Page 13 of Grumpy Pucking Orc
Ugwyll took a swig of his beer. “I don’t care either way as long as she can bear my children. I plan to have at least twelve and intend to have her checked before we wed to ensure her fitness for duty.”
Bwat glared at them both. “Ozar has the right idea. My mate must inspire me to song and poetry. She should be skilled in all forms of art and be able to garden. Our plants and flowers back home will be the envy of the clan, and we will entertain everyone with our duets on the famous orc battles of old.”
I kept quiet. Yesterday I would have agreed that a healthy, compatible bride was enough, but now I hoped for the love that only a mate bond could bring. I wanted conceiving offspring to be more than a duty, more than just a physical pleasure. I wanted my wife to yearn for my touchas much as I would yearn for hers. I wanted my hand-axe to harden just thinking about her. I wanted sex to strengthen our bond, not just to put a child in my female’s womb.
“You are meeting this female on Monday morning at her invitation? What are you going to bring her as your first gift?” Bwat asked.
“I’m not sure,” I confessed. “I spoke to Sizzle in the locker room tonight, and he suggested I give her a steak from the grocery store or a Starbucks gift card.”
“What in the name of every mountain god is a ‘Starbucks gift card’?” Ugwyll asked.
“Gift cards are a type of currency only exchangeable in certain stores. Humans find them an appropriate reciprocation for a kindness done to them, but I don’t believe it would be substantial enough to impress a human female that one is courting, let alone one who might possibly be a true mate,” Bwat said, reaffirming my decision that he was the correct one to ask about how to woo human females.
“A steak? From a grocery store?” Eng’s eyebrows shot up. “Maybe a slab of meat if you actually killed the beast yourself. Even then, presenting the entire animal would be a better choice. Always go overboard on gifts to show that you are not only serious about making her your bride, but that you have the skill and riches to provide for her.”
“I agree.” I shrugged. “But there are no large beasts nearby for me to slay, and my meeting with her is Monday morning. That gives me tomorrow to procure something, and I doubt I could locate a large beast within the city of Baltimore to kill in that timeframe. What would make a suitable first gift for a human female that I can acquire by tomorrow night?”
“Jewelry. Or clothing,” Eng suggested.
“I could research what sorts of jewelry or clothinghuman females find appealing,” Bwat said. “But it’s a risk. She might have particular tastes, and the gift might not gain her favor.”
“I think it might be too early in my courting for such a gift anyway,” I said. Although it might be a good idea to have Bwat do this research for a future gift.
“How about food prepared by you and fed to your intended by hand,” Ugwyll suggested. “That is how my father wooed my mother. Good food that is hand-fed shouldn’t fail to please even the most selective of females.”
I frowned. “What if I choose a food she does not like?”
Eng shrugged. “Then feed it to her anyway. Forcibly if need be. Hold her down. Human females must be provided suitable nourishment, whether they want it or not.”
“Maybe I should give her a knife? Or a mace?” I suggested, thinking that Jordan might appreciate a well-crafted weapon, although I doubted I’d be able to make one by Monday morning.
Bwat tapped his lower lip. “What does she enjoy? I know you have only just met her, but what are your first impressions?”
I thought for a moment. I didn’t know much about her yet. She was beautiful. My hand-axe wanted to bury itself in her warmth. She had a small transportation vehicle that was blue. She was kind, concerned about my missing teeth and the injury to my tusk?—
“She is very interested in teeth,” I said.
The other orcs put down their beers and stared at me.
“Teeth?” Ugwyll finally asked.
“She collects them as trophies and wears them as a necklace?” Eng nodded approvingly. “She is truly a warrior and a good match for you. Perhaps a longer chain or a second one to display her growing collection?”
I hadn’t seen a necklace of trophies around Jordan’s neck, and surely if that was something of importance to her, she would proudly display them every time she left her home.
“I believe she has great concern that humans and orcs retain their teeth,” I finally said. “She was upset that I had lost two teeth in tonight’s game and asked me to find them if I could. I believe she intends on creating new teeth for me in place of the ones I lost.”
I didn’t say anything about my tusk, because some things were not meant to be shared with others, even if these maleswerethe only other orcs in the city.
“That is quite the magic,” Ugwyll said in an awed tone of voice. “Creating new teeth? You truly have found a valuable mate, Ozar.”
“She wanted you to find your lost teeth?” Eng asked. “Perhaps that is her way of hinting to you about a suitable gift. She wants to keep them. And I cannot think of any reason a female would want an orc’s teeth unless she had romantic feelings toward him.”
I patted my pocket where I’d stuck the teeth. Should I string them on a chain for Jordan to wear?
“Human gifts are given in festively wrapped boxes tied with bright ribbons,” Bwat informed us all before turning toward me. “There are some boxes, paper, and supplies in the closet in the coach’s office.”
“We have a coach?” Ugwyll asked.
