Page 96 of Secrets of the Marriage Bed
Her heart nearly broke in two. ‘Friends.’
‘You did offer friendship a few weeks ago.’
The hope she had been clinging to so tightly began to wither. She shook her head. ‘That isn’t—’
‘Very well. If it isn’t possible, I quite understand.’ His voice was soft and low and so full of pain, she wanted to weep.
‘Alistair, let me finish.’
‘Of course,’ he said. ‘It is your right.’ He visibly braced himself.
Startled, she stared at him. What on earth...? ‘Oh, Alistair, you mistake me.’ She dropped her gaze to her hands in her lap, worried about how he would react to her baring her soul. ‘When I said I cared for you, I should really have said I love you. I was halfway to the Bull and Bear when it occurred to me I had been lying to myself for weeks. I love you for your generosity. I love you for your honour and the way you protect your people. And the way you love your horse. I adored the way you counted me as one of yours from the moment we met. You are a good man. A kind one, despite all anyone says. Honestly, I think I fell in love with you at Mrs B.’s before I even knew any of those things. My heart knew. I love you with all my heart.’ She swivelled to look into his dear face, to try to make him understand. ‘Alistair, because of that I cannot allow my presence in your life to cause you harm. I promise, once I go, I will never trouble you again.’ Her voice caught.
He sighed, a long soft expulsion of breath as if he had been holding it in for a very long time.
She glanced up at his face, but could not read his expression—the cool reserve had returned. A heavy lump settled on her chest. ‘If you still want my friendship, then I will give it, gladly.’
‘I cannot remember the last time I had a friend,’ he murmured. ‘Someone in whom I could confide all my secret hopes and not fear betrayal. I’ve been betrayed so many times, until I met you, I thought I could never trust again.’
He trusted her. Her heart lightened. ‘I am sorry for what those women did to you: your stepmother, Elise, that woman in Italy. You did not deserve such treatment.’
‘I thought I deserved nothing until you came along. But now you say you love me, yet you want to leave.’
‘Hush. I don’t want to leave. It is for the best. You need children. An heir.’
‘I need you.’ He pressed his lips to the top of her shoulder. The little hairs on her nape seemed to rise in welcome to his touch. ‘The kindest, sweetest, dearest—’
‘You are making me sound like a saint when you know perfectly well I am not.’ Her voice sounded too full of emotion to go on, yet she finished what she had to say. ‘You know what I did. My presence can only bring harm to your name.’
‘Julia, darling,’ he whispered softly in her ear. ‘I love you so much, names mean nothing. When I thought you had left me for good, I was devastated, yet I did not want to keep you against your will. Your happiness is everything to me.’
He picked up her hand and pressed his mouth to her palm. Heat roared through her veins. She gasped.
‘I love you, Julia. I want us to make memories together. Memories to drown out the past. I want the friendship you promised. And companionship. But most of all, I need your love.’
‘You have it, my dearest sweetest man,’ she whispered. Tears ran down her cheeks.
‘You are crying.’
She choked down a sob. ‘Happiness.’
‘My life. My soulmate. Only with you do I feel like a whole man, instead of an empty shell. Love me. Please, darling.’
He curled a hand around her nape and brought her lips down to his.
‘Alistair, your wound,’ she squeaked.
He pulled off the bandage. ‘My wound is fine, it is my heart that hurts with longing.’ He kissed her deeply, until they both had no breath left.
She lay with her head on his shoulder and stroked his cheek. ‘You really need to be careful of that head wound.’
He pressed a kiss to the tip of her nose. ‘I have a gift for you. I wasn’t sure I would ever have a chance to give it to you. Or if you’d accept it.’
‘I told you, I do not need things to make me happy.’
‘Please. I would like you to have this one.’
When he asked so nicely, how could she refuse? ‘I don’t want you getting up. Tell me where it is and I will get it.’
