Page 64 of Grumpy Pucking Orc
Eng held up a magazine with pictures of naked humans engaging in intercourse. “There are stories in nearly every issue of this magazine in which a male delivering pizza sinks his hand-axe into females on a regular basis.”
“I am already having copious amounts of sex,” I informed him smugly. “There is no need for me to deliver a pizza for that to happen.”
Still, I filed the information away in the back of my mind, in case Jordan ever expressed the need for a pizza.
“I am considering quitting this hockey team and working at a place called Domino’s where I can deliver pizza to women needing the services of my hand-axe.” Eng frowned. “Except none of the human males in this magazine are wedding these females. Are the females just casually enjoying a roll in the male’s furs? Are the males evaluating the females as potential brides by testing out their sexual prowess? Perhaps that’s a method I should consider.”
I snorted. “That would require you to actually convince a human woman to invite you to her furs. So far, you can’t even get one to accept a beverage. Or a steak from the grocery store.”
“That waitress must have already been married, because it was a very good steak,” Eng complained. “Clearly I need to offer a pizza to the next female I consider making my bride.”
“Excellent idea. What sort of activity should I plan formy next date with Jordan? Should we workout together Saturday morning and then have breakfast? Should we run? Practice knife fighting? Skate on the ice?” I tried to steer us back to the topic of me and my future bride.
“Yeah. All of that.” Eng leafed through the magazine, clearly not listening to my suggestions or caring one bit about my dilemma.
I picked up one of his discarded magazines, the one that showed a mostly naked woman with strategically placed coffee filters improbably attached to her nipples and shaved garden. I wanted to respect Jordan’s need for friend time, but Eng’s suggestion intrigued me. Waiting outside her home for her to return with a pizza in my hands seemed like it might suggest desperation rather than devotion, and besides, the pizza would be cold by the time she arrived home.
Plus, I’d learned that Jordan was a woman who liked her routine, just as her cat did. She’d made an exception for me today, and I knew how significant that was. I’d just texted with her. She’d be at the game tomorrow. Making plans for Saturday felt right, even though I wanted to see her before then.
The game. I’d promise to get Jordan and her friends passes.
“How do we get free tickets for friends and family members?” I asked Eng.
“Hmm,” he replied before turning the magazine around to show me a picture that took up two pages. “Look at how flexible this female is. I don’t know any orc that could possibly be able to perform this act. Are all human females this bendy?”
“If you’re lucky, yes. I want special tickets for tomorrow to give to Jordan and her friends. Who do I get those from?”
Eng reversed the magazine to stare in awe at the picture. “I’ve got no idea. That guy in the booth up front, maybe? Or the human male guarding the entrance?”
I tossed the magazine I’d been holding aside and headed up front. There was a woman at the booth this evening and a surprising number of humans were lined up around the lobby.
A voice from the line shouted, “Hey, Ozar!” and the entire crowd turned to look at me. Half a second later, I was mobbed by humans wanting me to sign various pieces of paper and to ask me about our strategy for the upcoming game.
Strategy? Stay on our knife-blades and if we were lucky, get the puck into the enemy’s net? I didn’t want to relay our lack of planning, so I just grunted and scrawled my signature on the various papers and body parts they shoved my way.
It was the male security guard who finally came to my rescue, moving the humans away from me with the claim that I was needed on the ice. He cleared a path, and when we were securely behind the locked doors of the arena, I asked him about the tickets.
He grinned and slapped my shoulder. “Your girlfriend from last night? Absolutely, dude. She’s smokin’ hot, and I can tell she’s not the usual puck bunny, either.”
“She’s a dentist.” I had no idea what a puck bunny was and assumed that smokin’ hot was a compliment I might not appreciate coming from this male, but he’d helped me escape a mob of humans, so I decided I should overlook the comment.
“Damn, dude!” He slapped my shoulder again. “Congrats! How many tickets do you need? I’ll have them at the will-call box.”
“Three tickets with the best seats,” I told him.
“They’ll be in the VIP box right behind the team,” he assured me. “I hope she inspires you to a great game. I want to see lots of fights. And maybe we’ll score a goal.”
It was humiliating that he didn’t think a win was possible, or even that more than a goal was a “maybe” for us. But fights? That I could try to deliver.
I thanked the male guard and headed back to the locker room. Even if I had to drag Eng out by his hair, I was getting him on the ice. Whether I could make him actually skate or do more than lean against a wall all night was uncertain, but at least I’d get him on the ice.
Ugwyll showed up, and between the two of us we managed to not only get Eng on the ice, but half a dozen of the others on the team as well. Eng refused to participate, but with Ugwyll and I bullying the other orcs, we spent two hours working on our skating and our passing skills with the puck. We were horrible, but I was sure we’d be less horrible than we were last week.
The Tusks probably wouldn’t score a goal, but maybe we’d stay on our feet and manage to keep possession of the puck for more than a few seconds at a time. And fights? That might be the only thing we could deliver.
Fights, and several mortifying moments that the audience would laugh at.
Chapter 27
