Page 30 of Grumpy Pucking Orc
“So, you intend to marry a dog or a cat?” Eng scowled. “Ugwyll might find a suitable homeless female, especially since his standards are so low, but I doubt an elderly human female will be of breeding age. This is a waste of my time.”
“Why can’tIbe in charge of children?” Ugwyll complained. “Not that I am opposed to marrying a homeless female, but a human who has proven her ability to have offspring would be a better choice.”
Bwat snorted. “Those females are already married, you shit-brain. That’s why they have children.”
“Maybe her husband has died,” Ugwyll argued. “And if not, I can just kill him myself. The female will be thrilled to be free of that human male loser and marry a strong virile orc instead. I will even adopt his children as my own and ensure the males have careers and the females good orc husbands.”
Eng nodded. “It isn’t fair that Ozar is in charge of children since he already has a female he plans to marry. Let him take the old humans or the animals.”
“I’m keeping the animals,” Bwat snapped. “No one else can have them.”
“With your tiny hand-axe, you are more suitable to satisfy a small mammal bride than a human female.”
Eng laughed at his own statement, but Bwat growled, his hands tightening into fists. “I do not lay withanimals.”
I stepped between the two before this escalated into a brawl. “Enough. We do what the demon says or risk losing our jobs and being sent home without brides. Save your fights for our next match on the ice. Even better, spend your anger by running, climbing, or throwing weights.”
Nobody took my advice, but at least Eng and Bwat walked away, Eng heading for the showers and Bwat leaving the locker room. Ugwyll loitered but looked like he was preparing for a nap rather than any sort of exercise, so I left.
Throwing the weights across the room wasn’t as enjoyable without someone to catch them and throw them back. After an hour, I left the gym and the arena to go for my run. This time I didn’t stop by the park to play with the children, going straight home instead to shower and change.
Worried that Jordan might leave her work before I got there, I headed straight back and wandered from store to store, staying where I could see the building exit and Jordan’s little blue car in the parking lot, while hopefully remaining out of view.
Clouds had covered the descending sun by the time she emerged, her head tilted as she cradled her phone between her shoulder and ear, a large leather bag over her opposite shoulder. I scooted behind a large black vehicle, but she didn’t even look in my direction. Clearly preoccupied, she climbed into her blue car and drove out of the lot.
There were many vehicles in the streets. That and the hanging lights that organized the traffic flow meant I didn’t need to do more than an occasional jog to keep Jordan’s car in sight. My behavior was absolutely suspicious as I hid indoorways, behind parked vehicles, even crouching behind the sign outside a store. The passing humans didn’t seem bothered. Several called out my name, wishing me and the Tusks luck at this weekend’s game. I waved and smiled, trying to look as non-threatening as a seven-foot green orc could in a world of humans. Ages ago, humans screamed and ran at the sight of us, a few brave warriors daring to challenge us to a fight. But things had changed. Instead of challenges, I was met with excited requests to write my name on various pieces of paper and even body parts.
I complied, having to pick up the pace to keep Jordan’s blue car in sight. It wasn’t long before she pulled into a parking spot at the side of a street and got out, heading into a restaurant.
Anxiety gripped me, catching my breath. Was she here on a date? Meeting a human male? I waited a few minutes, then tried to casually look through the windows. It was a Monday night, and the place was far from packed, but it still took me a while to find Jordan at a back table. She was with the two women she’d been with last night. I relaxed and retreated a step, backing right into a large human male’s torso.
“What are you—wait…you’re the hockey player. Ozar, right?”
The male’s voice had started with a menacing tone but quickly shifted to friendly excitement. Any second now, I would need to write my name on something for him.
“Yes, I am Ozar. I am with the Tusks hockey team.”
The human took a step back and swept one arm toward the door. “Can I get you a table? Are you heading for the bar? First drink is on me.”
I knew that if Jordan or her friends spotted me, it would not go well. I was following her, and any lie I told to explainmy presence in the exact same dining establishment would be regarded with suspicion if not outright disbelief.
“No…I am looking for a place to take a female for a date this week.”
Clearly, it was easier to lie to human males than their females. While I stepped away from the window, the male ran inside and returned with a paper menu. He pointed out their number to call for reservations and said they would be thrilled if I chose their restaurant for my date.
Tucking the menu under my arm, I walked around the block to wait, occasionally peering around the corner to make sure Jordan’s car was still parked at the curb.
It started to rain. The menu was quickly soaked. Feeling slightly guilty, I balled it up and stuck it in a nearby trash bin. I didn’t mind that I too was wet. There had been campaigns where we’d marched through downpours for days, bedding in soggy furs and limited to eating dried fruit and fat-coated nuts because starting a fire was impossible. This cold rain didn’t bother me, especially when I knew a warm, dry home awaited me only a few miles from here. The stove would quickly cook a hot meal, and I’d just received a delivery this afternoon of cold, creamy milk.
And I’d endure the most brutal weather for Jordan. I didn’t just want to know where she lived, I wanted to make sure she returned home safe.
Okay, I did want to know where she lived, mainly so I could leave her courting gifts. Plus, it would be easier to sleep at night knowing exactly how far from my home she was, sleeping in her own furs and hopefully dreaming of me.
I waited for nearly two hours before I saw her blue car head down the street. Breaking into a run, I followed my previous strategy of keeping track of her without obviouslystalking. Finally, she turned down a street lined on either side with tall brick homes and parked. I hid behind a large black vehicle and wiped the rain from my face as I watched her run down the street, her leather bag on top of her head.
Jordan dashed up a set of stairs, huddling close to the door as she struggled to open it. I stealthily moved closer and saw a small black-and-white bundle of fur inside before she quickly shut the door. I was sure this was her home, but just in case, I lingered outside for another hour, walking around the block and pretending to check my phone. She didn’t come out, and once the lights came on downstairs in her house, they stayed on. Taking a huge risk, I walked by her house. The curtains twitched aside, and I froze, but instead of Jordan, it was the black-and-white furry animal that stared accusingly at me from the window.
I’d cook her dinner tomorrow night. I’d brought her the requested teeth, and I’d given her a Starbucks gift card. But that might not be enough. It was important that she knew my intentions and interest, and with my lack of knowledge of human wooing rituals, I wasn’t taking any chances.
