Page 29 of Grumpy Pucking Orc
“Marylynn Boyd of Druid Hill said this of Ozar: ‘He’s a great guy. Friendly and happy to talk to the fans. And he clearly loves kids as much as they love him.’ There’s a whole list of quotes in this article.” Escellates started waving the paper around again.
I lowered my fist slightly. “Yeah? Do you have a problem with that?”
The demon barked out a laugh. “Hell no! Ticket sales doubled in the last three hours. Merch is flying out the door. This is better than you clowns getting your asses whipped this weekend.”
Bwat’s fingers were flying once more over his phone screen, no doubt translating “asses whipped.” Growling silently, I vowed not to have our “asses whipped” ever again.
“From now on, you’re going to be the ‘kid’ orc.” The demon poked my chest with his index finger. “Playgrounds. Schools. Charity fundraisers. Make-A-Wish stuff. Anything to do with kids.”
I nodded, having no idea what he was talking about, but willing to spend time with human children—as long as it didn’t cut into my courtship of Jordan.
“You!” Escellates hopped over and slapped Eng on the back. “You’re in charge of old people.”
“W-what?”
I bit back a laugh at Eng’s shocked expression.
“Old. People,” the demon shouted as if Eng were deaf. “Nursing homes. I want you there every weekend we’re playing at home. Maybe even in the evenings during the week. There better be articles in the paper about you playing bingo with them and all that shit. Got it?”
Eng’s eyes were wide as he looked at each of us. I shrugged.
“And you are going to be focusing on animal shelters.” The demon turned away from Eng to point at Bwat.
“Animals? Shelters?” The orc’s forehead creased, and he glanced down at his phone. “Am I building homes for these creatures? How big are they?”
“You don’t need to build homes for them. Take them for walks. Help the staff at the shelter. Make sure there are lots of pictures of you with the animals.”
Bwat stared at the demon. “What sort of animals are these?”
Escellates threw up his hands. “Hell if I know. Dogs and cats mostly, but I’m guessing they have other animals too. If it’s at the shelter, I want you looking like you love it.”
“I…I will do that,” Bwat stuttered.
Ugwyll snorted, as if he didn’t realize he was next.
“You!”
Ugwyll jumped as Escellates ran toward him.
“You are going to spend time with the homeless.”
“Building homes for homeless animals?” Ugwyll asked hopefully.
“Humans. And in addition to building homes, you’re going to work at the soup kitchen and at the shelter.”
Ugwyll looked over at Bwat, then at the demon. “The homeless humans are at the same shelter as the animals Bwat is taking care of?”
The demon chuckled. “No, although that would be an incredible savings. The homeless humans helping the homeless animals? For free? A huge reduction in labor costs. But sadly, that hasn’t happened, so you’re going to be at thehumanhomeless shelter. And the soup kitchen. And the home building.”
None of us really heard whatever the demon said next. We were all too shocked. Even after he left, still waving the papers around, we just stared silently at each other.
“What does this homeless animal care mean?” Bwat finally asked.
“Am I supposed to take the homeless humans for a walk as well?” Ugwyll asked.
“Old humans?” Eng curled his lip. “I amnotgoing to spend any time with a bunch of smelly old humans.”
“This might be a good chance to meet and woo our brides,” Bwat said, cheerful as usual.
