Page 11 of Grumpy Pucking Orc
“I need advice on courting human females,” I continued. “When wooing female orcs, we slay beasts and present them as gifts or build homes to entice them to accept our marriage offer.”
The demon put down the stick he was looking over and turned to me, a glimmer of interest in his dark eyes. “Same with demons. Well, except the house thing. Bring them food and the head of their enemy on a pike. Sometimes the head serves as food, which is a win-win situation. Less effort, double the impact.”
I frowned. “I do not know who her enemies are, and I fear murdering a random human for a trophy gift would offend. What if I accidentally kill one of her clansmen? Or a family member?”
Sizzle grunted. “Yeah. Most demons wouldn’t care about that, but humansarestupidly sentimental about their families.”
I’dbe upset if someone killed a clansman as well, so we and the humans agreed on this point.
“There are not many beasts in Baltimore to kill,” I complained. “Gifting a squirrel or one of the birds that eats crumbs from the sidewalk does not seem like it would impress a female.”
“You’re right,” Sizzle agreed. “Lots of humans hunt, but all the larger animals are outside the city. Except for the zoo, that is, and humans get really pissed off when you kill one ofthoseanimals. Trust me, I know. You’re probably better off buying her a steak from the grocery store. Or a gift card from Starbucks. Human women love their coffee.”
I nodded slowly, thinking that I’d need to look up the definition of “gift card” later. I’d seen the Starbucks businesses and also enjoyed the human coffee beverage, so that might be a good option. Buying a steak at thegrocery store for her seemed like it would get me labeled as a poor hunter, and I didn’t want that.
Thanking the demon for his help, I showered, changed, and went in search of my teammates. I found some of them down the street at a local food establishment that had proven to be hospitable to orcs.
Eng, Bwat, and Ugwyll were all at the bar, each holding a large mug of beer. They were the only ones seated there, with the human customers huddled at tables as far away from the bar as they could get.
The wait staff didn’t seem to mind us orcs. A bearded male human bartender gave me a wave and began pouring me a mug of the dark beer I enjoyed. A human waitress with short, spiked pink hair and a pierced nose smiled at me as she walked by with a plate full of food. Careful not to get too close to the nervous human customers, I made my way to the bar and sat down beside Bwat.
“What took you so long?” Ugwyll asked. “We put in an order for snack-tizers because we’re starving and didn’t want to wait.”
“I went outside and spoke with a human child. Then I met the female I intend to marry.”
Eng saluted me with his beer. “Does she have any sisters or friends you could introduce me to?”
Not if he were the last orc male alive. Eng was an entitled, pompous jerk. If Jordan had any friends or sisters, I’d make sure Eng never met them.
“So, when are you leaving with your new bride?” Bwat asked.
I squirmed. “I have to court her first. You are the one who warned me that I shouldn’t propose right away, so I intend to woo her for at least a week before discussing marriage.”
“Pfft.” Eng scowled. “Courting? Human females? Just grab her and haul her back home. Slap some of that goose-tape on her mouth first so the other humans don’t hear her screaming and shoot you or alert the angels.”
“It’s called duct tape,” Bwat told him.
“You can try to kidnapyourbride, but from what I’ve seen of human females, I don’t want to have an angry, unwilling bride in my bed. We’ve got to rest sometime, and I have no doubt she would stab me in my sleep,” I said.
“Not if you tie her up before you slumber,” Ugwyll told me.
I wasnotgoing to tie Jordan up. Unless she liked that sort of thing. Then I’d absolutely tie her up.
We drank our beers in silence. The snack-tizers came. Once all the wings and tots and poppers had been consumed, I broached the topic that had been occupying my mind since I’d first seen Jordan in that parking lot.
“Do you think it’s possible to have a mate bond with a human female?” I asked.
Bwat regarded me with sympathy, patting my shoulder. “None of us will ever experience a mate bond. We can only hope to have a satisfying marriage with a human female and know that our children may be able to find a true mate of their own.”
“The orcs who have human blood in their veins were able to have a mate bond. We can breed with humans. We can have loving partnerships with humans. Perhaps a mate bond isn’t out of the question,” I argued.
Ugwyll frowned. “Orcs in the past have brought home human wives when they came here to plunder and raid. If it were possible, wouldn’t some ofthemhave experienced a mate bond with their human spouses?”
No one had an answer to that. We had historical texts,but they didn’t detail the marital life of orcs. And no one living during my lifetime had ever had a human wife, although several of my friends back home had known a human grandmother.
We all stared into our pint glasses with broody gazes. Even Eng seemed saddened by our mate-less fate. Their gloom and despair made me want to give them some hope to hold on to, even though revealing such personal feelings was uncharacteristic for me.
“When I met this human female tonight, I felt more than physical attraction,” I confessed. “I believe I may have felt the stirrings of a mate bond.”
