forbade him from ever interacting with humans again — especially the woman he’d impregnated and his child.” Gabe’s eyes met Nyalla’s. “I want you to know his story as well as mine. You are the only one I’ve told this to.”
She nodded. “I’ll keep your secret, Gabe. You can trust me.”
He touched her cheek. “I know I can. I just wanted to tell you so you knew how important you are to me that I let you know my secrets. As for the angel…well, it was a reckless, foolish impulse on his part that only brought sorrow and tragedy. He’d been a messenger, delivering information to Micha and the Grigori. Sometimes when he had delivered his messages, he’d stay and watch the humans. This woman caught his eye, and before long he found himself entranced with her purity of spirit, her beautiful heart. He revealed himself to her at first to praise her, but eventually he returned again and again, and found himself in love with her.
“She wanted a baby and he finally relented and gave her one. But he couldn’t marry her or be as a human husband to her. He couldn’t be with her all the time due to his duties in Aaru. She refused to leave her town and family to live in isolation, and rightly so. Living alone without any contact, waiting months or years for her angel lover to return, raising a Nephilim child alone — it would have been a horrible life. Her family and the townspeople thought she was a loose woman as an unwed mother, and begged her to marry one of her many suitors to save her reputation and give the baby a good life.”
Nyalla watched his face, seeing nothing but calm resignation there. “Why didn’t he assume human form and marry her? It would have been sixty or seventy years at the maximum. That’s not so long for an angel to be away from Aaru.”
He shook his head. “Travel to and from Aaru is tracked, and that long an absence would have been noticed. We were on watch for that sort of thing given what happened with the tenth choir. The best he could do was sneak away now and then, or see her when he was sent to deliver a message. If he’d been discovered, then his child would have been killed. He tried to be with her as often as he could, but it wasn’t enough. One time he came and she told him that she’d married a good man, one who would raise their baby as his own. She told him it would be best if she never saw him again.”
Nyalla blinked back tears. It hurt to be rejected, but how it must have hurt anangelto be given his walking papers. “Did he? See her, I mean? Or his baby?”
Gabriel shook his head. “No. He came to me and confessed, hoping death would release him from the pain. He never saw her again. He never knew anything about the child and the child’s life. But I couldn’t allow a woman and her human husband to raise a Nephilim without at least checking to make sure the baby didn’t kill their entire village or destabilize the positive evolution we’d planned for the humans.
“I have more leeway in my comings and goings from Aaru, so I visited often to make sure the boy was thriving and happy. And what I saw gave me hope. The woman seemed satisfied with her human husband, even though they were not rich and lived in violent times. The Nephilim had several human half-brothers. He was a wonderful child, perfectly balanced and centered with admirable vibration levels. He was kind and generous of spirit, gentle of heart. After twenty years of visits I realized that they didn’t need me watching over them with such frequency. They were a happy family. The best I could do was go back to Aaru and ensure that the hunter Grigori never found the Nephilim child.”
