Page 60 of Grumpy Pucking Orc
“Jordan is in love,” Abby teased in a sing-song voice.
I absolutely felt as if I were in love—more in love than I’d ever been before. And that scared me. We were moving too fast, but I couldn’t seem to help myself. I wanted to see him, spend time with him, have sex with him. I kept envisioning a life with Ozar, a family with Ozar. Was this bordering on obsession? Should I back this whole bus up and try to put some distance between us just to ensure my feelings were real before I got in too deep?
“I don’t believe in insta-love,” I told my friends. “It’s never love. It’s just lust clouding both people’s judgement. And in time, when that settles down, you realize it wasn’t love at all. You realize he’s a selfish asshole who was lying about nearly everything just so he could get in your pants. You realize that he’s commitment phobic and has an eviction, a repossessed car, and a hundred grand in defaulted credit card debt?—”
“Yikes,” Abby muttered, sliding my drink closer to me.
“He always forgets his wallet, so you end up paying for dinner, and you’re too nice to keep hounding him to Venmo you his share like he promised,” I continued. “He tells you he’s a Software Engineer for Google, then you realize he is unemployed.”
“You’ve dated Paul too?” Willa asked. “Because that sounds a lot like Paul.”
I laughed, snapping out of my bitter rant. “Ozar is none of those things, but I can’t help but be paranoid.”
“Just go with it,” Abby said. “Ride the wave of awesome sex and perfect guy and just enjoy it.”
“Yeah,” Willa agreed. “Especially the sex. Ride that…what did you say he called his peen? A spear or something?”
I grinned. “His hand-axe.”
Willa snorted. “Yeah, girl. Ride that hand-axe every chance you get. And if things go to shit, then drop him to the curb like garbage on Tuesday night.”
“But things won’t go south,” Abby told me. “Be positive. This might be theone. Don’t let all the crappy experiences color your judgement. Don’t miss out on what could be the love of your life.”
Abbywasa Pollyanna, but I couldn’t help but hope she was right, because Ozar just felt…like a puzzle piece that easily snapped into place—both in my life and my heart.
“Better take a pregnancy test every week though,” she added. “Just to be on the safe side.”
I shrugged, thinking that was a weird concern given how many discussions about various birth control methods we’d had over the years. “You know I’m on the pill. And I’m super careful about taking it on time, not missing a dose, and watching any drug interactions. No unplanned pregnancy for me. Nope. Not gonna happen.”
Abby shot me a sideways look. “Are you sure? I’ve been reading a lot of orc romances in the last few days, and they supposedly have some sort of super sperm that overcomes birth control.”
“Orcromances? That’s a thing?” I asked.
“How the hell does the sperm force her to ovulate when she’s on hormonal birth control?” Willa wondered. “That doesn’t make sense. And does orc sperm burn through condoms? Diaphragms? Okay,thatI can kinda imagine, but causing ovulation?”
I frowned, suddenly very worried. “There’s no way that stuff is caustic enough to do any of that. I mean, it didn’t burn my esophagus, so how could it burn condoms?”
“Hot damn. Jordan swallowed.” Willa saluted me with her beer.
“I still think you should take a pregnancy test.” Abby picked up a French fry and popped it into her mouth.
Taking a bite of my burger, I considered her suggestion. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that the suggestion freaked me out a bit. The whole thing sounded improbable, but in a world where demons, angels, werewolves, and now orcs openly lived, where magic was a thing—you could buy amulets and spells at a store—super-powered sperm wasn’t really out of the realm of possibility.
“Is there anything else those orc romances mentioned?”I asked Abby. “Unusual customs or physiological things I should know about? Is Ozar going to sprout a tail and a second cock? Do orcs have harems? Shed their skin? Need to take a six-year pilgrimage to a cave during their lifetime?”
Willa wrinkled her nose. “Eww. I mean eww on the shedding their skin. And the second cock. The tail I could probably live with.”
“No, but they often have soulmates,” Abby informed me. “Two orcs will meet, and it will be more than just a love-at-first-sight thing. It’s like they’re meant for each other. Fated to be together.”
Uh oh.
“I do kind of feel connected to him,” I confessed. “It’s not just great sex, and it’s not just compatibility and friendship. It’s weird.” Although maybe that was just an orc-orc thing, and not a human-orc thing.
“It’s bullshit, is what it is.” Willa rolled her eyes. “You two are such romantics. I’m gonna barf over here. Love? I’m all on board with wanting someone as a best friend and a lover. Soul-connection, fated mates? That’s in the same fantasy realm as super-sperm as far as I’m concerned.”
“You’re just jealous,” I teased. “Don’t worry. I’ll introduce you to one of Ozar’s teammates, then you too can have a green-skinned, muscle-bound soulmate with super-sperm and a magical dick.”
“Sold. Sign me up.” Willa’s laugh seemed oddly high-pitched.
