Page 71 of Grumpy Pucking Orc
No, they didnotsound appealing. “I think I will just do the basics,” I decided.
“Will you hold the exchange of vows here or back home?” Eng asked me.
I frowned in thought. “Jordan has many friends and family here, and I know she will want them to be present. Perhaps we can have two ceremonies—one here and one when we return home.”
Bwat nodded. “And excellent idea. Expect her to want several of her closest friends to stand next to her in lavish dresses as she delivers her vows. And you will be expected to have an equal number of your friends next to you as well.”
“I’m not wearing a dress, no matter how lavish it is,” Ugwyll informed me.
“The males wear suits made of penguins,” Bwat told him. “It’s a bird, so I guess the suits will be feathered, although they all seem to be black and white.”
Humans were so strange.
“I’ll wear feathers,” Ugwyll grudgingly agreed.
“After the ceremony, all the guests join together to feast and dance and drink to the point of excessive inebriation,” Bwat continued.
“I’ll absolutely wear feathers if there’s a feast involved,” Eng said.
“You and Jordan will receive many gifts of toasters and Instant Pots, which you can promptly return for cash.”
“I think you should keep these gifts,” Eng informed me. “An excess of toasters and Instant Pots must be the wayhumans show their wealth. You could display them in your home to show visitors how important you are.”
“Traditionally, her family pays for the feast, but in the newer generations, the male and female often contribute significantly, if not entirely, for the festivities. The male’s family usually pays for a dinner following a rehearsal of the vow ceremony, and the male pays for the honeymoon.”
All the orcs, including me, were intrigued. “What is a honeymoon?” I asked. It sounded like one of those fancy cakes or cookies that Jordan was always buying for me to try.
Bwat’s smile was smug. “A trip somewhere interesting for a week or two where the married couple have copious amounts of sexual intercourse.”
Eng snorted. “Why do they have to go on a trip for that? They can have two weeks of sexual intercourse in the male’s den.”
“And why does it need to be an interesting locale?” Ugwyll asked. “If they intend on remaining in the furs for two weeks, how will they ever know if something outside of their room is interesting or not?”
Bwat shrugged. “I don’t believe human males are as virile as orc males. Perhaps they need breaks and use sightseeing and shopping as a way to keep their females from becoming bored while they recover.”
All of us immediately made comments about how we would not require such diversions.
“We will return home immediately after our wedding, so perhaps a honeymoon would not be necessary,” I mused.
“I would recommend a short honeymoon at least,” Bwat said. “You will be living with your clan, so it does not count as a new and interesting place. Plus, you will both want to have lots of time in your furs before traveling.”
True. The very thought had my hand-axe twitching.
“There are some places in Baltimore that would provide a suitable honeymoon spot,” Bwat added. “They will bring you all the food and beverages you wish, so you do not even have to leave the furs. And the view out the window from the bed is very romantic if you book the correct room.”
It was an excellent idea. First step was to get a suitable ring. The next step was to propose before I needed to leave for our away games. Then Jordan would plan our wedding while I found an appropriate local room and a dining area for our vow-rehearsal dinner.
And then we would go home to live with my clan and build our family. We might only have one or two orclets, but I’d be with Jordan for the rest of my life and whatever offspring we had would be loved beyond all measure.
It ended up being far more difficult to find a ring than I had thought.
The first store was insistent that I purchase a thin gold band with a large clear stone, stating that this was the classic engagement ring. It might have been traditional among humans, but even though the stone sparkled, the lack of color made it feel empty and devoid of emotion. The second store steered me toward a series of giant cluster rings so big that I wasn’t sure Jordan would be able to use her finger while wearing it.
“I need to propose before we leave on Thursday, but I can’t find a suitable ring,” I complained to Sizzle, who was the only one in the locker room Wednesday afternoon.
The demon grunted, which I’d come to learn meant he wasn’t listening.
“Those clear stones are soulless, no matter how much they sparkle,” I added, thinking that such a bland stone would never convey the depth of my love for Jordan.
