Page 26 of Grumpy Pucking Orc
“They were wings though,” Abby reminded me. “Chicken wings. That’s meat.”
“But the artichoke dip and jalapeño poppers weren’t meat,” I argued.
“The one time my ex cooked me dinner it was canned chili with hot dogs chopped up in it,” Willa said, wrinkling her nose.
“Myex once made his grandmother’s lasagna recipe, so let’s not stereotype men as being bad cooks,” Abby said.
“Was it any good though?” Willa asked. “I’ll bet grandma was turning over in her grave because he forgot the bay leaves or added too much oregano.”
“It was better than canned chili with hot dogs.” Abby laughed.
“Seriously, Ireallythink you better eat a full meal before you go over, just in case it’s terrible,” Willa advised. “You can always claim you’re on a diet and that’s why you’re not eating whatever hideous food he’s serving you.”
“Or say that you had a big lunch,” Abby added.
“Or tell him that you might have gotten food poisoning from a lunchtime shrimp salad,” Willa said. “That way you’ll also have an excuse for leaving early if the date is truly horrible.”
“We should set up a rescue plan.” Abby leaned forward across the table. “I’ll call at eight o’clock, and you can pretend I’m a dental emergency.”
“Guys, no!” I threw up my hands. “I don’t need to set up a rescue plan, or some elaborate lies to get out of eating whatever he’s cooking. He said if I didn’t like it, we’d order pizza.”
“Hesaidthat, but did he reallymeanit?” Willa gave me a sideways look. “Fragile egos, you know.”
“I’m pretty sure he meant it. But it won’t matter. Whatever he cooks, it can’t be worse than the stuff I had to choke down at the college cafeteria,” I told them. “I like him. I’ve met him three times now, and I really like him.”
“She’s inspected his teeth, and she still likes him,” Abby told Willa.
“Well, he bought her a Starbucks gift card and presented his teeth in a velvet engagement ring box. What’s not to like?” Willa replied to her.
I sighed. “Okay, ladies. If you’re done teasing me, then help me decide what to wear. Dressy or casual?”
“Casual,” both said in unison.
“But nottoocasual,” Abby cautioned. “Jeans, but a tight tank top under a nice jacket.”
“Wear those dark wash jeans that make your butt look amazing,” Willa added. “And a push-up bra so the girls are front and center. I’ll bet he’s a boob man…or boob orc.”
“What if he actuallyisgrilling on the patio?” I fretted. “Because nothing says sexy like a parka and mittens.”
“It’s a high of fifty-two tomorrow,” Abby said, looking at her phone. “It won’t be colder than mid-forties by the time you’re there. There’s no need for a parka.”
“Plus, you can act all cold on the patio, and he’ll need to warm you up.” Willa winked. “Grill tongs in one hand, squeezing some Jordan ass with the other hand.”
Nowthatwas a plan.
“Heisvery warm,” I commented. “I think orcs’ body temperature might be higher than ours.”
“I predict some snuggling in your future,” Abby said.
“I predict a hell of a lot more than snuggling in her future.” Willa laughed.
After some lurid guesses on how my date might end, we finally shifted the topic of conversation to Abby and Willa. An hour later, I was driving back to my home in Federal Hill, anticipating tomorrow’s date with a mixture of excitement and nervous apprehension.
With a stroke of luck, I managed to find a parking spot a block away from my home. When the real estate agent had shown me the three-story row house in Federal Hill, I’d fallen in love with the industrial interior vibe, the huge windows overlooking the tidy back garden, the spacious master bath with both a walk-in tiled shower and a giant soaking tub with clawed feet. Love blinded me to the fact that this dream house didn’t have a garage or any off-street parking. The freezing or sweaty-humid walk to my door from whatever parking spot I’d managed to find was no picnic, and scraping ice and snow off my car on winter mornings was a downright pain in the butt.
Tonight though, the walk was short—a blessing since it was pouring down rain this evening. Judy bounded toward me the second I opened the door, meowing her displeasure over my absence. Tossing my wet coat on the hallway rackand setting my tote on a table, I scooped her up and cuddled her close.
“I’m happy to see you too, Your Honor.”
